It Keeps Getting Worse

About a month before I turned 18, I met a girl at my school. I had seen her around before, and found her somewhat attractive, but now, for the first time, I talked to her. I was shocked. From the first conversation we had together, I knew she was special -- if only to me. I felt that she was the first person I had ever met about whom I thoroughly liked EVERYTHING, and within days I found myself often looking forward with great anticipation to every chance I could get to spend even a few minutes around her.  About two weeks after meeting her, I was considering asking her out, when all of a sudden, from a great distance, I saw her enthusiastically hugging the boyfriend that I didn't know she had. I felt a horrible vacuum-like sensation from the back of my chest up through my throat, and it wouldn't go away. From that moment on, I knew she meant much more to me than just another girl to whom I was attracted. That afternoon, I lay in bed for several hours, essentially arguing with myself. Could I really be in love with a girl I barely know? In time it became clear: I was in fact madly, deeply and truely in love with this girl, who viewed me as little more than a casual aquaintance. I wanted nothing more than to simply hug and squeeze her, talk to her for hours on end, and devote as much energy as possible to making her happy. It was not long before I realized that, to me, she was the most beautiful human female I had ever seen. I also realized that I know longer found even a single other girl even remotely attractive. It was clear to me that I would either find a way to win this girl's love, or I would be extremely unhappy for a long, long time. The latter would prove true. 

As I had only known her for a short period of time, and our senior year of high school was only half over, I figured I should bide my time and form a close, long-lasting friendship with her. At first I tried with all my might to find bad things about her and stop loving her, but nothing I did worked, and I just loved her more and more all the time. I loved every second I spent with her, and if I couldn't have her love, I still wanted to be with her, as I liked her on all levels, including both romantically and as a friend.  Little did I know how difficult it would be, over time, to maintain a normal friendship with someone who I loved so deeply. The more time I spent around her, as well as her friends, the more it became clear to her -- and her friends -- that I had a "thing" for her. This depressed me a lot, as my love for her was pure and deep, but she viewed me as a random guy with a stupid crush on her. I became increasingly more depressed, and this led to strange behavior towards the object of my unrequited love. I treated her as if she was better than other people simply because I could not help it, as I truly considered her to be better than other people. I tried so hard to let her know how special she was to me, without risking the rejection and humiliation of admitting I was in love with her. Based on what she said, It seems I made her uncomfortable by doing what she perceived as "applying high standards" to her. I was never able to tell her that I was not applying what I thought about her to her actual behavior, but rather, her actual behavior and personality fit perfectly my preexisting perceptions for someone I like. It didn't work in the long term, and by the time she moved away for college, she didn't want anything to do with me. I was sure that her perception of my feelings towards her were flawed, and I wished for the chance to explain my position, but she wouldn't let me contact her. Finally, I hinted at how much her friendship would mean to me given "various" emotional issues I had been having, and she allowed me to resume communication with her. We talked about various things for a couple of months, and I loved it. She really was the most understanding, caring and nice person I'd ever met. Based on what I said, she MUST have been aware that I thought VERY highly of her, and I made it very clear that I considered the very fact that I knew such a wonderful person to be an honor. Eventually, I was beginning to gradually open up to her about my feelings, when suddenly, she said "You're issues have everything to do with you and nothing to do with me. It would be best if we don't talk again." Needless to say I was crushed. I felt like I wanted to die, for the second time in the past year, but I would never actually kill myself, as she would then go on with her life remembering me as nothing more than "that creepy guy who killed himself." Ever since then, I have been thinking and thinking, trying to decide what I will say the next time I talk to her. Nothing I can think of seems like it would successfully "re-break" the now incredibly thick and chunky ice between us, and I must at the very least find some closure to this situation, if not form another quasi-friendship with her, which would again bring me closer to her, which is all I ever wanted to begin with.

I now know that I must, at some point, admit to her my real, true feelings, with a long explanation such as what is written above. I will tell her that I'm not asking anything of her except to understand what I'm saying, and respect that I can't help feeling this way. I don't have the slightest idea how she'll react, but I just hope she'll understand and let me give her a bit of affection, even if we can't be normal friends, and even if there's no chance I'll get any affection in return. No person I've ever met has ever had the effect on me that she has. I truly believe that she is the nicest and most beautiful girl on Earth, and I would gladly give anything to be with her and to make her happy. I know that the odds of my ever gaining her love are incredibly slim, but I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't keep trying. I just have to find a way in which to go about it that won't make it so she hates me, or would never even give me another chance. She means EVERYTHING to me, and I mean next to nothing to her, and every single day for the past year-and-a-half this fact has grated on my soul relentlessly, and tainted everything in life that would otherwise make me happy. From the moment it started, my unrequited love for this girl has been a huge part of my life, causing me incredible amounts of depression, frustration, and flat-out sadness, and I don't forsee my love fading in the future.

Bustoff Bustoff
18-21, M
12 Responses Apr 29, 2007

I thought i was the only one to go through a situation like this. I didn't think it was possible to feel such strong feelings for another human being and i thought there was something wrong with me. But i now understand that it is true, and the only thing that makes us human is love. I know exactly how you feel and i completely understand everything that you have been through. I'm also in love with someone who doesnt see me as any more than a friend. He doesn't know how much i love him and i am scared to tell him because i have in the past told him i liked him and he avoided me, since then we're alright, he talks to me but he doesn't know i still love him. I want him to know but i know he doesn't feel the same and i want him in my life whether we're just friends or more. I know i will never get over him, because other men are just no comparison to him, and never will be. Hang in there, Peace x

I thought i was the only one to go through a situation like this. I didn't think it was possible to feel such strong feelings for another human being and i thought there was something wrong with me. But i now understand that it is true, and the only thing that makes us human is love. I know exactly how you feel and i completely understand everything that you have been through. I'm also in love with someone who doesnt see me as any more than a friend. He doesn't know how much i love him and i am scared to tell him because i have in the past told him i liked him and he avoided me, since then we're alright, he talks to me but he doesn't know i still love him. I want him to know but i know he doesn't feel the same and i want him in my life whether we're just friends or more. I know i will never get over him, because other men are just no comparison to him, and never will be. Hang in there, Peace x

wow, your story is very well writen<br />
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reading the first sentence i thought, 18, just a kid, what does teenagers know about love, high school crushes are nothing <br />
<br />
but then it just keeps getting deeper<br />
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it was very curagious to become friends with someone you love<br />
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and to keep loving regardless of what you get in return<br />
<br />
i wish i had that curage

almost the same thing right here dude, except i knew a girl for like 5 months and she liked me too, but nothing ever happened. i took a trip to europe, which shouldve the greatest thing ever to do, but i found out she found somone else while i was gone. things pretty much deteriorate after that, no matter how hard you try. but hey, things really might better eventually in some way

You are a young version of me. Please read my stories to get a better understanding of what I mean. Everything that you've said, I've experienced and am still experiencing. You think, feel and breathe this individual you love so much.I can't let go either and don't know what to do. God bless you, my friend.

I'm a girl that was in that sitution, kinda. I got the guy though, my soulmate angel- I called him. We had a baby together. And six years after he abandoned me and my son I am still crying over what should have been. And I have since married a wonderful man. Why, let me tell you why I still cry ... my son's father wasn't real. He was a person, but the one I fell in love with never really existed. Count your blessings, she may have been a bullet to the heart.

Is part of the pain somehow enjoyable? If not, then my advice is to find any little thing that you don't like - even if it is just a horrid cardigan she once wore or a big spot she once had on her face and try to make that your mental symbol of her. Try to dwell on her faults and think of silly or unpleasant things she has said. This, I have found, is the best way out - although it doesn't always work as I am an unrequited love addict too!

you sound so sweet and she would be lucky to have someone truly care so much about her.. i was with my bf for 2 and half years, we had lived 2gether the whole time and then the nxt minute hes packing his things and wanting out awhile... was so hard, i didnt even c it coming, as much as i told him i wanted things to change to and ow much i loved and mised him it didnt matter, he couldnt care less he just wanted to do what he wanted.. i had to try cut him out of my thoughts even tho it was the hardest thing, he came crawling back haha after ignoring him 4 ages but i relised that i want sumone that loves me just as much and reali truli wants me.. u deserve that 2 :)

I know exactly how you feel. It's best to press on. It'll work itself out. I'm in a similar situation, and I find it best to move on, even though it is crushingly hard. Best of luck to you, man.

Damn, I am experiencing EXACTLY what you're going through. Just try to hang in there mate. There is only one thing to do, even though it is hard! Try to persuade yourself that she's not the only one. Look at other cute girls and think (for yourself) how wonderful they might be/look etc. You will probably soon get small crushes on some random girls (although I have to admit that the feelings are not even a hundredth of the feeling you have for the "only one"), but at least this will lighten your mood for the time being

Man, I am in a very similar situation. I love a woman and she doesn't give a damn about me. I know I should get over her but I can't. We are not the first and not will be the last but that doesn't make it less painful

Though its hard, our lives has to go on... its better to forgive and forget.<br />
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I know, no one in this world will understand ever your love for her.. buts its a fact, that GOD has his own way of showing a boyfriend/husband for her... whom we may not approve off... but thats the way life is...<br />
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may you have a blessed and happy life ahead