Not the Best of Situations

At 15, the one girl I had ever loved died. She left a huge hole in my life, but one of the saddest things, it seemed to me, was how life just went on, as if it didn't matter at all. I started to heal, and two years later, the summer before my senior year, I felt like I was starting to move into a new chapter of my life. There was one girl, Jennifer, who had always been a friend that I never got to know well outside of school, but I felt like we were hitting it off. I would take the metro into the city to meet her for a half hour of lunch, then leave and ride back home. She made me feel absolutely incredible, and after not feeling good for so long, I knew there was something special. But I didn't want to rush it, so I never really moved forward past an interest.

When homecoming came around, I was planning to ask her. I thought I would play guitar, something heartfelt. But when I told one of my best friends my plan, he said he had been thinking about asking her too. However, another guy we were friends with had had a crush on her for years, and out of respect for him, we both decided not to ask her.

I ended up asking another girl, and I tried starting something with her, but there just wasnt that same...spark, connection, life to it. I sort of gave up on that, and at the same time, began to hear that my best friend was spending a lot of time with Jennifer. It turned out the guy who asked her the dance never followed up after that, and my 'friend' stepped in immediately afterward. I decided I was fine with it. I didn't know what was going to happen.

And that may have been the biggest mistake of my life. Besides not driving to her house the night I decided to ask her to Homecoming and telling her how I felt right there. Because soon they were going out, and what I thought would be a month became a year, and with all the time we spent together, she became my closest girl friend. I spend all of time either with her or thinking about when I can see her, pathetic as it sounds. And all I can think about it is how utterly perfect we would have been together. I try to just give up and move on, but everytime I think I'm past it, it comes back and hits me even stronger, over and over. There's no where I can escape from it, there's no one I can tell...I am more alone than I thought I could ever be. I hurt all the time...I really have no idea where to go from here.
markadams markadams
18-21, M
2 Responses Dec 8, 2006

What a beautiful comment, MysticWriter! Totally agree.

you may think she was the perfect person for you but there's one, really MAJOR thing that makes her not perfect: she's with someone else! if i were you, i'd risk screwing up my friendship with the guy and go directly to her. I'd just say, "Look, I may sound like an idiot to you but, this is how I've always felt about you; this is why I've never done anything about it and I'm telling you this now just in case there's a chance that you might feel the same...cuz, wouldn't it be sad if we both felt the same way for our whole lives and nothing was ever done about it? If you don't feel the same, I understand and wouldn't hold it against you. All I ask is that we'd keep this conversation between you and I. There's no reason my friend has to know about it because he'd think there was a problem and there really isn't one. I simply wanted to make sure I wasn't about to make a mistake I'd possibly regret for the rest of my life." And, then, if she doesn't feel the same, you have to learn to let go of her. Bear in mind that coveting someone who does not want you will ALWAYS prevent you from finding someone who WILL want you....and, I'm sure it'd be a WAY better experience for you if you could feel that same kind of connection with someone who wanted you as much as you want her. If she doesn't want you, I PROMISE you, someone else will! You're a very beautiful young man, according to what you've conveyed in your story.<br />
xoxoxoxo