Ten Years Of Anguish

I fell in love with a girl in college at first sight. It was a shattering event. The "attraction", if it can be called that, was something profoundly spiritual; it was like seeing the gates of heaven open up, Pure Beauty itself descending onto the Earth and becoming incarnate in a human being.

I never built up the nerve to ever really speak to her whilst in college. Eventually I graduated and hoped that the love would just pass in time. It did not. that was almost ten years ago. It stays with me every moment, and drives me to tears at least once a day. A while ago I sent her an e-mail and tried to explain myself, fully expecting rejection, which I politely received. I hoped that such rejection might break the spell, but it did not.

My whole life has oriented around my love for someone who was, and is, a stranger to me. I have lived all over the world, worked a dozens of different jobs, passed through a number of different religions, and lived an innumerable number of disparate lives, trying to find something that would "replace" her. I have studied this with all my effort, and all of my work as an academic has, in one way or another, been part of my attempt to find a solution. I put replace in quotes, of course, because I never had anything with her that could be replaced. Yet, for some curious reason, I have felt this constant sense of grief and loss. I eventually got married, hoping that it would ease the pain, which it did not, and that marriage (unsurprisingly) ended in a very bad divorce. It is not something I will repeat; it is wrong to attempt to use one person to replace for another, and the misery of that relationship was entirely my own fault. My heart was with another, and I therefore cannot give it to anybody else. A wife deserves better then that.

As the years have dragged on it has taken its toll emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Everything in the world seems dark, bland, and pointless in comparison with this limitless beauty I witnessed in this young woman. My relationship with God was demolished as I gradually began to feel more and more that He simply abandoned me and has condemned me to a life of sorrow for some inexplicable, and unjustifiable, reason. Yet, at the same time, I know that a being as beautiful as her could not exist if there were no God. It is an agonizing dillema.

Still I have no peace, and doubt peace will ever come. I have never had any hope of being with her, as I know she is simply way too out of my league. I know that my communication with her was the only attempt I could make, a belated one, and it failed as these things usually do. I left it at that, and I would rather die then harass her any further about my feelings. It's not her problem.

It is a lonely road because there are few, precious few, who understand the torment of such a situation. I am continually told simplistic things like "oh, just get over it" or "oh, she's not worth it" or "oh, you need a shrink" and many other things that are an insult to my intelligence (the idea that I have never thought of "just getting over it" in ten years is one of the most insulting things I can imagine). Yes, I know that nobody is perfect, but I do not think love is as blind as we are usually taught; the imperfections of a person does not prevent them from radiating the most spectacular, other-worldly beauty imaginable, does not prevent that person from being a miracle of wondrous light, and does not mean that they are not worthy of the most captivating love possible.  The shame of it is profound and deep. It is only in the past few years I have even started talking to anybody about it. Few have witnessed the efforts I have put in trying to get past this sorrow and make something useful out of my life, and after ten years of struggle, thought, prayer, meditation, study, and reflection I have given up on finding any happiness. There is a certain peace in not fighting the sorrow anymore, and that, perhaps, is all that I can obtain in this life.
sayfadeen sayfadeen
26-30, M
9 Responses Dec 16, 2006

i too feel the same

Ok someone please tell mE that this guy did not commit sucide!!! How sad that he feels he can't find anyone as beautiful!!! Whoever said I"it is frightening that he can't see what it is doing to his life? It is frightening that you can't tell this man is undeed saying he knows it does!!

Sayfadeen killed himself last July. Sad news...

I am going to be really honest with you.<br />
<br />
What you were feeling was not "love". You may think it is, but it's not.<br />
<br />
You were, and are, obsessed with a girl that you never even spoke with. You don't know her. The only "relationship" you have with her is in your mind. <br />
<br />
The only "insult to (your) intelligence" is the fact that you have let this obsession rule your life rather than seek help to get past it. The fact that you don't see how unhealthy this is is frightening.<br />
<br />
Please. Seek professional help for this. Your life will be so much better for it.

Hey Sayfadeen,<br />
My Name is Tucker. I have had a similar experience to you even though I am only a teenager. I have loved a girl - my best friend for eleven years. Please read my um posting or watever you call it. The heading starts off with 11 years. I only joined this yesterday so i dunno how this works so i was wondering wether you could check mine out and comment me bak plz.<br />

something similar happened to me when i was 15 i met this guy who was 17 and i totally fell for him lost my virginity to him the night after we met slept with him another 2 times then was told by a mutual friend he thought i was boring and clingy and didn't want to see me anymore, i went to see him drunk after fessing up to a friend i fell for him to speak to him and he had sex with me within moments of me going to see him i went home feeling upset anyway some months went by and i went to a party and there he was he rubbed my hand without apologising for the way he had behaved so i walked away from him. i bumped into him a few months ago while out drinking & he seduced me again i am so angry with myself for doing that but it happened . i told him everything and although it was 10 years late he did apologise for being a a**e

wow... thats soooo sad. n its k really it happens 2 tha very best of us. just rememba that errthng happens 4 areason

greatest story ever told

Sayfuddin,<br />
You are right, something so beautiful like her can only come from God. However, God gives us our body and beauty only as a temporary vessel for our soul. Perhaps in 10-20 years this lady will not look like the same lady that you envision. If you persevere in search of the True Love, True Beauty, which is only in God the Almighty, He will lead you to content in your daily life and He promise you Happiness in Paradise, where God can re-create the like of her for you if you are devoted to God. God is Merciful, please have faith in Him.<br />
There is no god worthy of worship but God, and Muhammad is the Messenger of God.