The Reason Why

I think I finally figured it out, or at least began to.

You see, I've always been the girl to be with a guy for a long time but always have others in the back of my mind. It's who I am. The boy crazy girl with the boy she really likes, or loves.

& It's hard because I don't know what I want. I almost wish I wanted the wrong thing, wanted the hard thing, because at least that way I would know what I was doing.

But so far tonight what I figured out is that in every boy I'm crazy about, it's because he has a quality that the guy in my head has. There is this imaginary guy, that has all these traits that I love, and a lot of times, I don't even know that I love these traits until I see it in another boy. And also, every time, it is a trait that I'm lacking, and that I find in him.

After tonight, this is what I know. I love a boy who can sing, who can make music, who can serenade me. I am captivated by live music, especially live acoustic music. I find so much in the words, in the music, it take same to a place the real world can't, a place to where my dreams can't even reach.

I love a boy who goes to church. Lately, I've been questioning what I believe in God, I know it's wrong, I know I believe in him, but I'm not sure what I believe. And i just want that spiritual boy to be my fall back, to remind me, to support me.

I love a boy who is strong, who is a man. I love him because he's confident in himself and knows what to say and how to move. I love that he knows how hot he is, and yet doesn't always act like it.

I love a boy who smells good.

I love a boy who gently flirts.

...but also, I love a boy who's sweet. Who will listen to my complaints, who will love me no matter what I've done. And for some reason, I believe that those traits are harder to find. And these are the traits I find in Anthony. You see, I've tried to make him become the guy in my head. He's sang to me, but it wasn't his own words, he works out, but he lacks the confidence, he goes to church, but doesn't have faith. And so it makes it hard for me, and it leaves my brain... my heart, wondering.
PathofTruth PathofTruth
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 21, 2012

Don't try to make him into something he isn't.Your story reminds me of how I used to be. Always had a long term boyfriend, but always had crushes on many boys. Always wishing there would be the one out there, the guy of your dreams. I can tell you that one of my biggest regrets was staying in relationships longer than I should have. Its nice to have that comfort & protection, knowing that your boy will always be there. But you are still so young. Live it up, meet new people, see whats out there. When I met my husband, there were crazy sparks between us. He was not the picture perfect guy in my head, but he did make me feel special & loved. He gave me confidence and always put a smile on my face. It's not likely you will find the perfect guy to that fits into the image in your head. But if you listen deep down inside, you will know when things are not meant to be. Keep an open mind because you never know who you will find.