I Missed My Life Too...

I stumbled on to this site...I was just in the process of writing a poem titled I MISSED MY LIFE...What possessed me to google this title is beyond me...But I did...Which led me to read a short story by a young foreign woman, named "Helen." I feel like I am Helen2...Lost. Alone. Sad. Mad. Feeling like I missed life. The difference is, I'm 22 years older than the Helen I read about...I'm almost 42 years old. I have two children...I had my first child my last year of high school. I had life planned: Although I had this little diversion, I was still on track to go to college...Right after High School, I took my graduation gift money and bought a one-way ticket to Atlanta, Ga. I was to attend Clark College in the Fall of 1988...In fact I had two plans...A 1st and 2nd plan...My first plan became my 2nd plan. My plan B became my Plan A. Plan B was I was going to marry my daughter's father who had recently joined the Army...I was going to gladly be an Army Wife...I figured I could go to college anywhere...Being with my man and our new baby was more important to me than my intial plan...My plan B never happened. My "Baby Daddy" never came for me as he said he would on two separate occassions...He went from place to place in the military and never looked back....Sad, Huh? So, I got my first job working at McDonald's and I attempted to work full time and go to college full time...This didn't work...Shortly after, my infant daughter got drastically ill, which resulted in her having emergency surgery...Afterwhich, I had to quit what I started and be a stay at home mom to care for my recovering child...The next Fall, I attempted my plan of going to college again...I did well in college...Then I met a guy...Married him shortly after. And divorced not too long after that. That story is too long to go into...The next Fall, I met and got involved with yet another guy...Durig that short lived love triangle, I became pregnant. The guy ditched me...Now here I am with two chidren, no education, no means to an end and I'm just 22 years old...I've always been a go-getter, trying to make things happen that never seems to happen...EVERYTHING I tried, I failed at...One thing for sure, motherhood called for my full attention. So my dreams were put on hold...I missed my life...I blinked and my daughter graduated from high school , went to college briefly, met a guy, married the guy, had a son, divorced, met another guy and had another son. By age 22 my daughter had two chidren, no education and no means to an end...Sound familar? Seem like a cycle? The difference here is that my daughter ditched her two sons with their dads. One dad couldn't cope and sent the oldest of the sons to me...Just when I thougt I would have my life back, to do as I please once my son went off to college, my then 3 year old grandson comes through the door 3 months before my son (my last biological child) heads out the door...Now, here I am; a caregiver once again. Starting all over from the beginning. Forced to resign from my 9 year job, because ends weren't meeting to cover the new expenses I incurred by having my grandson...I'm attempting to start a small home based business catering to senior citizens while I cater to my grandson as well as planning once again to resume my studies...Now this sounds familiar...When my children were the age my grandso is, I worked from home as a hairstylist...My dream is 24 years in the making...I hear that life begins at age 40...I will be 42 in two months...So we shall see...My molester called out of the blue after 30 years; asking for forgiveness and instantly wanting to have a relationship with me. Is he serious! I'm forgiving. I forgave. But everything else is too much of a stretch...Once again aggressive...A couple of months ago, I reconnected with my 1st baby daddy or so I thought after having a 10 year on/off lack thereof relationship with my 2nd baby daddy...I feel like I'm going in circles. I need to get off these roller coasters. I hate them...Not the men, but the rocky ride. No relationship is perfect, but..I can kick myself....I've learned as I age, that I set the tone for any and all relationships...Whatever those relationships may be (male, female, employer, etc)

Helen keep your head up...As my grandmother would say, "Girl you have a long way to go and a short time to get there..." Meaning, you have yet to see what life has to offer that is good, bad or indifferent...Everything you experience that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger for the next thing...In God We Trust...Keep Faith...Something good will eventually come from all the madness, misery and sadness...If I think of myself as you, think of yourself like I did myself before reading you; I thought of myself as "Cinderella." After all the storms and years of bad, Goode is coming.

---Smile! Amoladi
Amoladi Amoladi
41-45, F
Jul 12, 2012