Post

The Fine Line Between Friends and Something More

My senior year of high school was everything I had hoped it would be: great friends, amazing weekends spent doing hilarious things, counting down the days until we were sent into the "real world"...and one thing I hadn't really planned.  I fell in love my senior year.  He was a tall, muscular, boy with light brown hair and sparkling blue eyes.  We'll call him James.

I had dated James during my freshman year in high school, but the relationship was short-lived.  I remember liking James, but at that time I do not remember loving him.  I think I was too young to really grasp the feeling of love.  Things changed, seasons faded, and we became distant.  We finally ended things on a good note, and decided to be friends.

During the next two years of high school, I would occasionally see James wandering through the halls or in the lunch room, but we never really made a point to talk to one another.  We shared different interests and different groups of friends.

I was a cheerleader all throughout high school, and James was a football player.  It was a tradition in our high school for the varsity cheerleaders to make all of the senior football players scrapbooks of their final football season.  The cheerleaders were able to choose which football players' scrapbooks they wanted to create, and I chose to do James' simply because I wasn't really a "normal" cheerleader...I didn't hang out with the football players, and James was one of the only ones I talked to.

Standing on the sidelines taking pictures of James all throughout football season made me realize how much I had missed him over the past two years.  I missed talking to him, I missed the way he was so layed back about everything....he never seemed to have a care in the world.  We started talking more and more throughout the fall. 

During this time, I worked at a small cafe in my hometown that was across the street from Hungry Howie's, where James worked.  Whenever I was working nights at the cafe, James would come in for an ice cream and to chat.  I soon found myself sitting in the cafe every time I worked hoping to see James walking across the street in his goofy bright yellow hat.

All of my unexpected feelings came together, and I realized that I was overbearingly attracted to James.  We made jokes about our previous relationship and we began to talk more and more.  He was famous for texting.  I remember sitting in class hoping to feel my phone vibrate and declare "you have one new text message."  I got butterflies everytime I saw him and everytime I heard his name.

One weekend while I was working at the cafe, my older sister invited me to go with her to a party.  I told her I would love to go, but I wanted somebody else to be with because I didn't know too many of her friends.  James came into the cafe, and I decided to ask him if he wanted to go.  He agreed and told me he would call me when he got off work.

My sister and I went to pick James up and made our way to the party.  It was a little strange to be around a bunch of people that I didn't know, and I was very happy that James had decided to come.  Soon, James told me he should go home because he had snuck out of his house earlier in order to go out.  I told him I would take him home, and on the way, the offer arose for me to stay the night with him.  My heart soared.  Did he feel the same way I did? I decided to accept the offer, and called my sister to tell her I was staying at James' house.

James snuck me into his house, and we layed on his bed talking for hours.  We talked about everything.  Our past relationships, family life...everything.  One thing eventually led to another, and we slept together.  I can't even explain to you how filled up with emotion I was.  I was so happy.  I guess it never really occured to me that he didn't have feelings for me.  I was nieve.

The next few weeks were a blur.  I slept less because I was thinking about him.  I made a point to see him in the hallways.  We didn't talk as much as I had hoped, and it seemed as though our night together was simply casual.  Days went by, and in May, I decided not to go to my senior prom.  I didn't have anybody to go with and I figured I went to prom as a junior and that I wouldn't be missing anything.

On my way home from school one day, my cell phone rang and said "you have one new text message."  It was James, asking me to go to prom with him.  I was estatic! I thouht for sure if he was asking me to go to prom, he must have feelings for me.

The night of prom was honestly one of the best nights of my life.  He took me out to a beautiful resturant and we had a blast dancing and laughing all night.  When we left, we decided to go to one of the parties he had heard about.  We never made it there because the "offer" came up during one of our conversations.  When I went home, I was filled with butterflies.  Everything seemed perfect.

Throughout the summer, we occasionally hung out, but things never moved in the direction I had hoped.  We had plans one night to hang out, but when I called to find out what time he was coming over, he said he wouldn't be.  I asked him why and he said "because there's someone else."  My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest.  I couldn't breathe.  I asked him what he meant and I remember his response exactly: "We were never really together...and now there's this other girl I like.  I don't think I should come over...it's just not right." I was torn.

The rest of the summer past without a word exchanged between us, but I thought about him constantly.  I hoped that somehow, someday he would come back, although he was never really there in the first place. 

One Sunday night, I was working at a small party store when James stopped by.  We decided to get together and talk after my shift.  We didn't really have a place to go, so we sat in his Durango in the parking lot of the store.  We talked as friends for awhile and then he said he was sorry for everything he had done to me.  He told me he never meant to hurt me and he even went as far as to say those three dreadful words: "I love you."

I was still too torn by what James had done to me before so I never really acknowledged his confession.  I was afraid to open myself up to him again only to be destroyed a second time.  We began to talk a little more, and we finally became friends again.

Now, James and I are still friends.  It kills me to keep the feelings for him I have inside.  When we hang out, he kisses me, but I don't think he has any feelings for me. I hurts so incredibly much to know that he feels nothing when I feel so much.  I still get butterflies when he calls.  When I see him, I feel like my chest is going to explode.  I want to be with him so bad, but I cannot and will not let myself open up to him.  I cannot go through all of that pain again.  I want so badly for him to hold me in his arms, stroke my hair, and kiss my forehead as he once did....but it is the last thing I want at the same time.  I truly love someone who doesn't love me....

wsmith14 wsmith14 19-21, F 2 Responses Mar 10, 2007

Your Response

Cancel

It will get better. I know it's hard to believe right now and it doesn't help that you still see him. I hope everything works out for you and that you meet someone who makes you feel the way "James" does and feels the same way about you.

So sad... Hope you get better.