The 10 Year Crush...

...well at least 9 years. I don't know if this story is about typical love, but it is all that I know. At the young age of 16 I met him. My very first part time job, he was sitting across the room. We just landed a job working at the newest fast food restaurant in town and we were having our orientation meeting. He was amazing cool, and totally handsome in the dangerous white boy thug kind of way (really...I pathetic does that sound...but I was 16...cut me some slack). I knew he was the one for me. So, for the months that we worked together I found ways to hang out with him and his friends. I started smoking, so we could take smoke breaks together. I started smoking pot so I would always have an excuse to be at his friend's house. I started hanging out with the skanky girls in school, who hung out with his friends. Looking back at the progression of this now, maybe not such great choices. I tried coy ways to get him to notice me, because I was so shy. I would always make sure that I saw him before basketball games so I would have good reasons for him to see me in my cheerleading skirt, or I would ask him for help with my homework, even though I was 10 times more studious and we went to different schools. I always covered my secret love for him by saying I just wanted to get into his pants, but that was not the case at all. I really wanted to be his girlfriend.

Finally, the day came where my actions finally payed off. We didn't quite do "it" but about as close as you can without really doing "it". Was it this great magical event that I had been hoping for? Not even close. Not only was I super inexperienced and I had no idea what I was doing, it didn't really seem like he even appreciated it. In fact, the whole situation was rather degrading.

Months went on, and we lost touch. My mom found out all the horrible changes I had made in my life and made me quit my job and grounded me until further notice. I still saw him every now and again, when my friends and I would make laps around wal-mart, but never did I ever have the courage to talk to him. Plus he always had amazingly beautiful girlfriends, so that was intimidating. I always wondered how he scored such hot girls. Not that he isn't hot...but he holds neither the best body nor the cutest face by everyday standards. I would describe his looks more as cute than sexy. Although I had a couple different  high school boyfriends after thisincident, I lusted over him from afar (and sometimes in secret) for the rest of my high school years.

After I graduated high school I went to college a couple of towns away, and I thought about my dream guy less and less. Steadier boyfriends came. My freshman year I dated a huge dumbass, but after we broke up I met the guy I am still with today. Let's call him Max. Max and I have been dating almost 6 years. It started out hot and steamy, but has gradually turned more dull than playing Uno for 6 hours straight. We now live together, and even though I love him it seems much more in a friend way, than in a romantic way. We have our share of the problems, but that's a different blog. Anyway, every now and again I would get updates from my friends about my "dream guy."  My friends would stumble across his friends, or relatives, or whatever, and I would always have some sort of information about where he was.

Max and I broke up my Junior year in college for a couple of months, because I wasn't giving him enough attention. To mend my wounds one night I ended up at the local college bar with a friend. And guess, who was there. None other than Mr. Dream. I was so nervous, but I got up enough nerve to talk to him, and all I could come up to say is "do you have a light." Of course he did, and he asked me back to his place. So of course I went. We did go all the way that night, and yet still not that magic that I always pictured in my head. Again, akward and minorly demeaning. Afterwards, he pretty much sent me packing home, but I was still ecstatic none the less. I stayed up all night so I could call my friend and tell her as soon as she got to work.

Months went on and Max and I got back together. More of the normal with him, and gradually the desire to be with my dream man faded. I graduaded college and started teaching. I heard Mr. Dream moved to the north part of the state. Although I was sad it was not life altering. I was happy, content, and okay. After my first year of teaching I was ready to move, and I found a postition in the north part of the state and decided that I wanted to move there. Subconciously, I now think I moved for him rather than the job. So Max and I packed all of our crap and moved north together.

Since Max and I moved in together things with Max have been rough. I catch myself having dreams about my high school crush, and secretly lust over him again. I want to find him. Over the past few months I have been researching. On myspace I found a mutual high school friend. Clicking on his friends I see a girl I don't recoginize. I click on her pictures, and she is snuggled up to Mr. Dream at the beach, and what the crap she if freakin' beautiful too!. Mr. Dream..not so much... but I still see his charm. A couple weeks later she set her page to private so that kind of sucks. Randomly, one day I was south for the weekend and I went to a restaurant with my mother, and guess who is the greeter? No other than the myspace girlfriend. Yep, I knew she looked familiar, but then when her nametag matched her profile name it clicked.

More months, more dreams, now a pack with myself that I will find him and talk to him this summer, a pack with myself to lose the "Max" weight I put on, and try to look as hot as the girlfriend, when I finally got the latest piece of info. He is working at a grocery store. My friend called and said she went in to pick up something from the grocery store and he was working there... How she described him looking... old and unhappy. So of course I had to see for myself.

I packed up my stuff Friday to drive south for the weekend. I convinced my two best friends to go to the grocery with me. We walked in and start looking for the department he works in. I'm too scared to walk in front of him, especially with how un-hot I am right now, and how hot his girlfriend is right now, so I hide in the frozen foods while they walk by. He's working and they say he looks awful, and that I really need to see for myself. I freak out but I do. And basically he looks old and unhappy, due mainly the Earl mustache he has grown (well it stops at the end of the mouth like earl's does, but it is no where as thick, actually it it pretty thin). Who told him that looked good? And I heard his voice...His voice...same but different. I actually almost got spotted because he kept talking to the woman in front of me but I think I was undetected. And again I find myself in love.

Why am I this college educated woman, who is months away from starting a doctorate in love with a 26 year old grocery store worker, but I can't help it. I love him. I love him. I want him to be mine, be my boyfriend, be my husband, be the father of my future children. But what if he turns me down? What if I'm too fat? What if he really loves his girlfriend (I would guess that they have been dating for at least a year)? What if I wait to long too talk to him and he quits his job and I can not find him? How is it possible for me to give away my 6 year comfortable relationship with Max for a 26 year old grocery worker? Why do I love him so? But...I guess the true question is...will he ever love me?

hellome hellome
22-25, F
7 Responses Apr 8, 2007

This story inspired me , also the comments. :)

maybe you just want what u cnt have. What if u were able to get him and its nothing like you have imagined?

i agree with chickita. i can relate to how you feel. i too feel like i'm in love with someone i can't really have. but when you really think about it, its like being in love with a dream. this person does not love you and how can you really be happy knowing the person you want, doesn't feel the same way about you.

Dude get over it, the guy barely acknowledges you...he's fat and now ugly...a lowly shop worker, you are obviously stuck in the past, and hope to conquered him for that exact reason. You subconsciously want to PROVE you can, what with his high taste in women, if you can win him, you'll be happy ...right. WRONG once you have badgered him into submission it will all be very anti-climatic...and you'll see it was all ego and no substance. Think before you act, this could get embarrassing.

I'm 20 and my girl is 19.<br />
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Well, I'm going to say I'm your "Max" in this relationship. I have a girlfriend of 4 years who tells me EVERYTHING! She has told me of the guys she likes and everyone she hates. Its a roller coaster being with her, but I can't stop loving her. <br />
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After a while i see these patterns emerging. If she is attracted to another boy then she will pay less attention to me. Actually i feel like i'm worthless to her and she makes it seem like i need to be out of her life. When she feels that attraction toward that other man I get all the negativity and more. <br />
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All i have to say is, you know your "Max" is a good man, but when you are feeling like he isn't worth keeping around because you are confused about which man you want in your life, don't take that out on him. Its not fun....but it does put us men in our place.<br />
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I know this is not what your experience is about, but I feel for Max, so I had to say something. (I also hope you understand what I'm talking about.)

i totally agree with ezzie and i say you should prolly get rid of max too ... he doesn't make you happy and that's apparent. relationships are hard work and unless you two are both going to work together to make the relationship more fulfilling ... i'd begin my doctorate minus about 190 lbs (the man) ;-) then focus on yourself, your work, your studies. it's been 6 yrs, sure. but it's not a total loss even if it ends. there's always something positive to take away from any situation and certainly, as you know, many things to be learned! my best to ya!

Hi, listen I completely understand your situation my love is a home depot worker I met when I was 16. I am a successful compliance officer and shouldn't love a man who doesn't love me, but I can't help it. The difference is he is still in my life and practically lives with me. You have the opportunity to opt out. Like you said it fades. Find a man who you can have a great time with. Who is at your level, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Search for that and forget the dude that has only taken advantage of the moments he's had with you to get some. He's just not at your level and obviously continued to live like a high school kid, making a little pocket change. SAVE yourself. Good luck!!! I wish you the best.