The Worst Kind Of Agony.It has been quite a long time since I was last able to say that I loved him, but reading all of your stories in this group, I remember so vividly. The worst part is seeing them end up with someone else and wondering why on earth that other person was good enough and you weren't. You ask yourself that question because it never even occurs to you that it might not be your fault. That it might be the other person, or the situation, or the wrong timing or so many other things.
You lie in bed at night and you can physically feel the emptiness, like you'll be able to touch it if you were to reach out. There's a hole inside you, a terrible, gaping hole filled with agony and desire for the wrong things. Because we can never seem to love something or someone that's good for us, can we? It always has to be that one thing we know will absolutely destroy us. Because what the hell, going down is kind of poetic in a way.
The strange thing is that heartbreak can be addictive. You know exactly what you have to do to make it stop. You have to let go and you know that if you do, it will stop eventually. But you still can't. Because no matter how horrible this is, love is still love and love is a good thing. So suffering for love seems like a good thing, in a sick way. And that's why you hold on. That's why you're so stuck and that's why you can't move on.
The sad part is that even though all the people who told you you'd get over it were right, you'll never forget what this did to you. If someone breaks your heart into enough pieces, hurts you bad enough, you NEVER forget the pain.
I got over it. I can honestly say I don't love him anymore. I fell in love with someone else and we're together and we're happy. But now I resent him. Because I can still see his face and hear his voice tell me that I'm worthless. And when I think about him, it always takes me back to that dark place I was in at the time, and I feel the echo of that agony deep inside. That never goes away.