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Heartbroken And No Hope

Today is not a good day. 

My boyfriend (just 2 months shy) of 2 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago.  The catalyst was my asking him to seriously consider us moving in together.  What followed six days later broke my heart.

He came to my apartment and told me he couldn't move in with me.  The reasons are - he doesn't love me, he doesn't feel "it" for me and he thinks he is incapable of loving.  Ok. So I asked him why did he wait so long to tell me?  Why not tell me last year?  His response was that he was really trying hard to make it work.  I told him that this did not make me feel better at all.  I feel like he was never invested in the relationship.  I'm constantly questioning what I felt during our relationship.  I feel like I was delusional.  I feel like I've wasted 2 years with a man who never had any intention of investing anything in the relationship.  I gave him 2 opportunities this year to get out and he didn't take them (the last one being in July).

Yesterday I found out he is dating again.  I feel like this is just unfair. He is not mourning anything, just moving on to the next woman and I'm left feeling heartbroken.  I loved him, cared for him, believed in him, in us.  Then I got kicked in the teeth.

I need to feel what I feel, I know this, but it's too hard today.  I'm tired of everyone telling me to have faith, be strong, love yourself.  Today I don't have those things.  Not because of him, but because of what the situation means for me.  I feel like I'm giving up on ever falling in love again.  Giving up on ever having a family of my own.  I feel like no man will ever want to be with me because (and I am so ashamed to admit this) I'm too old now; not a spring chicken.

I know I deserve better, but today, I have no hope. None at all...
Pebbulz Pebbulz 36-40 27 Responses Nov 3, 2011

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IN TRUE LOVE, AGE IS JUST A NUMBER. :-)

Hard to understand that it can be true, but I believe that it is... all things happen for a reason. With 40 yrs up around the bend, ask yourself if you really think you would have been better off spending the rest of your life with someone unable to reciprocate a strong emotional tie. I know something about that, having endured an abandoned marriage with all the associated trappings and such, but with a shared domicile with her for decades (plural) and you don't want to find yourself in that situation either. My kids and my own conscience at stake, you understand...

Dear Heartbroken,<br />
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You still have lots of time to find the right person, whoever you choose that to be.<br />
At least you did'nt make the mistake of getting married to someone that really does'nt love you.<br />
The idea that you were going to live together was a huge mistake, by giving him everything he wanted without the real commitment marriage.<br />
If you want things to work out right in your life, you must do the right things first.<br />
Don't go out to a bar to find MR right.<br />
Look at yourself as you ought, as a quality person with good character looking for another quality person with good character.<br />
Ask GOD to help you find that right person, and wait for HIM, be expecting HIM to respond to you.<br />
And if by some chance you really love this guy you're losing, than ask GOD to make something significant happen in his life so that he will change and truly appreciate you for who you are.

......the only real relationship anyone can have is with themselves........ long term he did you a favour...... in that it would have been much much worse if you found out in 10years time when he figured out he couldn't love. <br />
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I can feel your pain as can most others as **** happens....... but rather than panicking and jumping into another "relationship" take the time to find out about yourself....... love will creep up on you without you realising ..... unfortunately you cannot "chase" love. Love should be unconditional so do not feel foolish for loving him unconditionally...... this is the purest love :-) Unfortunately everyone has there own definition of what love is so in love as with other things sometimes actions speak louder than words.

I worked in the Domestic Crimes Division of the Public Defender's Office. Most of the Dometic Crimes cases involved people who were living together without being married. There are cases there of horrendous violence, broken promises, broken hearts, lives ruined, injuries that require hospitalization, arrests, criminal trials, jail sentences, impoverishment, etc. Consider yourself fortunate that he broke up with you. The consequences could have been far worse than a broken heart alone which is very painful.

This may seem off topic, but if we consider the greater value why we all live and others die, we are here to experience. Love is a powerful thing that does wonders in both directions but through it all; it is greater to love than be loved.<br />
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Sure it's hard investing in something without return, but that’s exactly what defines who we as individuals really are. I myself have a lovely wife who works really hard but loves people...all people in general and she brightens everyone’s day when she is around.<br />
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I often wonder what I did in life to have such a gift and ultimately I’ve done nothing but give of myself and suffer a whole lot in silence, so maybe what goes around had comes around and I always hope to measure up to what I know...is a great thing.<br />
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To hell with faith, hope is always investing in what you know already and not fishing for a brighter horizon of someone else’s ill-lusion.

Never life bad experiences get the better of you. There is always a bigger picture to consider to life's equation and what it's all about.<br />
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An Eye for an Eye and a Tooth for a Tooth<br />
Posted on November 10, 2011 by strictlyfineart<br />
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I feel in the interests of understanding (peace); the eye and tooth quotation is contrary to Gandhi’s definition of what it means, life has shown me the eye is to see the balance and the tooth is to weigh its value through the spectrum of whole consideration; meaning, as a global community every life relevant decision effects the omni-circle of existence to one or another and even the unknown; most ignorance of the unknown is pure selective ambition for “a” betterment of a few’ and at best is frivolous wan tings and at the lower end of the spectrum is down right evil ambition advocating monetary gains at all costs.<br />
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As the saying goes; for the greater good of all, must consider the global community as a whole where nature and the earths resources are in question. (Cancers are a product of greed and manipulation by this world’s populous of bias self-servers.)<br />
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In other words to see the balance and bite when bitten is far greater to understanding the harmony of fairness to what (was, is or will be) vs. simply that of right or wrong terminology; because what is good vs. bad is more subject to bias interpretations to those most locally effected when life encompasses a global community and the earth is its right of dominion.<br />
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With this understanding (peace); the balance is all about fairness and not the -right of some- to do the wrong to others, such is the sum of bias interpretations manipulating truths to better serve ones self while forsaking others.<br />
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(The King James Bible States that Jesus spoke and asked: Why has thou forsaken me?) The world fashioned around monetary values vs. the earth and its balance of dominion. Ironic becomes the perspective when religions forsake what is fair and view who is right and who is wrong when right and wrong have nothing to do with the balance of life.<br />
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Life is a spectrum of quantified relevancies to both good and bad that weighs the balance of harmony to each between both carnality and spirituality and the result becomes a quadrilateral sphere of whole understanding. The balance is not to define which is greater for some but to define the fair value between the both. So live and let live must also consider what is bound and what is confined; bound meaning no movement and confined meaning movement within any given realm but restricted to one or another.<br />
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It is not possible to experience the concept of whole understanding while restricted to one realm or another which is why both realms of carnality and spirit though very separate entities must strike a balance of understanding one to the other; how to accomplish this is through the acceptance of knowing what is good and what is bad must exist in both where the value of all is the sum of true liberty. In essence to bind and restrict exists in both realms where good and bad go hand in hand and the only evil is not the wan tings of ones knowledge but to the knowledge of what one knows but freely choose to do otherwise.<br />
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True knowledge leads one to knowing the truth behind what is good and what is evil because knowing good is of the same coin to what is bad, and knowing evil is “not” the failed acknowledgement that good and bad go hand in hand to whole understanding but rather evil is a knowledge “in-spite” of itself that chooses to do otherwise.<br />
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I see the truest liberty of life is the precedence of fairness over all issues and right and wrong are not the pendulums over balance and equality. Right and wrong are merely considerative values and not the defining line the tips the scale toward one or the other.<br />
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So, the good is to see the balance and the bad is to bite when bitten and without whole understanding it is not possible to be evil without whole knowledge.

I don't see wasted time, I see another experience. True...faith is for those still looking for something they don't know, I say hope is the best through all situations not faith. Easy to say have a little faith but that lets you down but always have hope.<br />
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Broken heart is a real bummer but time heals all things.<br />
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I know a broken heart I had over my kitty, he wasn't even 1 year old yet and got run over by a car and for 4 days I was useless. Love is a great experience and I always say, my kitty was worth every tear I shed for the great love and the moments we shared. If love isn't worth the heartache, then it isn't worth nothing.<br />
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Be strong and have hope, to hell with faith, some words are misstranslated as is 2/3rds of the entire English language.

Definately you are not too old! After being blindsided by my husband of 20 years, out of the blue (and at my bank, while waiting in line) I met Mike. No one could have told me I would be happy again. I wouldn't have believed it. We had a darling daughter (I had three grown children from the first marriage) and ended up really happy. Who knows? Karma? Happiness is out there, just waiting for the right moment, waiting for you. Good Luck.

My lessons: From others, some years ago i met this woman in her 50, she told me she was dating a drunken man then, before she lived in with a boyfriend for many many years while raising her two daughters, they were not his children. Then one day one daughter got married, then another got married, the moment the 2nd daughter wedded, something in her stirred up so violently about life and relationship, she drove off in a car, got her first tattoo, came back and decided to leave him. She then got hooked up with this drunkage. Her life came to a stage of real confusion and no way forward. From her i saw that you are never too old to want love, need love and a good relationship. She wasted so many years but she saw no other way besides giving up on the relationship just to find herself again, somehow, someway, even if it meant to date a real junky while doing so.<br />
From myself: I had a similar relationship with a man who i suspect that he is incapable of love just like your man, his parents left him to the streets since he was a kid, so i guess his heart is stricken and unresponsive to love, any way, he made all the vows to me to be with me, then his actions showed nothing but temper, day dream, irresponsibility in our every day life, flirting with other girls, demanding and controlling. When i bring up the issue, he never make time to discuss and resolve, instead he gets upset and said he was leaving. He made me feel as though i was at fault for stirring up problems, i got upset, confused, and incomplete. That went on for years. IN later years, i wish how i could took those chances and let him leave. Why did i keep him for years waiting for things to change, for chances to work things out, waiting for the right time to talk, but none ever happen. My lesson is that in stagnant relationships like mine and yours, you will only regret further if you don't let go. It hurts less later on by the fact that he said he did not love you. Right now it seems like you're very hurt. But pain from loving an unloving man will fade faster than the pain caused by separation of two people who really truly love & committed to one another. If you ask some older persons on EP, you'll know that what i say here are all the truths.

The man is a selfish cad. As much as it hurts now, imagine if you had lived with him for a while and then had this happen. I know the feeling of thinking you are too old. I'm in the same boat. Men our age don't think much of women our age. I wish I knew the answer to the loneliness thing. I think the thing to do is say "Ok, I really may be alone for the rest of my life. What can I do to make up for that?"

Well, firstly he is not a kind or a smart person because if someone knows things don't feel right, it wont take 2 years for them to keep trying to make it right. They will just know when to decide to get out, and it is usually pretty quickly. I believe in karma and I believe that he will get burnt one day for treating people that way.<br />
It is okay if you don't have the energy to do anything. You just float around until you feel like moving. The natural reaction that you have is just what you have to do. One day you will start to feel like doing more things, and a person who can appreciate you can come from anywhere.

somtimes somethings just dont make sense in this life.this sounds and feels like one of them, shrug it off in style and move on. life has a strange way of balancing rhingd out. trust me-many more opportunities lie out there. yours will come your way

somtimes somethings just dont make sense in this life.this sounds and feels like one of them, shrug it off in style and move on. life has a strange way of balancing rhingd out. trust me-many more opportunities lie out there. yours will come your way

I'm feeling the same sting. I've been with someone on and off for several months; and just like THAT, I get the "let's just be friends" routine. He is the one who approached ME, and he's the one who kept it going. Then, he decided to stop. It really confused me. I had hopes for his potential, but I guess it's not meant to be.<br />
<br />
But I don't think he's seeing someone else; I just think there's too much going on in his life right now. Also, I know his ex, the mother of his kids, cheated on him; I guess he still feels the sting. Plus, he's one of those men who's REALLY hard on himself, so many la<x>yers and la<x>yers of him; hard to penetrate. I, on the other hand, am a simple person--what you see is what you get. <br />
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I just have to keep looking I guess. Hopefully, I won't have to look to hard or to long. Good luck to you.

Oh sweetie, don't do this to yourself. He sounds like a total shithead fuckwad who is NOT worth what you're going through right now. I went through the exact same thing with my ex of 3 years, and now he's married to the woman he was cheating on me with! Its painful, and time does help, but not completely. But you have to make up your mind to heal, and move on. No one says you have to forgive or get "closure" for his sake, but for yours. And whats this nonsense about being "no sping chicken?"You are NEVER too old to be adored. I was shattered when this happened to me, but I've moved on and have started dating again. I'm in a quasi-intense relationship now with a man 6 years younger!(I'm mid-30s). What I am saying is, take it easy on yourself, okay? FInd something you enjoy doing, go visit friends, get involved with a cause, take up a sport, anything to get you out of thinking too much. Please feel free to sen dme a message anytime, okay? My prayers are with you.

This guy sounds like a complete *******! He didnt deserve you anyway, so i say.... You should be thankful it didnt go on for longer. I think your self esteem has had a hammering. But trust me you will get through it, it just doesnt feel like you will right now! Now is the time to let the dust settle and not look for romance. Take time to meet people who have the same interests and love will arrive all by itself! ;) Take care.

Life by no means is fair, It takes two people to start a relationship but only one person to end it, I was with a woman for 7 years, I gave up everything for her, family, jobs, moved to 3 different states to support her career. I as well got blindsided by the "Its not you, it's me) which is code for hey I am cheating on you. Just another in the long line of McCheaterson. <br />
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It is going to hurt for awhile, utterly confuse you, make you look so deeply at yourself, and even pick yourself apart. She took 2 days to get past it. 2 days?? thats shallow and someone who will never really find a meaningful relationship. Just dont rush into anything, take your time, I am 38 and well maybe that was the last relationship for me, who knows. What I do know is that I need to make sure that I am no longer affected on such a deep level by someone who probably did not deserve me in the first place,<br />
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Keep your head up, chin set, and remember, True love, and I mean true love, the kind that knocks you on your butt, that leaves you breathless any time you think about the one you love, the kind that no matter what the world does to you, just thinking of them quiets the storm in your soul and enrages the storm in your heart, is out there, Its waiting, seeking, calling, wanting to find you as much as you want to find it, and every single relationship that does not work out brings you that much closer to the never feeling the pains of breakups again, but instead; the eternal sunshine of true love with someone who truly knows how to love you back.

This is going to sound odd, but as soon as you get over the pain and into the anger, your self-preservation genes are going to kick in and you'll get a grip on him, you, your relationship dynamics and maybe how to move on. I know. My husband of 8 years came home from a trip and said he didn't want to be married anymore - there ws no one else, he just didn't want to be married. Completely blindsided me. I worked a week and took a week off to visit my mother 700 miles away to get some thinking distance. While there, we were talking and I said that it just didn't make sense because usually men only leave if they have someone else (too much experience in this department!!). Then it hit me! He did and I knew who it was - a woman that worked for him (we all worked at the same company - how's that for a Peyton Place sort of thing?!). I called him to confirm - when his reaction was "that doesn't have anything to do with it" I knew I was right! When I got back, I went ahead and rented a house (didn't want our house since she'd been there) but didn't tell him (quicker moving out leverage!). One night when I was at the rented house painting and crying - mainly crying, I came to the realization that I was the one sitting in an empty house snot-nosed, red swollen eyes and splotchy face sobbing and he had already moved on and was planning his new life and didn't give a darn about what I felt or thought. Then I got angry, thank goodness. Since it was a marriage, I knew that I had to change to be sure I didn't get taken to the cleaners on the settlement (I had worked a full time job and 2 part time jobs to help put him through college - same old cliche!). I pulled myself back up, told my lawyer what I wanted and expected and would or would not settle for (it actually worked in my favor that he had a girlfriend because she was pressuring him to get single!), he finally signed the papers and we got divorced. It was hard, sometimes it still is when I find a picture of those days (I miss my in-laws like crazy to this day!) and wonder where it went wrong. But time goes on no matter what - it'll take a while but anger is your friend in this case because it leads to better days!

I definitely understand feeling heart broken but one thing I do know but perhaps its because I am feeling pretty bitter and hopeless myself but people when it comes to sexual/romanctic situations they get about as bored with it as kid does with a new toy.<br />
It sucks when you're pretty much that toy that has served its usefulness.<br />
I have never had much luck with lromanctic or sexual love myself no matter how long its been I gave up in my late 20's. <br />
I rarely have sexual attractiions but I get lonely,etc like anyone else and few times in last several decade it seems like the whole whatever that leads to coupling and mating rituals always ends up with me feeling hurt, heart broken and hopeless. <br />
I don't know I wish I had the answers for why this is and how to improve it being that I am almost 50 never really had very good experiences with this subject.<br />
Maybe I am suppose to focus on something else then a sexual or romantic relationship with someone else.<br />
I don't know what will come of your love life but I hope it turns out better than myself.<br />
One thing I do know when it comes to sexual relationships most people are pretty lazy and don't really want to put whole lot effort in to keeping things working once the excitement wears out.<br />
Part of is hormonal thing that happens to our brains beginning of the romance our brains create all these hormones and hormones that create attachment, blind us from the faults of our sexual partners then those hormones wear off.<br />
Those hormones are human evolutions way of keeping sexual partners together long enough to produce offspring and want to care for them regardless if in modern day our sexual unions lead to reproducing children.<br />
Do a google search on "Science of Love" there is lot of interesting things about why we feel compelled to be with certain people, why feel they are wonderful when we are sexual attracted to others and then why it suddenly changes when the sexual attraction wanes. Its all hormonal. Its our bodies way of getting our minds to bond with others for reproduction but sadly when the feelings wear off from that new relationship energy our interst wane.<br />
Which really sucks.<br />
Yet who would want to be with someone who really is no longer interested in you? How would you feel if you were the one no longer interested in this person but forcing yourself to be with them?<br />
It is possible to have long term relationships but it requires a certain amount of willingness for both people to create those situations and most people these days are trained to not know how to do this or even find it worthwhile to do so.<br />
It doesn't mean the person left is worthless though its just means that everything is transitiory, everything changes.<br />
Which for some people having more than one romanctic love is no problem, they want to go to love and find new love that exciting feelings those situations bring.<br />
The thing is not everyone is capable of forming one romantic or emotional sexual attachment after the other.<br />
I know I am not capable of sexual bonding in that way and so its hurts me more when that rare person I desired and wanted to have sexual or romantic relationship with doesn't happen or doesn't work out. That probably why I spent most of my life celibate. I just not able to do it. Its pretty depressing I confess.<br />
Anyway sorry about the ramble.

if I were there with you , I'd add a mug of hot chocolate topped with marshallows to that group hug from The Seeker . We are here for you angel.

Thank you. I'm so blown away, and deeply touched by all the support I have received from this community. Thank you for your kind words. I am doing better everyday.

this is what people on EP do for each other . You are n't alone if you are on EP . where s that hot chocolate ? and get Seeker on with the kalua ....

Ouch ! my angel , I can feel your pain and grief through the lines you have written . It is like a living bereavement for you just now. <br />
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There is nothing anyone can say that is going to ease the pain , hurt, bewilderment, anger,betrayal and disappointment you are feeling just now.<br />
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However, in about 18 months you are going to wake up and think that he did you a huge favour by dumping you. You won't feel it just now my love. But he is n't worthy of having someone like you , who has such a strong sense of loyalty and capacity for love, to esteem him so greatly . <br />
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Just keep your head held high. Wish him well with grace and forgiveness and you ARE going to meet someone who is good enough for you . Just don't bounce into it too soon love . And in June 2013( if not before ) get on 'experience project' and say '' hey soggycardboard you were right , old dear.... ''

Thank you for your support. I'm doing better. You are right, I am mourning, but I'm not wallowing. I'm still sad, but I am taking care of myself. I'm not rushing into anything right now, I'm all about staying close to my friends, concentrating on work and school. I've really appreciated having such amazing support in this community; it's giving me hope.

When you fined your true love it will be so much better,you will bless the day he ended it.

That's what I keep telling myself. Thank you!

Sorry, didn't bother with the comments. But this reminds me of one of my sis' highschool friends. All of her girlfriends and her moved wherever, did college, settled with someone, and all eventually moved back to the neck of the woods they came from. So now they all hang out, talk about their kids, etc etc...except one...one girl of them. Apparently she felt much like you do now, and she invested 4 years in her last boyfriend, then finally she asked "we going somewhere with this?" and he said "nah, not really" and left her in the dust. She took a lot of meds to help deal, and was...well...rather stuck into a "party-girl" mode, as it offered her the chance to meet the most amount of potentials and such. Hell even I started flirting with her, as odd as it was, lol.<br />
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But she did end up finding someone, a very neat and cool someone, even after she was desperate and sure she'd just end up an old maid and all of her friends have had their second child and talking about things that only those with kids and long-foresight talk about; she found hers.<br />
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Anyways, don't feel hopeless about the "spring chicken" bit, some guys prefer experience more than non. Some prefer those who know what they want instead of games. Some prefer many things, and you're surely in there for more than a few :)<br />
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Just remember these three words: "I'm somebody's fetish" XD

Hi Pebbulz,<br />
Yep, you are absolutely right, it really feels awful when you get your feelings trampled on by someone you have invested so much time and energy into. There are no words to help you through this time, except to just keep breathing, and keep going forward one day at a time.<br />
There Is, however, always a glimmer of hope: I actually met my beautiful wife of over 2o years at our 20th High School Reunion, so you can figure out how old we were...It was glorious! After each of us had left bad marriages for various reasons, and she was a single mom with three children, she had also just about given up hope, and for various reasons, so had I...Then, when you just don't expect it, something wonderful happens to you, and it usually does to good people!<br />
For whatever reason, the good Lord called her home a month ago, and it of course makes me very sad, but I still have the memories of all those amazing years together, and of course the love of the children....Good people are out there...and you'll usually bump into one of them when your mind is on something else. <br />
One thing that helped me, is knowing that IT WASN'T MY FAULT...You have to have faith that you are, indeed, a good person, and you didn't do anything wrong. You cannot accept responsibility for someone else's lack...you have no control over it...<br />
Day by day, breathing in and out, they somehow pass, and somehow you start to heal. And somewhere, maybe just around the corner, someone special has been waiting for you..

Thank you for your lovely words. I'm really trying everyday. Reading all these comments and other stories is helping me tremendously. I'm not alone and I'm gain a little bit of hope everyday.

i will pray for u that u get the right person...who can love u more than u deserve..:)

Thank you.

Hi - the part where he said he thinks he's incapable of loving spells it out right there. Sounds like he bounces along and when things are too intense he falls back on the excuse "I can't love..." and starts over with someone new. He probably is right; he can't love and doesn't deserve it either for hurting you/others this way. I'm sorry for your situation. It sucks that you are the one stranded while he's got someone there the next second. You can think of it as the next victim. There is hope indeed for you though because you made a good faith effort. We waste time in our lives on people who aren't going to fulfill our needs and when we come to that realization, we've grown again and grown closer to one who can reciprocate. You were right to try and move it to the next level and its a blessing that you did so you didn't lose more time with him. Cheers to you.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm really trying to look at it from that perspective. There are days I have a glimmer of "He didn't deserve me; I'll find someone who does." They are only fleeting glimmers, but they are there. I'm working on not letting my heart harden and just getting through the pain.

I'm hoping that hope will follow.

HI Pebbulz
I do not agree with you. First This is the right age to enjoy life nearing 40. To me life starts around 40 to have fun. I believe there is no old age even after 70 my dear. I strongly believe in this and I mean it, not because I am writing to you.
Life is fun and one should move on always. If one is foolish and does not understand the meaning of love and care than other partner should not waste time and energy. Believe in your self and enjoy life with broad smile not to show other but for innerself.