From A Boy To A My Heart...

I knew him since he was 15 and I was 20. He was the son of my co-work and now best friend. Back then I saw him as just a boy. Someone I could be a mentor to. He would call me and ask if he could come over and record music together and I gladly would say yes feeling like I was doing something good in my life by providing an outlet for him within a very strict Christian household. It was all innocent. I would spend hours recording and writing songs with him and we would talk about whatever came to mind. At times I would be the one his mom called when she was overwhelmed with dealing with his teenage years. Although challenging to his mom, those years where fun and exciting to me because I always felt I had a special place with him and his family.

He was 20 years old and married the last time I saw him. It was at my sister’s wedding. He came home from college that year and sang the song I wrote for her wedding. It was like old times and we laughed and had fun just like when he was a kid. He had grew into a rather attractive charismatic young man. Still, I only saw him as my friend’s son and nothing more. Time hadn’t changed the love and admiration we had for one another. I spoke so highly of him like a proud big sister or aunt. He was always near and dear to my heart. As a matter of fact, for a lot of reasons his family was dear to me but I will save that part of the story for another day.

In 2010 I slowly began to find his family on Facebook. Eventually I found him and added him as a friend. Wow! He was no young man now. He was a grown man, recently separated and very attractive. I almost choked on the food I was chewing at the time when I saw his profile picture. I immediately got a grip and felt that the feeling I was experiencing was inappropriate. I said to myself “I mean hey… he’s like family, how could I be attracted to him?” I brushed it off as just a natural reaction to an attractive guy and didn’t think twice about it.

As the year went by I caught myself from time to time starring at his pictures and looking at his facebook page often. I even had sexual dreams about him and began to go through that what if stage contemplating a romantic love between the two of us. He would make little comments on my page and would like a few of my pictures I would post. I just kept my thoughts to myself though because I didn’t want to seem inappropriate in my thinking. You know how people can be so judgmental.

But I contacted him one day in the summer of 2011. When we saw each other I could feel the sexual energy between us. I tried to ignore it and play it off but it was obvious I was highly attracted to him. That very first day we went there. Sharing sexy revealing pictures with each other and hinting around to an encounter. By the end of the night we both had shared more than enough to arouse the other. The next day it happened. We found ourselves kissing and frolicking in the hallway at his house. I couldn’t believe I was doing this and I resisted at times, but really I was enjoying it. I told him I would come back the next day because I had to work that night. And that morning, we had passionate sex for hours. He took me to a place I hadn’t been sexually since my ex-husband. Without warning I was so gone over this man. I didn’t ever think I would be in such an intimate place with him but it happened. What happens now.

He made more advances at me but I turned him down. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I felt guilty. I don’t really know why I turned him down but I did. If I could go back I would say yes to every advance he made. I feel my actions then set the course for what our relationship is today. To me it is a distant every now and then interaction that mimics the times from when he was a teen. We basically talk about music here and there, how he’s doing and other surface type conversations that are nice but mundane since our experience. I have tried for the last year to spend time with him often. I want to experience that feeling I feel with him. I want to indulge in that sexual energy that took me to another place. I want to be that woman that he desires as a friend and a lover. But the only secure place I know I have is as a friend. It drives me up the wall that he doesn’t come after me like he did when we first had sex. We have gone there here and there but the feeling that I have for him is not mutual. He doesn’t show it like he showed it that very first time. I love him in so many ways, passionately, compassionately, sexually and the list goes on. I love his very presence. When I see him my heart beats fast and I have to calm myself down. When I hear his voice it’s like a calming agent to my soul. When he sings it melts my heart and I could play his songs 24hrs a day 7 days a week. When he touches me every nerve in my body gives me an intense pleasurable feeling. What went wrong? Why the more I want him the less he is concerned with me. He doesn’t call me like he used to. He doesn’t text me sweet hello’s in the morning like before or call me to spend a little time with him. I wonder if he just looks at me as the friend of the family and one that he probably should have never messed with. I wonder if maybe when I make advances at him he is uncomfortable with it now and only concedes to not hurt my feelings.

I told him how I felt a couple of months back. He responded “I don’t think I took that the way I was supposed to so I’m going to just say I don’t understand and apologize for anything I have done to make you feel anything but happiness. I don’t know what to say, but I feel like I owe u an explanation…I was under the impression we talked about this.” Well! Yeah we did talk last year and I told him that I had very strong feelings for him and he told me it wouldn’t be right because of who I am to his family. So despite my obvious unrelenting love for him, in my opinion, he has settled on the ideal of not being bothered with me on this. Yes I feel like a bother, a nuisance, a pest. I feel like Monique from the Parker’s TV show that chased Professor Oglevee despite his apparent disinterest in her. I truly love someone who doesn’t love me back. He may love me… but not the way I love him. He may care about me… but truly not the way I care about him. He totally not realizing that my love for him goes beyond our experiences. My love for him runs my life. I love everything about him and I make excuses for the things I don’t really like. I just want him to be a regular part of my life. And even if we never have sex again I just want to be in his presences and enjoy his company. I really love this man with all my very being. I would do anything for him and that is not an exaggeration, because I’ve already done so much. And even though I know my dream won’t come true with him it doesn’t stop me from dreaming. I feel like I am stuck with these feelings for the rest of my life. And that wouldn’t be so bad if those feelings were reciprocated by him. In the meantime, I cry myself to sleep. In the meantime, I reminisce on what we had. In the meantime, I patiently wait to get a call or a text from him. In the meantime, I sit and daydream about all the good times we had together. In the meantime, I play over and over in my head our situation unsuccessfully trying to find the reason why I love him so much this way…and why he doesn’t love me back the same. Maybe he has good reasons. Maybe I am irrational to think that I could hold this new place in his life and that it’s ok considering circumstances surrounding it. But I don’t care I want this man and I will always want him and love him this way. He has a place in my heart that even if I meet someone new they could never take his spot. I’m in love with this man for eternity and I will suffer the consequences thereof.

SunsetDaily SunsetDaily
36-40, F
1 Response May 22, 2012

What a love story you have, I'm exactly living at the moment what you have written. He was so lovely with me, and once I returned back home, I haven't heard from him and this makes me really sick. I guess he forgot me, while I taught I was special for him from the way he was relating to me when we were seeing each other. From this experience I learnt that love is a much more complex feeling than we think. If having sex with him was an act of love for you, for him it was probably just a fun moment with a good friend of his, so he doesn't keep what you guys did in a special place of his heart, whereas you were committing all of yourself to him. And you guys live close to each other, so you are very tempted to see him and try to fix things up with him, my prince charming instead lives 1000 miles away so for me there is nothing I can do. What you feel for him has proven dangerous for your long lasting friendship. But you absolutely don't wan to loose him, right? It does take lots of time and efforts, but you have to try to get over him, like I'm trying to do with this guy, and gain back the hope of finding a suitable mr. right, who I'm sure is out there waiting for us. Good luck with everything!

Thank you...I needed to hear that....