Always In Love, Never Loved

I should have the highest self esteem. I should be really conceited. Lots of guys tell me all the time that I'm pretty and that they want to get with me. But when I look in the mirror I don't see that because every guy I like never likes me back. I've been having this same empty feeling since I was 10 years old. You may say you can't be in love that young, but I don't know. I think anyone can be in love. But as you get older and grow you fall in love for different reason than you did when you were younger.

 

When I was 10 I was in love with this boy at my school. He was two grades ahead of me. I thought he was EVERYTHING. Jirus. I'm not sure why but I did. Well he never liked me like that. I was a little 4th grader and he was a big 6th grader.

Later I moved on to this boy I've known all my life. I never thought of him that way until I was 14. One day it dawned on me that he was very, very good looking (I still think he is till this day) Ben. I feel for him hard. Very hard. He was all I ever thought about. But after three years of crushing I decided to tell him I liked him. He told me that I was too much of a friend to him for him to like me in that way. I was devastated. After a year of unrequited love I forced myself to move on once again.

When I was a freshman in high school I met this boy named Kyle. He was a this white boy that acted so ghetto. I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I always have like boys outside my race because I never was around that many, so I liked him right away. We were friends but that is all it ever came too. After Hurricane Katrina I lost contact with him. It wasn't that bad but I did like him a lot. Not love. But I did really like him.

I went to Georgia after Katrina, just until I got my house fixed. There were some guys that came and go. A few liked me, a few didn't, but then I met this boy named Caleb. A cute Hispanic boy (I LOVE Hispanic guys - Don't know why). I didn't even like him that much when I first met him. He was just okay to me. He was really cute but I didn't know him at all. But as I got to know him I started to really like him. He had a girlfriend though. He  led me on. His sister was the one to tell me about Grace. Then he said he wasn't going to break up with her "because he didn't want to hurt anyone." He neglected to think about the fact that he was hurting me.

During that time I meet up with Ben again. He happened to come to GA to. I thought I was back liking him for a second but I'm not sure what I was feeling. After Katrina emotions were just so random. It may have just been loneness. I also met this boy named Richard. (He is Hispanic too. Puerto Rican. THEY ARE THE FINEST. I have no idea why, but Puerto Ricans are just sexy.) I thought he was really cute but that was all. But I only had eyes for Caleb. But I found out about Grace at the same time as the second semester, when I got two classes & lunch period with Richard. We got to know each other. He was just the kind of guy I liked. I was in LOVE with. Sprung instantly. Truly in love. I never felt that way for ANY other guy I knew. He was Crazy and goofy. Insanely sweet. Kind hearted. A gentlemen, but knows how to be bad. Plus he had EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL eyes. I swear to I've NEVER in my life seen eyes that color. A gorgeous blueish Gray color with flicks of honey. Beautiful. And he has this smile that just makes you HAVE to smile. You can't help it. If I was mad at him all he had to do was smile and I was back in love with him. I told Richard that I was feelin him, but he told me he didn't want to get with me because I was leaving soon (this summer) to go back to New Orleans. I think he was just saying that to be nice and that he really doesn't like me like that. But that is where I stand now. I'm head over heals for Richard and he doesn't for me. Same story and always for me. For 7years I've been in unrequited like and love. I really don't believe love is out there for me anymore. I'm only 17 but I don't think I'll have it.

superchick08 superchick08
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 24, 2007

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all that. You are 17, and you are young, I remember those years, i was sort of opposite to you, I was the one being told that the girls onlywanted to be friends with me and nothing else. I even have a story on this same group about someone I loved but didn't love me. Believe me, things will get better, as guys maturre more they tend to focus n the things that really matter. Just give it time, you are young, have fun, go out....do fun things, I wish i would've focused on fun time rather than getting hooked up with someone. <br />
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also Good luck, and hopefully you won't let yourself be heartbroken anymore.

hi im chris and you can find me on here if ya want to talk

i could have written parts of your letter years ago until I figured out that I was having sex too soon in the relationship(way too soon)in fact usually there was no relationship until after sex.(hey it was the 70's)good luck sweetheart and learn to love yourself alone & truleybefore getting involved too seriously.the best love usually comes when you r'nt even lookin.c ya

i could have written parts of your letter years ago until I figured out that I was having sex too soon in the relationship(way too soon)in fact usually there was no relationship until after sex.(hey it was the 70's)good luck sweetheart and learn to love yourself alone & truleybefore getting involved too seriously.the best love usually comes when you r'nt even lookin.c ya