Bad First Crush

I am writing this because I am 39 years old and this happened when I was eighteen and it still haunts me. I am hoping that by telling the story and sharing it, it will lose some of its power over me.

I was an obese child and suffered endless teasing because of my size. I spent most of my time at school trying to be invisible. Because if you are not seen you are not teased and thus not hurt. It is great to be invisible in high school unless you have the perfectly normal impulses a teenage boy has.

I had a class with a girl who I had had a crush on for the last two years. I was a senior and school was winding to a close. It was too dangerous for me to expose myself to the rejection that was sure to come so I devised a strategy to see if this girl liked me as well. I started writing poetry and slipping the notes into her locker. She seemed to really like this as she had a secret admirer. She would come to class and share the notes with her friends, right there in front of everybody and me. That should have been the red flag I needed but I was so in love with this girl that I never saw it.

The last day of school came around and I put on a shirt and tie and dressed up because I was finally going to reveal myself to her. When the kids in class asked why I was dressed up I told them I had a job interview. I even had flowers for her. After school was over I hung out by her locker with the flowers and waited.

She eventually came to her locker with all her friends in tow to see who had been writing her these poems. They came around the corner and there was shock and surprise on all their faces. To her credit she stopped at the end of the hall and talked with her friends and sent them off in a giggling pack.

I cannot remember what we spoke about only that it was the scariest thing I had ever tried to do. She agreed to let me drive her home and we talked about the poems and what they meant. As I recall this she was pretty amazing for a teenage girl and letting me down easy, and getting in a car with this huge guy who may or may not have had real problems.

She eventually told me she did not see it working out but that she would like to be friends. I knew enough to know that was the kiss of death. She was the only girl I had let myself be interested in and talk too, remember I was eighteen.

In my tortured mind I was so hurt and upset that I would not pursue another girl until I was 23. I am married now and have kids, and still have not conquered this memory
Jeremen Jeremen
36-40, M
Sep 7, 2012