Guy And Girl Are Very Close Friends...but Ends In Absolute Nightmare Scenario. Feedback Needed And Appreciated

My friend Jill and I had been friends since high school,and were very close friends all through university(talking almost everyday).Although for many years I wasn't at all attracted to her,I found myself suddenly head over heels in love with her about 3 years into university.

Friends of ours had often said to me that they couldn't believe how much sexual tension there was between us, and would comment on how flirty she was with me. I wasnt sure whether she was trying to tell me something, and for many years i wasnt even interested in her. It was also very confusing- Jill was very hot and cold to me. As weird as it seems, even once I loved her,I believed our friendship meant so much to me,I didn't want to jeaprodize the friendship by pushing things forward romantically. I guess that just goes to show how much I valued her as a friend and person.

At a certain point,I made the decision to try to lose my feelings for her.For several months,I made a conscious effort to not really hang out with her,without making it obvious.Over the course of about 8 months, I dated two of the cutest/most desirable girls my age,and yet all I did was compare these girls to Jill, and could not really get any feelings for them.During these eight months,I had moved back to a town about an hour from my old university where Jill was finishing up.During this time, we still talked regularly, but I had not made it back to the university to visit her.

Anyhow I finally made it back to the university one weekend,and decided to stay at her house,thinking I had no feelings for her and was just hanging out with a close friend. We went out that night to a club.At the pre-drink, we visited her neighbour's house, where 2 of the guys had the night before ********** a disgusting fat *****, stealing some of her clothes,birth control etc and pinning it up on their wall.Along with this, I found these guys' personalities to that of total losers, but they didn't come with us to the club so I wasn't bothered.

At the club that night,Jill and I were with many of our mutual friends. Despite this, she was exceptionally flirty with me,the most flirty she'd ever been. Throughout the night, she was consistently grabbing my hand, walking hand in hand with me around the club (despite me not leading this on), sitting on my lap, hanging out almost exclusively with me, despite many mutual friends present, and overall being really flirty. We also danced much of the night, but with her drunk, and me staying at her house, it felt it was too easy/cheap and I decided not to go for anything.

Near the end of the night, a mutual friend told me that Jill had known for 2 weeks that I was in love with her, as it had finally been mentioned to her, and they had talked about it. With this now in her mind, I thought her behaviour at the club meant she really did like me, and especially with the alcohol,all of my feelings for her came back.However, about an hour after we got home, Jill phoned up her neighbour (the one who had pinned up the clothes) setting up a hookup right in front of me! This neighbour had previously told her she was 'too big a **** to be with' (she had told me earlier), and she had talked about the guy as if he was a disgusting joke earlier in the night, so I was extremely surprised, among other things. Normally he would be the sort of guy I'd confront and rip into, especially considering how badly he treats women and my good friend, but I was too shocked to do anything, and while thinking he wasnt a threat, it happened so fast there was nothing I could do.

Without anywhere to go, and completely shocked, I was forced to listen to an entire night of Jill having sex with this disgusting joke/loser in the room next to me. I left at 6am, mentally completely scarred,devastated, and subsequently sent her a letter asking for an explanation, explaining i might never be able to be friends with her again. By this time I also knew they'd never hooked up before, or were seeing each other, as one of her closest friends had told me.

Jill sent me a relatively effortless response that basically brushed off the situation. To me the letter seemed vindictive and harsh, adding insult to injury. She also completely missed the point. After what she'd done, I just wanted to know how after recently finding out a very close friend of many years loved you, you could then (the first time seeing them after hearing this) go out of your way to lead them on further, before turning around and having sex with a disgusting guy in the next room from where they are meant to sleep? What a horrible thing to do to a great friend, I thought.

Her letter in response didnt really address this, and the focus of her letter was about how she'd never had feelings for me, and never would- as if this was some sort of excuse. At this point, whether she had feelings for me or not had no significance. If anything, her having no feelings for me made it much worse, as she then had no excuse to lead me on as she did before putting me through what I described. It seemed like she was only trying to damage me further.

Feeling worse than I'd ever felt, I subsequently told her I was no longer interested in her friendship, romance or otherwise, and all trust in the relationship had been too badly broken. Mentally crushed worse then I could have ever imagined, I cut off all communication with her, not sure how I would feel in the future.

During the next several months, I saw her randomly in the street several times, and each time she would come up to the person I was with (whom she barely knew), and speak to them while entirely ignoring me. It seemed like she was rubbing everything in my face. I also heard from several mutual friends that she sent parts of my initial emails to them, which were obviously meant to be private as my head was very messed up at the time.

6 months on, and with many of our mutual friends being stuck in the middle of the situation, I decided I should reconnect with her, and try to solve the problem. In her response, she wrote a bunch of meaningless sentences before telling me she'd redo the night if she could go back in time.

This was really the last straw for me and I have not talked to her since (all communication is cut off- facebook etc as well)...and most likely I will never contact her again.

To a large extent, this entire process felt like she had died, and that feeling would last for a very long while, and to some extent still does. Even seeing a photo of her made me feel like I wanted to vomit.

Its now been several years since these events. I'm not at all concerned about whether she liked me, and I 'moved on' from that side of things extremely quickly, and quickly became very settled in the girls department with girls far better than her. To be honest I couldn't care less about whether she liked me or not...i basically lost all interest in her romantically by the end of that night. It still bothers me to a large extent tho that such a great friend for many many years could recently hear I love them, then do that to me though.

For several years I've wondered what could possibly have gone through her head, what excuses there could be for her actions, or what might explain how she acted, both that night and in the months after. She seemed like such a perfect girl when I knew her, and we got on so well, never really having any problems. Even before I saw her as a romantic possibility, I considered her one of my favorite this really destroyed me mentally. Was she just a cold hearted *****, or are there other things I should consider? I still have many mutual friends with her that wish this situation was healed.

Any insight from people who might be able to explain this, or comment further would be much appreciated.
brore brore
3 Responses Aug 23, 2011

It was very disrespectful what she did, even if you didnt love her but as a friend it was quite a cheap thing to do.<br />
But I agree with celineberry may be she did feel rejected and was trying to make you jealous and hurt by her actions.

Maybe she's a narcissist personality, or narcissist personality disorder. This kind of person lacks empathy, and feels as if they can do to people as they please with no consequences. They also enjoy putting others down to boost themselves up, or will keep people around who fancy them just to reinforce their belief that they are above others. Deep down they are broken insecure people. In any case, they are very damaging to those around them.<br />
If it rings a bell with you, you can finds books on the topic.

I really find it too bad that this happened to you because you really seem like a good person. Of what you said, it also seems like you guys were best friends in high school a part of university. I can also undersatand how you feel because I myself consider my friends and even more the ones closest to me one of the most important things in my life. Then again I do not know Jill, but she have insuses with commitment of some sort and find it hard to accept that her formely best friend had these strong feelings for her for a while now. She may have just really badly reacted to this. I know that it may seem strange that someone would react badly to someone being in love with them, but it can sometimes be overmhelming. Perhaps she did have some kind of feeling towards you at some point before it all exploded if you see what I mean and she reacted quite badly are/or jelous because of the point at witch your situation was. I'm not quite sure how any of this applies for you, but I hope I could help in any way! I also think you made the right choice cutting her out after how badly she treated you and you did well moving on!

Well maybe she felt like you had rejected her so she did not want to accept the fact she had been rejected and sort of tried to deny the fact she would of ever had feelings for you, I don't know.