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I Loved Him Long Hard And True & In The End He Walked Away With You !

My story is much to long & pitiful to pry out of my wounds just yet .
What I can and will share is that I was in deep love and infatuation with a guy for 26 years !
He was the most beautiful LIAR I'd ever laid my eyes on .
He lied , I forgave !
He constantly cheated , I eagerly forgave !
He was the father , mother , mentor & brother oh and greatest lover I'd ever never had .
He left me ! I should be thankful that it's over but the biggest part of me is not !
I feel wounded . Not by what I allowed him to do , but mainly for the reasons why I allowed it ! I come across as an assertive , strong , fearless confident person ! But I'm not .....
I get asked out a lot. I have random strangers quiet often greet me with the warmest compliments . And the best yet is people constantly tell me how BEAUTIFUL I am ! I don't feel beauty I feel shame ! I had a terrible childhood filled with molestation, abandonment, and lots of violence and abuse .
At the age of 37 I'm just now associating my upbringing with my sense of worthlessness ! ( crazy ) yes I know !
I want to be happy ! I'm kind to people I'm a excellent provider to my children.
And on the inside I am miserable , sad & I long for companionship ! If you knew me you would never believe any of this was even true ! My children are my greatest inspiration ! I've never known , felt or experienced love of any kind until I had my oldest son ! I've been a super mom for the last 19 years and counting just trying to raise healthy successful children , so that I can retreat to & surcome to my own life of misery ! Never had a drink in my life , never done a drug in my life , I'm just the ultimate multi tasker who may be headed for an early mealy down !
qamarjraheem qamarjraheem 31-35, F Aug 11, 2012

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