Looking Back He Never Seemed HappyI was in a relationship for a year, and most of it was torturing my kind , emotional and romantic nature. I convinced myself it was getting better, he was happy, he was in this too, everything I could do to try to make it feel better, but towards the end it just made me more paranoid and desperately unhappy, and I had to walk away before my soul was destroyed.
It started when a friend invited us to his birthday party in the UK, we had both flown in. I live as an expat in Denmark, and he as an expat in the South of France. He waited for me to arrive and I saw him and we were both instantly attracted to him, he was charming, very easy to chat with, and we fit it off. We actually were like a team in no time. We followed each other round, we could not keep our eyes off each other, and we were both very optimistic. We had the best 4 days, and were sad to have to leave each other. However, we knew we would be together soon enough.
And just a few days later, he had booked me flights to Paris. I could feel how excited he was, and I felt great. I got to Paris, he met me and he just seemed a bit distance. I put this down to his early morning travels. That evening we had a great night, we were so close, and chatted, drank a bit, and he said the nicest things. That was the happiest nights of my life. I have never felt so close to anyone. However, the rest of the trip I could not shake off that he was being a bit distant. He would make frequent calls, including when we were walking along the river, it could have been so romantic, but he called business associates. His phone rang several times on the trip, and he would answer and spend so much time on his phone, my eyes would well up.
I have a feeling, that he can not allow himself to be happy. He is in his 50's, I am 33. He has had a few terrible things happen. When he was 24 he reversed into a child, it was the child that his fiance was taking care of, she was a nanny. It was devastating and they split soon after. He said she was the only woman he ever loved, and there would be no one like her again. He told me he never loved his wife. I cannot help thinking this man sabotages links with people he gets close with. He literally changed over night, from telling me he wanted to spent the rest of his life with me, to been cold and distance. On two occasions he told me he loved me, but when I asked him about this recently, he said he loved me, but was never in love with me. So was he just playing a game?
Over the next few months, we had extreme highs and lows, he kept telling me, he saw us just as loving friends, that hurt, but I thought lets give us a chance. I know I was not imagining how good it could be. I hoped he would change. However, every night we would speak on skype, and we were both very pleased to have each other there. We would chat, and beam at one another.
When we tried a few more trips, I would get short lived moments when he was the man I first met, more frequently he seemed very unhappy. I could not get him to drop the mood, I don't think he even realized. I just wish he could have seen our potential. His behavior was strange, because I tried to walk away, and then he called to say he was very sick and he wanted the girl who meant most to him in the world to visit. I visited him in France, and it was awful, he made little time for me, in fact he worked nearly every day. He decided not to introduce me to friends, he actually acted like I was invisible. Then one day I was in the kitchen and he came over to me put his arms around and told me we were close and this was hurting him too. In the end, I could not take much more, and checked into a hotel.
We have not had contact in 2 weeks, so I think we are both moving on. I could not be with someone who showed so much unacceptable behavior. I just feel he is the type that would never allow his heart to open, and in the end pushes potential love away, it is all very sad. But I have to remember he pushed me away, I wanted to love him, but he would not able love into the equation.