How To Know If Someone Loves You - Languages Of Love

ACTIONS - The Language of Love:

Letters to a friend.

Okay. You might not like what I am going to say but I feel it must be said. If a man just says brb, ttyl, speak soon or whatever and then does not proceed to contact you, he more than likely does not want or need to talk to you. Men are very simple creatures, you can usually tell how we feel by the way we act. Don't dismiss his actions. I'll tell you what, there have been times when my words have said one thing and my actions said something else. More often than not, my actions spoke truth and my words were deceptive. Men understand something about women. We understand that women are moved by words, and we can use our words to get what we want. Women don't seem to understand that a mans truth can be seen in his actions. If a man says nothing but shows love, he does indeed love you, but if he says he loves you but does not show you, he probably doesn't. So if a man says he wants to talk to you but doesn't call you, he probably doesn't want to talk to you.

The fact that this man is older than you worries me slightly. He is not that much older but even so, he probably has a bit more experience than you in relationships. What that says to me is that he more than likely knows what he wants and he is probably able to extract what he wants from a younger and perhaps less experienced woman.

Its good to admire someone, its even better to love someone. But you have to learn to love those that can love you back. If you find yourself giving everything whilst the other person is only committing 50% of his efforts, there is a problem there. You'll always be giving and you will invest a lot into something with someone who isn't as committed. When someone is not that committed it is easy for them to walk away. If and when they do walk out, you will be gutted and possibly inconsolable at the "callousness" of your "partner". But in actual fact, there would have been some naivety in your venture. Getting involved with a shrewder partner than yourself.

Okay I'm rambling now, so I'll stop. I hope you get where I'm coming from. I really don't intend to be mean. Just trying to help. Its not always appreciated and I can totally understand why. I don't know you and I don't want to act as if I do because I don't. I just hope that you exercise caution in your relationships. Its a mine field out there. I wish you the best and I hope that you find what you're looking for.



Second Letter 

Don't worry; you can be honest with me without fear of being judged. I'll do my best to try and make sure that doesn't change.
From your past two messages, I have to say, it doesn't look too positive. You know I was almost just like you not too long ago. I gave everything I had and kept giving to someone that only showed up when THEY needed me. She was never there for me when I needed her, it was always, I'm busy with this, I'm busy with that, I promise to call you; I promise to message you, but nothing. Like you, I didn't want to believe her actions; I instead chose to trust in her words. Her words were very few by the way, but what little crumbs she dropped on the floor I picked up and cherished, as I tried to gain sustenance from them.
You see I'm an honest person. I will not say what I don't mean, even if I think it will make you feel better, because I know that in the end, you will call upon the promises made with those words and I will not be able to deliver. But she taught me one very valuable lesson which I will never forget.
Just because you are honest with someone, just because you show someone love and respect, does not mean they will be honest with you. It does not mean they will love you for your kindness towards them, it does not even mean that they will respect you.
I learnt that people will often tell you what they think you want to hear, so long as they're getting something from you. But as soon as they stop receiving benefit from your friendship or they cease to need you, they drop you like a hot potato. It will come as a shock to you as to why they have acted so cruelly, without remorse or even the slightest bit of decency to even allow you to say goodbye in a proper fashion. But that is how users function. I know this because I was once one and I am ashamed of the way I behaved. But hopefully those are events that will never repeat themselves.
In short, I learnt not only to trust someone's words, but rather to trust their actions more. Sometimes all you have to go by is a persons word, and sometimes that is good enough, but every once in a while that persons actions will outshine their words. When those actions manifest, look closely, you are more than likely seeing the real person behind the words.
As they say, “Actions speak louder than words…”
That is true more often than not.
Scorpio1987 Scorpio1987
22-25, M
6 Responses May 29, 2012

Sorry to open this one up in but one IMPORTANT aspect of relationships and love has been left out in our society when we talk about this subject, which is the 7% of the population that suffers from, or better said perhaps, inflicts incalculable suffering upon anyone that they can fool into loving them. <br />
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At one extreme there is the full on sociopath, like Ted Bundy, and at the less extreme end are the folks who are simply inherently incapable of feeling love, and empathy, for any other person. For a "normal" person who feels love and empathy the state of mind of someone with a major personality disorder is basically incomprehensible.<br />
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These people essentially see others as tools to get something that they want. This can be anything, maybe they just want you as a prop to make them look like legitimate people like with a narcissist, or they simply want endless attention like in the case of a histrionic. The common thread is that to them you are, and always will be just a supply of what they want. If you stop giving them their supply, then they will not hesitate to toss you aside like someone would a used empty soda can, with no guilt, no emotion, and no remorse.<br />
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These people are so often the ones responsible for the poor people that you run into sometimes, who have been so drained of their spirit and emotions that they have nothing left inside. No more self esteem, no more self confidence, no faith or belief in even love itself. They have been abused, miss treated, used and then tossed aside by someone they thought loved them like they were nothing, thus they are filled with unimaginable pain, fear, and the deep sadness you can see in their eyes.<br />
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The myth is that you can spot these predators and avoid them, which is so far removed from the truth. The families of the extreme example: Ted Bundies victims nearly all remarked that they felt that finally their daughter was dating a "decent guy". One common thread is that in nearly all cases the victim thought that they had met their soul mate, the first red flag for me was that things seemed almost to perfect. Once they have manipulated you into loving them, they have you, and they undergo a Dr Jeckle Mr.Hyde transformation, and now they use every known mind control and manipulation technique known to break you down, and trust me you do NOT know what is happening to you at the time. Since their entire personality is fake you just do not see it until you are in way deep, and in severe emotional pain. The smart ones get out of the relationship at this point, but they are the minority, most suffer for years.<br />
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ANYONE even considering dating today should at least arm themselves with a very basic foundation of knowledge about these personality disorders, this is your only chance. Then you have a chance of spotting them before they can get their hooks into you, and run like hell. One place to start is, but there are so many other web sites dedicated to helping caring and loving people spot these monsters before you become a victim.<br />
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I do not mean to be pessimistic, or to rain on anyone’s parade. I am a natural optimist with maybe more than the average amount of empathy for others, which makes me a perfect target for these predators. Now however after a very close call, I can "see them" and never again will one drain my spirit and happiness. Love is the most beautiful thing in the world but beware there are some who pervert love into something horrible to use to control and exploit others. <br />
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So many times I have heard the social workers and psychiatrists at my work say: "We have another one" and my heart goes out to the victim, who I do not even know. <br />
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Believe in love, and be happy but be aware that when your parents told you that monsters are not real, they were wrong, they are real and they live in 7% of the population, know the signs and you will be fine, it takes only a short time to learn how to spot them and this time is well spent. If you ever suspect that you are with one, see a social worker right away, DO not wait, or it will only get worse. I would be happy to talk with anyone who feels trapped and abused to help you get help, so that you can have your life back, this said I cannot however solve your problems, this takes a professional, because you cannot just dump someone like this, you have to be very careful and get out in a systematic manner.

Great post Scorpio, I wish I had got this kind of an advise long back. I hope it helped your friend to whom it was intended for.

Thank you likya. I hope so too. :-)

amola2012 I feel the exact same way. I really don't understand why I can't get the ones I really desire. Is it possible that we act different in front of those we really want? Because I know I act like a nervous wreck. But I get a lot of my guy friends falling at my feet wanting to date, and I was thinking... maybe we're just not acting like ourselves in front of the ones that we want. If we just act more like ourselves in front of the ones we desire, maybe we'd have a little more luck. I'm more comfortable around my guy friends, because I'm not trying so hard to win their approval. Sometimes when the feeling is there, we find ourselves acting like completely different people. It always makes me wonder; if I didn't try so hard like when I don't try so hard with my friends, maybe I could get the ones I want to want me. <br />
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Now, I can't really speak for everyone, but I also feel like women over think a lot of things, and analyze some of the small things guys say and do, attempting to turn it around in their own favor. Sometimes we think that theres something to decipher behind a mans words, but really there isn't. He's being as forward as possible, and sometimes we just put our blinders on, refusing to see it. Why? Well, because of wishful thinking, and the fact that we really just want them to like us, so we make up excuses for their, in all actuality, obvious actions that are saying they aren't interested. <br />
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It is true what you said, Scorpio1987. Sometimes they just don't like you. I mean, I find it very hard to accept when someone doesn't like me, but then I realize, "hey, I can't get everyone.". It sucks, but its true. We sometimes want what we can't get. And men really do make it obvious sometimes.

I agree with the 1st, 2nd and 3rd paragraph of your post :-) Thank you for your comment. Very thoughtful.

"Is it possible that we act different in front of those we really want?" If you're acting... then maybe that's the issue. The most difficult part of becoming an adult is accepting who we are. Then, and only then, can someone else accept us for who we are.

Thank you. :)

Good point. Very true. Maybe I haven't fully accepted myself yet.

Well said Penn.

2 More Responses

Not all men are deceptive with their words.... and not all women are honest with theirs.<br />
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Having a relationship, on any level, with any person, requires evaluation of the entire package: words, actions, behavior over time and consistency of approach.<br />
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Deception is most typically begotten from fear. Men and women both will say things that are different than the truth due to fear of the reaction if the truth is spoken.<br />
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There is an old saying: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.<br />
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Each of us can protect ourselves with the art of learning to trust others. Being able to trust someone is a beautiful thing, but it's not something that should be rushed.<br />
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It's so much more complicated than simply stating that men rarely speak their minds.

Thank you for your comment Penn.
"It's so much more complicated than simply stating that men rarely speak their minds."
I certainly hope that is not all that you got from my post because that is not what I meant. If you look at the last paragraph of my post you will notice I said trust NOT ONLY in words, but trust MORE so their actions. In other words yes it is okay to afford someone some level of trust based on the words they speak but at some point their words must be backed up by actions. And I do hope that it didn't sound as though I was generalising because I hate generalisations. We are individuals and we are all different. I shall re-read my post again.

Wouldn't be the first time I mis-read something. :-)

You're good. My bad.

I so agree with your words. And experiences has taught me a lot. And I'm happy to find a friend I could be honest without the fear of rejection.

That's wonderful. Hold on to that. I wish you all the best.

Thank you.

It just dawned on me what you meant by your first comment. *facepalm* Thank you :-)

Its so true if a man wants you he wants you end of and you will see this. I keep meeting men that I either want and they don't want me. Or I meet men that want me and I don't want. It feels like a boring circle, why cant I attract what I want. What is wrong with me that I can not attract the one I yearn for?! That is what I am trying to understand. As it affects my self esteem.

I think we all go through periods in life when the ones we want either don't want us or are unavailable. It sucks when it happens. What can you do? You've just gotta keep the faith that some day you will meet someone you like, who will also like you back.