How Could I Be So Stupid?

Before writing my story, I must start by saying a few words about my personality; that will surely help to clarify the difficulties that I have to bear.
Ever since I was a child, I have always been very introverted and unsociable; my alleged timidity, however, came from a mentally closed and restrictive social environment. I grew up in a small village of Tuscany, devoid of motivation and opportunities, and I was really not so attracted by school friends or coetaneous people; they often used to isolate and denigrate my person precisely because my interests went beyond their common passions. I always denied to myself and to my family the psychological trauma that this situation has left on me: completely alone, without friends, surrounded by people who do not even tried to understand me, I learnt to hide my emotions behind the apathy, leaving in my hearth all the sorrow that I felt, leaving me to slowly suffocate from the void that I was creating.

This lasted until I started university; the city, and the variety of people you meet changed me and my hopes. I was living in hell before. I seriously hoped to finally redeem the burnt years, with a full and smiling new life, as I have always dreamt of.
During the courses, I met a girl; Claudia is her name. I fell in love with her almost immediately, probably the first time we talked. Nothing made me happier than talking to her, laughing and joking. She often asked me to massage her back during the lessons; she actually adored to bother me holding my wrist while writing, as I adored to gently tickle her hips. Every day, her green eyes gave me the chills on the back, always like the first time. Also now, while I'm writing these words, I can feel that shake in stomach. I never had a female friend in the past: I got drunk with her sweetness, her kind words, her naturalness and truthfulness, so different from any girl I had known in the past. So different from me, too.
When I first met her in 2010, Claudia was engaged to a boy who attended our same courses. I felt for her things that I had never tried it before, but I never had the courage to expose myself. I spent months and months torturing myself on how I could tell her everything. Also his attitude, so gentle, open and sweet, confused me, fed my hope; but I alwasy remanined just watching. One day she even came to ask me to go out with her, although not explicitly. I cannot explain what my stupid brain was doing in that morning, but I refused; I'll never forgive this error to me. In my arrogance, in my stupid pride, I could not see behind her smiles, I didn't want to believe, even for a moment, she could actually care about me. As a perfect coward incapable, I preferred to bask in my dreams and in my sorrows, without any concrete action.
Months go by. We are always on good terms, but I feel that she is cooling down. At the same time, she turns away from her boyfriend. I cannot understand what happens. Then one day, while I'm studying, I saw her hugging another boy, named Leo, and kissing him. At that time, I did one of the greatest efforts of my life to keep from crying. That was the first in a series of destructive blows. We studied together for most of the summer 2011, feeling despair grow inside me every time I saw her. When, after the last exam in July 2011, we separated for the holidays, I thought I wouldn't make it. The awareness, now late, of having not done enough - actually, having done nothing - was hurting me. Enough to let her know how I felt about her.

The story is not over yet, we are only at the beginning. In October 2011, when I started new courses, I was sad to note that nothing was as before. She hardly spoke to me, not joking anymore, did not play as before. She was kind, yes, but also cold. At some point, I do not know when, she began to be discontinuous, then she disappeared from lessons. I felt very bad for this, since I always cared about her career, and I wanted her brilliantly surpassed all the tests, as the previous year. I spent my mornings outside the room, before class, waiting her in vain until the last second. I whatched for her all time, but she only greeted me quicky, with not many words. I noticed that she spent a lot of time with her boyfriend and his friends.
Months have been terrifying, full of darkness and pain. I lost my appetite, the will to do anything, I started to overlook even the few friends I had left. I did not care about anything, anyone; I just wanted her to talk me, that we were friends again. At night, the few times I slept, I dreamt of her eyes, her voice, her smile, and I woke up crying. I cried almost every day for weeks, and no one ever knew why I was so sad. After all, who would know? I attended nobody.

I tried to get used to this situation, but I was well aware that I would not have solved anything only ignoring the facts. Despite this, I managed to maintain some control. Around April 2012 I thought I saw one ray of light: Claudia had left Leo. This has driven a lot of my feelings, remembering again all my mistakes. I went back again to haunt me for what I had not done, my thoughts constantly turned painfully to that beautiful times, when it would be just one word more to change the course of events. I didn't endure anymore. One morning I took her aside and I said what I felt to tell her. I wanted to say everything I felt for her, the emotion that causes me just to see her, and how I think about her every day. Instead, in the obtuse conviction that it was too late, I could only say that I was in love with her and that I was very sorry not to have said that a year ago.
Obviously everything has failed. I do not even remember his words, I only remember the tears rosing, without going out beyond the mask of apathy. Not even at that time I was able to open up completely. I had another hellish period, I could not believe, I could not forget. I meditated suicide, at least until I realized that I never had the courage to kill me; I was too stupid and ridiculous to do that. I was already imagining a summer nightmare, conducted under the shadow of remorse and loneliness.

The miracle that has allowed me to not go crazy, it happened. I decided to put all my sorrow in front of her eyes, on that day, May 16, 2012, shortly before the written examination of Dynamical Systems; but while I was immersed as always in my darkest thoughts, I felt a touch in my sides. It was her. Smiling beautiful as the sun. And he was looking for me. We went out a few minutes, smoking a cigarette together, talking quietly about what I had done the past few days and what I thought of this exam. No mention of the period in which she completely ignored me. I was so drunken, intoxicated by her person, that I wronged again. I acted exactly as if nothing had happened, I didn't ask her because of that period. Surely, also if I wronged, this “miracle” allowed me to survive.
Things have gone forward, we began to study together. I thought I still have a hope, when one afternoon in June I see her with a boy. Everything collapsed on me again, I experienced the same feeling of the past year. I took courage saying to myself "this too will go away like the others, sooner or later". But only a man without dignity may have similar thoughts.
This time, however, she didn't abandon me. We have continued to study together, and we do it to this day. I feel like the happiest man in the world when we're just us, even if there is no that intimacy and that complicity we experienced so long ago.

What is the final conclusion? It may seem that the story has a happy ending, but it is not. Not a day goes by, that I don't remember one of the many days spent together, those days when I was at war with myself to reveal her my feelings. I lost that war, and with it I also lost myself. I am reduced to a walking shadow, I have no thoughts, emotions, interests beyond her. One evening I told everything to my mother, but she did not understand anything, downplayed my sufferings, did not realize what I'm going through.
I feel lonely, sad, empty. I hate those moments when my brain is relaxed because they let my torments, my remorse. Once I had so many plans and ambitions for the future, and now I do not care about anything anymore. I live in fear that all the evil that I have spent will happen again. I hate myself, my stupid insecurities, the indecision, and the habit of putting things that ruined my life. I hate myself because with the caution that I have always had, I ashed my soul.
But most of all I miss her. In those days when we do not meet, I feel the accumulated sadness spilling over me. I want to hug her, kiss her, caress her beautiful hair. I'd love to show them how much I care for her, how I love her. I'd like to be able to disclose my hearth to her, showing all my feelings. I wish I could say that I think about her all the time, every minute of the day.
I cannot, instead. I didn't learn anything from my mistakes. I hate myself for that, too.

Thank you for the opportunity you gave me to tell my story. Sorry for English, not quite correct (I'm Italian), and especially sorry if I bored any of you.
Viserys91 Viserys91
26-30, M
Sep 10, 2012