I'm Never Going To Be Normal....without Her..

Ever since the 7 th grade (I'm 26 now)(it gets alot worse..) I was in love with only one girl. I didn't know it at the time, but I did know there was something about her I could never figure it out, and I still haven't. She used to say I was her best friend and she loved me, I asked her out when we were young and I have always told her I how I felt. An yet she still continues to ask me why we can't be friends. We used to be together all the time, it seemed like we were dating, even when we fought we sounded like a married couple. All her friends my friends don't get why she never wanted to be with me. An now they don't get why I want to be with her still to this day.....

I'll start from the beginning, in the 7th grade she was the type of girl when we were younger that liked any guy, but me. If a new guy came into her life she would think about going out with him. She would date a guy then drop him a week later. So we would hang out pretty much all the time unless she had a new boyfriend. My choice, it kills me to see her with someone else, and it always will. It actually feels like a pain in my chest when I still see her with her boyfriend around town to this day. I can't breathe and my hands go numb and it feels like I'm ready to die. That at that moment if someone would shoot me I would be ok with it. Anyway back to the story, we were always close friends but never anything more than that. As we started high school, we were still really close, I was a welcome person in her household all the time. She finally got a serious boyfriend in the 11th grade, who after high school she was engaged to. We never talked really after high school, she had her life and I was trying to find mine. I found a girl that I thought could replace her, lost my virginity to her and everything but felt nothing. Every time she would have a argument she would some how end up with me. Even for a few months she was with me more than her boyfriend/fiance. Then all of sudden it stopped and we didn't talk for 2 years. She would still send me texts, saying merry christmas, happy new years at 12..etc. (it never made sense and I usually never answered) One day I ended up at her house, where her and her boyfriend lived, and 2 weeks later she broke up with him. An I was the one that was on the phone when their last argument was going on asking me to come get her. So I did....for weeks I did everything her ex did. She didn't drive so I was taking her to work everyday, hanging out with her when we were off work. I took care of her, anything she needed I made sure she had it. I thought finally she is realizing how much I love her....

WRONG! She finds a new guy, a complete loser. Yet she would still pick me over him. One time this guy showed up at her house, and we had plans she went with me and left him there. This guy couldn't drive so he was stuck there for hours. I didn't understand it....all through the years I tried to stop talking to her, I always wanted her memory to go away. I tried using drugs to stop the pain and hurt, an I still do an it never stops...I hate this feeling. She ends up breaking up with that guy and going with a guy that I completely hated in high school and middle school. I couldn't believe it, we were both on the same cell phone plan, and christmas rolled around and she just stop paying and screwed me over. That I thought was the last straw....I would never do that to her. She tells me she was forced to by her boyfriend which I understood. (in a way). So after that we don't talk for about a year in a half, yet I still thought about her everyday, not always in a good way I hated her for the longest time. This guy and her were off an on after that. An guess who she would be with when that happened, me!? I love her so much, I can't help but to want to be with her. I sometimes feel like she is using me, but she insists I do it to myself by offering to pay for things, help her with anything, and pretty much take care of her. I would always pull the "i'm done talking to you " card when I was hurt, when we would go out and she would be flirting with some guy or watching a movie and she is texting someone else the whole time. It made me feel like she wishes it wasn't me beside her. Every time I did the whole not talking thing it would last for only a little while, until I caved in because she would always text me and say I miss you, and I missed her...

I have tried to give you a background story best I can, so many thoughts are flooding to my head right now and I can't even type this fast, but we will skip til the past 2 years.

She ended up going back with the guy she used to date, that I hated. She was still sleeping with him even though he had a girlfriend. When we were talking and hanging out (didn't know this at first til she told me during a fight we were having) She was never happy anymore with me, I always seemed to annoy her, she wasn't happy to be around me. So when she finally went back with him, we didn't speak for 2 years. I was heart broken, you think I would be immunized to this type of stuff but I wasn't. I always thought there was a connection between us. Everyone sees it but she will never give in. I swear she loves me but doesn't know it. This last time we hung out didn't feel like it anymore. Now the past 2 months she is texting me, seeing how I am saying how much we miss each other. I enjoy talking to her, I can't stop, sometimes I'll try not to text back but I can't help it.

She knows how much I love her and she knows I will always love her, an she says she loves me to. She lives with her boyfriend in a house, he has a nice car, and a good job. Completely opposite of what I got going for myself...I'm never motivated, i'm always depressed and sad. I hide it well, somedays... I feel like with out her my life has no meaning. She keeps asking why we can't be friends and I tell her I can't stand seeing you with someone else. I can't be normal I say. I can't just be friends with someone I love, its so hard, to hard...

What I ask of everyone on here, is please try to understand this story...I know its long and jumps alot and i'm sorry. (13 years of history) I needed to get this out somehow and this is my way. Now I have a few questions for everyone...if she loves me like she says she does, why does she continue to hurt me? I don't get why when we aren't with each other she thinks of me all the time and misses me (she tells me this). I even told her we would have never been friends if I didn't love her, I would of moved on went with other women ( I had many chances but never did, because I knew I would never love them like I love her). Why would she be with me over her boyfriends at times? I have other friends that are girls and none of them have ever done this.

I can't take always thinking about her, wanting to hold her, come home from work to her, sleep beside her, laugh together, and be happy. I feel like I have nothing to wake up for, I never look forward to anything anymore. (I work every weekend for the past 3 years, have a start up web design company, and i'm a manager at a little restaurant I work at) I'm a workaholic, trying to take my mind off her. My schedule just got switched to a night shift were business is slow. I have to much time to think, and I can't stop thinking about her, I almost break into tears while i'm at work. Wanting to scream at god for doing this to me, why can't I have her? why would you make me love her unconditionally? Why can't I be happy? and also wondering about what I could've done, or should've done. I know she is happy with how her life is, and I will never do anything to ruin that. I just don't know how get her off my mind and i'm starting to finally break. I come to realize she is happy and will never be with me...so what do I do? I try finding other women but never meet anyone really. I'm really shy around people I don't know, an I say some stupid things when i'm nervous. I just want to be normal, I want to be able to just be friends with her, but I don't think its possible. I want to be happy but I never have been completely at least. One of the hardest days is the 4th of July, I used to go with her and her family to go see fireworks, now I go with friends and watch them by myself it feels like as they all have significant others in their lives. I sit there and watch and think how she is sitting there with someone else watching them, and wonder if she ever thinks of me. I've been the only person that has stood by her side, she doesn't have any long time good friends or anything. Except me, but I never wanted to be friends, I always wanted to be more, so I never looked at it as we were friends, an she did. Has anyone else been in love with someone for 13 years, that you were just friends with? I think I'm crazy or something..I'm sure as hell not normal that I know. To me she is the most beautiful girl in this world, she is the only person who has ever made me happy..I feel like I'm never going to get through this an I'm cursed...help?
gzig gzig
22-25, M
2 Responses Nov 8, 2012

I enjoyed reading your story but unfortunately I understand her kind. I understand her because she is just as I used to be -- indecisive, careless and young. Of the three I believe "young" to be the most precise. And when we are young we don't take life as serious as we should. When I think of youth I think of self development -- we don't really know who we are when we are young. We've barely gone through enough experiences nor met enough people to come to a strict consensus on who we want to be or who we want to be with. Although you love her very much -- I want you to understand that timing is a very important variable in the scenario. Timing worked against your favor and that is okay. This allows endless opportunities for you to achieve self fulfillment. Find yourself. I believe you are lost -- lost in your ex. It's been some years now and you are still thinking about her? She is not as godly as you think she is. If she were she'd be with you and she is not. She's moved on and is happy. If you truly loved her -- you wouldn't like the fact that she was with someone else but you'd be happy for her! In life you will learn you don't always get what you want but what you need. You don't need her. I find it smart that you've decided to work to get your mind off of her but ultimately if you aren't occupying yourself with something you are even remotely passionate about it will be quite difficult to reach self fulfillment which in terms allows you to feel empty. Build yourself back up again -- you are strong and you are great! Don't ever let another woman eat away at your pride again like she has for this long ever again! Get off of the computer and go run, go do something great, write poetry, play video games hell if you want to scream to the top of your lungs in a empty area!! Let all of this out because where you are going right now is not a good path. You are destroying yourself both mentally and physically and portraying vulnerability. Women can sense vulnerability and as any human she will feed off of your feebleness. You think you are hurt now? Continue being vulnerable and another woman will do the same exact thing she has. Dont allow that to happen. We are rooting for you! We want you to be happy and we support you! Be strong for us okay?!? "LIVING IS SO BIG!"

You sir, I understand your words and thoughts completely, you two simply put are not ment to be. It hurts to hear I know. But you are not willing to let to wich makes you suffer, you blame her and a lot of the time she is wrong but you let her use you, you let yourself fall deeper and deeper in with her. You let her define you and THAT alone is a HUGE reason why she won't date you. You grovel and beg. You obsess. Over this one girl and act as if she's the only one you can love when she's not. If you tell yourself you'll never move on from her you won't, you are going to rob yourself of your life. You're not even liveing and that's bullshit. Shes one ******* girl. Only one read my stories read my confessions I am the Same as you but I'm choosing to let myself leave like she so easily leaves me. Your liveing for her and not yourself you're missing oppertunities to be happy, you were not born to live such a meaningless life. You lived without her for 13 years don't let the 13 years of knowing her get in the way of the rest of your life, ask her why she doesnt want you, don't ask her if she loves you and when she tell you take it to heart and move on, this is something that when you finally open your eyes you WILL regret. If anything you should know what you don't want in a girl and that can help you to find what you do. Fix your life. Inspire yourself. Take responsibility for your actions and don't question hers question why YOU put up with it for so long, you will continue to be this why if you play victim. There are better girls bro, far better in every way you just have to want to find them. Remember even she was just a girl once you may always love her but she can be just a girl again she'll be 'just a girl I loved' that's all she is. Your 26 don't let her have so much power over you. Youre a grown man. Man up. Hell PERSON up! You can get over her. But first you have to want to.