Post

He Said He Loved Me... So Why Did He Go?

I first saw him when I was 13 years old.  He walked into the Mosque and it was as if a glow was around him.  I had a strange feeling in my heart that he was the one.. I had no idea what his name was or how old he was, all I knew was that this was the man I was suppose to marry.  A few months later i went with my cousins to a hockey game and he was playing.  I asked my cousins if they knew him and they said yes his name is A--- and that he was 19 years old.  6 years older than me! After the game, I bundled up all my courage and went to him and said "Good game" and he looked at me and smiled and said "Thanks!"... I was smitten!!!

Years went by and I saw him on and off at mosque but never spoke to him again.. although I always knew he was the one... but I knew I was too young for him and that he didnt know I existed.. he even had a girlfriend... and then one day, my heart broke.. he was getting married!!! I was around 19 at the time and I remember seeing the wedding invitation that my grandma was given and I said to her "but he is suppose to marry me!"... she looked at me like I was crazy and said "He doesnt even know you exist!!"... my heart was broken but I said to myself.. "One day"..

In the meantime, I dated other guys, fell in and out of relationships and had my heart broken slightly once or twice.. but no one compared to A---.  In 2010 I was 23 and I got up enough courage to message A--- on facebook.  He was a personal trainer and I was an aerobics instructor so I messaged him about advice, and I noticed there were no pictures of him and his wife anymore... I didnt think anything of it because I was in a relationship but HE WROTE BACK! I was so excited and then in January (end) I met him at the mosque and actually sat down and talked to him face to face! We became friends after that and I found out him and his ex wife were going through a divorce, at the same time I found out my bf of the time cheated on me so we broke up... It was as if fate had made my dreams come true.  A--- and I went from being friends to boyfriend and girlfriend and I thought that this was meant to be!

We had our minor up's and downs, he was 31 and I was 24.. but I knew we could work through anything... or at least I thought I knew.. For 10 months we were happy most of the time, however we had our occasional fights.  He told me (In december) that he had found my engagement ring and it was perfect for me, and at that moment I knew that we would be together forever.. I thought this is a TRUE FAIRYTALE... little did I knwo that my Fairytale would turn into a horror movie...

In January we had a rough time.  I was still on and off mending my self-esteem and my insecurities of being cheated on previously and A--- and I fought quite a bit in Jan, however I knew we could fix it... and I was working on fixing it.. until Jan 26th when he shattered my world.... I will never forget his words:

" Maybe we arent meant to be together.. I mean maybe love just isnt enough... "  I was devestated, shocked, distraught... I felt like the life was sucked out of me... I was falling, drowining, dying...

I tried to convince him for 3 weeks to change his mind.. I wrote him 2 letters, I responded to all of his texts and phone calls... I begged and pleaded, I showed him how I was working on my insecurities and my issues... I tried to convince him to give me another chance... and in the end all he said to me was "I love you but right now I am not in love with you"... I have no idea what that means... but it finally hit me that I have lost the love of my life... and there is nothing I can do about it but to let go and let God handle it...

Everyday is a battle, a struggle, a fight.. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed, but I dont, I force myself to get out of bed everyday... I force myself to try and smile, to comb my hair and shower and get ready... i force myself to try and let him go and move on.. but my every thought is him,... my every prayer is that he will come back.. my every dream is him.... I know that everything happens for a reason and I know I have to have faith that God knows what he is doing...

They say that if you love something you set it free and if it comes back to you then it is yours.. but if it doesnt come back to you it never was yours... He set me free when he broke up with me and I came back.. maybe now its my turn to set him free and see if he comes back...... 
TaraRani TaraRani 22-25, F 14 Responses Feb 24, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

Really sad....

I HAD BESTFRIEND OF 12 YEARS YRS WHO IV'E KNOWN SINCE AGE 15 WHO HAD BEEN IN LOVE WITH ME SINCE. WE LOST TOUCH FOR WHILE AND RECONNECTED TWO YRS AGO.I STILL SAW HIM S A BF SOMETHING LIKE MY PERSONAL DIARY ND VICE VERSA FOR WE KEPT NOTHING FROM EACH OTHER AND THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE FOR ME ND THE SOUND OF MY VOICE FOR HIM MADE EVEN OUR MOST GLOOMIEST OF DAYS JUST A BIT BRIGHTER. WE'D STAY UP TO THE WEE HRS OF THE MORNING TALKING ND.......LONG STORY SHORT HE HS TOLD ME I WAS THE ONE AND THAT HIS LOVE FOR ME WOULD NEVER CHANGE ND THE HE WOULD NEVER GIVE UP ON ME. I CARED FOR HIM MORE THEN I LED HIM TO KNOW BUT DO TO PERSONAL ISSUES IN MY LIFE I WAS SCARED AND I GUESS FEARD BEING LOVED SO I KEPT HIM AT A DISTANCE BUT FIGURED HE' ALWAYS BE THERE 4 ME . ANYWAY FEB 2012 he moved away to better his situation which i fully supported because i did have alot of love for him. I had a feeling that things wer changing between us but hoped it would be for the better since i have now or so i thought got myself

I completely understand how you feel and the intense pain you went through im going through that right now the man i love and planned a future together with we had even discussed children and who claimed that i was his true love just woke up recently and said that his no longer interested (we had been going throufh a rough patch but i honestly believed we could have dealt with it) and that he is interested in another girl... We broke up in april and i found out i was pregnant i told him and he replied i want nothing to do with you or your bastard child soon after i miss carriaged and i rang him to tell him and his reply was thank god honestly im repeating what my closet friend who has been supporting me through all of this has said it was not stupid of you to love him it was stupid of him to not appreciate your love. Repeating that everytime i think about him or miss him or just feel my heart beating for him is helping and i am deep believer in time will heal every wound... also to just look at it positively we have to go through piles of **** to find that rare diamond that fits perfectly. i hope your well now and that your in a much a happier place x

i think you're a strong, brave young woman and i believe you'll be just fine in the long run :)

Well fans... I have decided its time to let go.. i love him but holding on to him was hurting too much and I was sinking lower and lower into depression.. so now its time.. ATTRAVERSIMO!<br />
<br />
Basically what that means is "lets cross over".. the way I see it.. in EVERY situation there are 2 sides... 1 side is the dark, gloomy, sad, side littered with heartbreak, negativity and hopelessness... then there is the other side which is light, fun, bright, beautiful, positive and filled with laughter, and an exciting journey.... Everytime I am now faced with a situation where I find I am in the sad side, I say to myself "ATTRAVERSIMO" and I picture in my mind crossing over to the bright side... and I instantly feel better...<br />
<br />
I will ALWAYS love A--- but.... maybe he is not meant for me... the saying goes: WHEN PEOPLE WALK AWAY FROM YOU, LET THEM GO.. YOUR DESTINY IS NEVER TIED TO ANYONE WHO LEAVES YOU.. IT DOESNT MEAN THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE, IT JUST MEANS THAT THEIR PART IN YOUR STORY IS OVER..... <br />
<br />
<br />
Thank you friends for being there for me... for sympathizing with me and helping me to understand.. I hope my story can help others to realize that even when we feel like we cannot overcome a heartbreak.. somehow God gives us the strength to do it... we just have to close our eyes and listen..... <br />
<br />
<br />
ATTRAVERSIMO friends....

i don't know what his deal is but i know the more i hear about his behavior the more it ****** me off! i hate it when people claim to care about you so much then erase you from their lives as if what you had never existed. if i never experience that again, it will be too soon!

Hey guys, here is an update.....<br />
<br />
I deleted A--- off of facebook about 2 weeks ago in a moment of childish-ness but then re-added him and I even told him I deleted him and it was childish and impulsive but that I re-added him and he can do wiht that what he wants.. and he hasnt re-added me to fb even though I KNOW he has been on... he also deleted all the picture comments we had when we were together... we didnt put any pix of US together up on FB but we would comment on each other's pix and he deleted all my comments yesterday...... <br />
<br />
Now waht?

Thank u Whitedots... I hope he comes begging too haha but unfortunately, I am scared to believe in "happily ever after"....... <br />
<br />
I wish he would come to his senses... I wish for a miracle..

i'm sure you will cry, have your bad days and miss him but i do believe the old cliche about time being a great healer. i'm so sorry that this happened to you and i wish you all the best :)

Thanks Jerrica.. that means so much to me...trust me I wouldnt want this pain for my worst enemy... I still cry quite a bit.. not ALL THE TIME.. but quite a bit.. I miss him...

i ached as i read this. i'm so sorry, the thought of this happening to me is enough to scare me from ever wanting to get involved with anyone again. that kind of pain i can do without! it's very confusing, to say the least, that someone says they love you, you were made for them, etc and then they just lose that feeling for you. it's a mystery to me.

know it is strange and most women and men reading this would think I am crazy for wanting him back after what he did to me.. I mean Im not a bad person to be with, I do modelling and teach dance and work as a social worker.. I am smart and funny and try to be easy going... if I wanted to date someone else I could and I am sure they would treat me better I mean ..... im an ordinary girl but I have lots to offer.... <br />
<br />
But its him... you know.. I mean it's always been him since i was 13...

But how does that happen!? How do you love someone.. promise them the world, say that you have never loved like this before... and then all of a sudden not be in love with them?? I mean what does that even mean? How can he say things like "i cant imagine life without you", "I feel God made you for me"... even go as far as calling me wifey, getting my engagement ring and then all of a sudden not being IN LOVE with me?! It doesnt make sense...

Well the whole story about the insecurities is that I was cheated on RIGHT BEFORE A--- and I went out... I dated someone and while I was with him I was not jealous, insecure or anything... and when he cheated on me I internalized it and sid "oh **** it was my fault".... I started dating A--- a few weeks after and I hadnt healed yet so A--- got 3/4 of the real me and a part of me that was insecure, scared and worried of getting cheated on again. A--- never gave me a reason not to trust him but I just couldnt help it.. I tried so hard to not be insecure but I couldnt get being cheated on out of my mind... <br />
<br />
Anyway, I was working on my insecurities and A--- knew that... he said he would be patient and understood. At the beginning of our relationship I wasnt insecure because we spent lots of time together but as we both got busy, i got scared because we werent around each other much. I knew it was wrong and I knew it wasnt my personality but it was like I couldnt help it and I was trying to change back into the real me who was secure but it was taking some time... and I guess A--- couldnt wait... he said he would be patient but... I guess he was lying :-( <br />
<br />
I loved him so so so much that it hurts that he wont come back.. ;'(