Trying to Move On

There's this guy... let's call him H. I met him in my first year at uni on induction day. Sharing similar majors, interests and societies meant a lot of time spent together our friendship grew very quickly. For me it soon turned into love although I didn't tell him, hoping one day he would say he felt the same. My love for him however, soon turned into possesiveness. I disliked any girl, who either didn't have a boyfriend or was not otherwise attached, who spent too much time talking/ flirting/ joking with him. It cut me whenever it looked like he was going to get together with another girl or when our mutal friends discussed his possible relationships when I was only seen as a good friend. On the face of it, I still smiled and pretended to be the bubbly, friendly person everyone knew me for but inside I was dying; feeling like my heart was being ripped out everytime he smiled at or walked a girl to the station.

Our friendship faded when he graduted and I was still in university. We saw less and less of each other which wrecked havoc with my mind; everytime he didn't call or show up when he said he would, I assumed he was off with another girl. The logical part of my brain told me he wasn't that kind of guy but I was so desperate to have him that anything else seemed like betrayal even though we weren't together.

On Valentine's day he left a voicemail saying he wanted to speak to me and my heart jumped but it wasn't to tell me the words I ached to hear for so long; he couldn't make it to a party of mine because he had another party to go to. I feel so stupid because I kept hoping, kept wishing, kept reading things that I wanted to read into the situation to give myself hope that maybe, deep down somewhere he liked me too but didn't want to say it.

After 3 years, I had to move country. I foolishly assumed we could still be together long distance, still thinking that maybe he liked me too. 2 nights before I left, I told him that I liked him. He said he only felt for me as a friend. I felt like something inside of me died that night. All the wishing and hoping were mocking me and yet I still pathetically wish now for the same thing as I did then.

It has been almost 4 years and next year I move country again, being even further from him geographically than I was before. If only my heart would catch up and stop loving him because I still do. I have never cried over a guy more than I have cried over H; I have never wished for anything harder than for us to be together. I know I'm still young and perhaps ignorant that it might be possible to fall in love again but I don't want to. I just want H and not having him with me kills me. I don't want his friendship, I want his love. He still wants friendship ad thinks that things can go back to the way they were. To me friendship is a mockery of what I want. It sounds so selfish; if I really loved him I should let him go, right? But I can't. I've tried so hard but I can't let go. It stabs me and makes me cry and still like a fool I hang on, waiting for someone that doesn't love me.

Aching Aching
22-25, F
Mar 18, 2007