It Might've Worked In Some Parallel Dimension

There is one experience in my life that, for some reason, has scarred me incredibly. I don't know if it was just the juxtaposition of things in my life at the time, or if I was just in the worst depressive episode of my life, or what, but there was a girl whom I grew obsessed with during college. This was in the aftermath of a rather explosive breakup which also has a lot to do with a lot of my current pathology. But this girl, I would follow her around whenever I could, and I would try to arrange chance meetings just to talk to her. And we were, and actually still are, friends, somehow. It's kind of strange. For some reason, I could never tell her how I felt about her. We started off with the same major, and we took a lot of classes together, and we would save each other seats in the lecture hall. But then she ended up deciding going another path, and changing her major, and dropping the classes we were in together (and no, it wasn't because I was a creepy fiend who was obssessed with her) I missed seeing her every day, and I didn't have as many excuses to be around her. Then one autumn, I thought I would go insane, and I ended up finally telling her about my feelings for her, and she was just kind of stunned, and not knowing what to do next, I just let it go at that, and we never talked about it again. We still hung out, and we still stayed friends, but I felt like I was dying, because it was obvious that she didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her. After we graduated, she started going out with one of my good friends, and I was pretty much a useless third wheel. I ended up having to go home to my parents' house because I couldn't get a job, and I pretty much felt like the biggest loser in the world. In the end, she married my friend, and they have two beautiful children. I still hang on to a couple of memories that once gave me misguided hope, and I don't know why I persist in remembering them. There is this one memory where, I forget why, she grabbed my hand and we started running across the street, laughing like little kids. Then there was that one time when the two of us and a couple of other friends were driving up to the Pacific Northwest, and we stayed at her brother's place, and we all slept on the ground, with her beside me. I remember waking up shivering. She had turned so that she pinned my blanket underneath her and I didn't have any covers on, and I felt kind of freaked out. Eventually, I gently pulled the blanket from out underneath her without waking her. Then there was this one time when we and a bunch of other friends went to the beach to light a bonfire, and I remember the constellation Orion diving head-first into the sea, and even though we had gotten a raging fire going, it was still freezing. And she lay her head upon my chest. Or I'm probably remembering that all wrong. The one thing I do know is that she is still a good friend. When I ended up going home in defeat after graduating, she sent me a card, telling me that she missed me. Even though she never felt the way I felt, I know that she cares about me in some way. I guess I should count myself lucky. Since then I've never really invested myself deeply in any relationships with other women. I think I fall too deeply, too hard, and I've put up nearly impenetrable defenses. The loneliness I feel from time to time is self-inflicted, and while I used to rage against this fact, I've come to just accept things as they are. My friends harass me about not dating, but I just can't do it. And I think about her from time to time, and wonder what could've have been. Probably nothing. Just idle fantasy. And sometimes those memories will come straight out of the blue and get me right there. Whatcha gonna do? Such is life.
victorious victorious
26-30, M
1 Response Apr 22, 2007

wow thats intense!