Now I Long For Yesterday...

Perhaps this is too recent to write about. Perhaps not. I've only really ever loved one person in my life, and I still love her despite what's happened.

I’ve been in love with a girl, who I’ve known for almost a year. She's two years older than me. I’m not sure exactly when I fell in love with her, but I know that I was first fully aware of my love on Halloween of last year. I spent the next few weeks debating whether or not I should tell her, and if I do, how. I eventually decided to tell her. She told me she did not have any feelings for me. Obviously, it was rather crushing.

A few days later, I ended up going out with someone I didn’t really have any feelings for. I don’t know why I did, but I suspect it was simply to make me feel better about myself. But it didn’t make me feel better. It simply made things worse and gave me many regrets. After three weeks, I realized that I was still in love the same girl I was before. Then, for the next month, I wondered about what I was to do. Before I could decide, the person I was with broke up with me for someone else.

I began to hang out with the girl again. Shortly afterwards, she told me she was a lesbian. That too was rather depressing, although I can understand why she told me soon, because she didn’t think I was still in love with her. I kept quiet for two weeks until I told her I was still in love with her. She said she was sorry and offered to find someone else for me that looked like her. Of course, I said no, because there was so much more to it than looks. The following Monday, she ended up saying she figured out she is not, in fact, a lesbian. Afterwards, though, she came up to me and told me that she does not and will never have feelings for me. Then the next day, she sent me an email to nail the point in further, as she did not think that I understood, and she wanted me to stop staring at her a lot and standing close to her. The last parts confused me, as I hadn’t realized that I was doing those. That was a week before Valentine’s Day.

On a side note, it was only recently I found out that she had not, in fact, ever believed herself to be a lesbian, but had just come up with it to discourage me, and she dropped it when I told her that I still loved her.

The next month or so seemed like a dream in which I was there, but it was like I was just watching. I barely saw the girl. A period of paranoia came and peaked during the time I was involved in the school musical. It wasn’t until a few days after the last performance that I realized that I was becoming extremely paranoid. After that, the paranoia went down.

A week later, I began to see the girl more often again. I told her I couldn’t really stand to be away, and I wanted to be her friend again. That was the end of March. The next month or so was fine. Quite fine. I was happy that I could be her friend again.

About two weeks ago, I realized that, after this year, I may never see the girl again, since she, being a senior, would be going to college. That, I think, was the start of the end of it. Last week, I think I was beginning to go off the deep end. You know. Mumbling random things, which I would then laugh at for some strange reason. Last Friday, the fourth, I was really gone. I was crazy mad, bat **** insane, and, for some reason I do not really know, I sent a rather incoherent email to the girl. I’m not sure when she read it, but I suspect it was Monday night (the seventh). But after Friday, I pretty much forgot about the email, and my sanity seemed to return. Tuesday, nothing really seemed wrong. Last period, I got called to the health office. I didn’t really know what it was about. I finished the test I was taking and went. When I got there, I was led into the dean’s office. A police officer was there. It was then I realized that something was going to go horribly wrong.

During the following talk, I found that I was scaring the girl, and if I continued, I could be charged with stalking, which is a felony. A restraining order would follow.

Now, I'm in one of the worst pitfalls that could possibly happen. The girl I love is afraid of me and never wants to see me again. And, sadly, I know that my love for her is eternal.
alienjh alienjh
18-21, M
1 Response May 13, 2007

That kind of love is really hard to get over, especially if she's really been the one that you have loved and cared for in a really long time,., I think that love played an unacceptable gamble on you,., It's really difficult to get through without you being hurt a lot of times,., Try to channel your attention to other things,., Try to keep yourself busy and maybe with that you can forget her,., There are a lot of girls out there and I'm pretty sure you'll find THAT girl who's really meant for you,.,