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I Ended A Love With A Woman Suffering With Bipolar Disorder

I held on to her so long, long after i knew it was hpoeless. She has brought her career to an end. Wrecked her life. Kept pleading with me to "save me", calling me her "hero" at the same time she pushed me away emotionally. Tonight she came over and i made us dinner. Then we discussed what remains of our relationship. That is when she said something so horrible, so offensive that i couldn't believe it. She equated making love to her being a *****, that she didn't want to have sex because that was how she felt. I told her that we really did not understand each other. Stated that the last 2 years were not about sex. Supporting her was not a payment, that it all came from love. None of this was ever heard. She wants me to keep helping her. How can she do that? What kind of man does she , did she think i was? We were nurses working together. She sole drugs and wrecked her career. She keeps doing risky behaviors. She has no income outside of alimony and her ex is going to have it stops or get her arrested for not making her child support payments! I now believe she must have borderline personality disorder masked with her bipolar symtoms. She actually said she was going to kill herself again!
I told her that was no way to manipulate me. That it would be on her head. I will speak with her Doc tomorrow, make him aware. That is all i can do! I promised to make her car payment for a couple of months to give her a chance to do something before it is to late. I will not have contact with her. Just drop a check off and go. To think we were to go to Busch Gardens together next week. She probably thinks she can pull me back in, not now, not ever again
therealfokker therealfokker 51-55, M 19 Responses Nov 14, 2012

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Wow you wrote this back in November? I am so useless about correspondence. I had a close encounter again myself with suicide and have been in zombie mode for quite some time so I sincerely apologize. Well that’s enough about my crap let me see if I can help you shed some light on your situation. First of all has any of this been resolved by this point or improved
Here goes, I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which is constantly misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar but either way there are similarities. I read this and can relate SO much to the way her life has derailed, her thought process, & irrational behavior. You said you held on for so long even though you knew it was hopeless. I can’t speak for her but she sounds like me so take from this what you can. When we get into relationships we have the best intentions & when we love we love so hard that it hurts. When a relationship for “normal” people gets to that “comfort level” that’s normally when you can relax “exhale if you will. Unfortunately when you suffer from this illness your mind puts an opposite spin on it. You feel like the person is being distant, not as interested in you etc. etc. Mentally we are losing you & that was our fear from the moment we began to care about you. So what do we do??? Drastic calls call for drastic measures. We push you away (wanting you to beg us back so we feel that desire that was there before). If we feel you may really go we pull you back in & plead. It’s a constant push pull just to hold that feeling of not so much control but reassurance that we aren’t losing you. Is it fair? Hell no. Can we help it?  Not even a little bit. The harder we try to hold back these feelings, that we know are irrational on some level, it eats away at us from the inside out. It will ALWAYS come out at some point.
You said she begged you to “save her”. I read once that borderlines are like drowning victims begging to be saved and once you get them on board, dry them off and calm them down they jump right back into the water drowning again & once again beg to be saved. We are almost uncomfortable unless there is some sort of stress in our life. The details of you discussing the relationship & the whole feeling used for sex etc. it’s just tactics. It’s NOT intentionally a manipulation technique. We are desperate & try to make you feel guilty so you won’t go. As far as the support thing, I have ALWAYS been an independent woman. ALWAYS took care of me, refused to let anyone else until I lost control, my job, house, filed bankruptcy & now for the first time I live with a guy friend who loves taking care of me. As much as I truly appreciate it, I have found myself resenting him because I don’t want him to support me. I want to do it. You feel like a loser & that it puts your partner in a dominate position which again terrifies us. We can’t breathe without the upper hand.
Risky behaviors & substance abuse are huge symptoms of the disease. We are self-medicating & the risky behaviors make us feel alive because most of the time we feel dead inside. As far as assisting her with car payments or anything….I hate even admitting this but enabling us in any way will prolong us pushing forward with our lives.
You were going to go to Busch Green Gardens? (Myrtle Beach?) Are you in SC?? I live in Columbia, used to work at Myrtle Beach. Sorry just interesting side note.
Anyway, as much as I feel her pain I will advise you to end it because it may get better for a minute but it will always remain the same. We are so uncomfortable in our own skin, it is a HARD life & I want to die most of the time. You can’t save her. Only she can (but probably will be unable to) because we don’t know how to care about ourselves.
There is a lady named Tami Green who actually recovered from BPD (which is rare) but maybe check out some of her clips describing the disorder. It’s dead on & she has a website for people who suffer with BPD or people who love people who suffer. Maybe this can help to ease your hurt. Lastly, don’t try to figure us out or why we do this or that, we have NO clue so it would be an exhausting effort to try & make sense of it.
I hope this helps. Please write me back and give me your current status.
http://www.borderlinepersonalitysupport.com/index.html

First, thank you for your rely. You don't know how much that means to me. As to has anything been resolved? You won't be surprised...I am back further in than before. The behaviors repeat from her, my behavior...bailing her out repeated. I feel so much yet get so little from this. It's hard to talk about. I have never had such intense emotions about someone. I want to run away at one moment and yet want to be with her every moment in between. I feel crazy, lost. I know I want to love someone with this intensely, but I need to feel someone's love for me. It is just so overwhelming, her needs are never ending. We never really stopped talking...and that was because I couldn't. Then 6 weeks ago she pleaded for help. Asked me for money to help her get into school and help painting a house to get money for her daughter to visit. I did it. I asked her if we would only be just friends and that this was the last thing I would do for her. She is in school now. Her daughter visited last week. It wasn't even a week and she asked for more money, more help to pay a speeding ticket she got. I told her I can't help. I just don't have the money. She threatened to sell herself for money...That just got me so pissed! I told her that she was just trying to take advantage of my love for her. I think that she was only trying to see if I would save her again and then either hit on someone else or maybe she did sell her body to someone last night. She has not answered any of my texts this morning. I did something I shouldn't have last night. She said she was going to pour herself into study and declined to come over for dinner. I just knew it was a lie. I drove by Her house to see if she was really home studying...not. Then I drove by late last night...She slept with someone else last night. I have never acted this way, this sick jealousy. What I doing to myself? Why should I care if she is being a *****? I can't control her. I can't save her from herself. If she hates herself so much, what else can I do? I told her that if I had the money I would give it to her but I just don't have it. That I wasn't going anywhere....then I asked her how I can be her friend? It's up to her to answer...I haven't heard from her and I doubt now that I ever will hear anything that makes sense...maybe the pain of my accusations have drove her away, maybe? The last think she said when I called her out was that "you don't really know me!" That is true.

I hate to respond just to say I am sorry that I am just reading this message and will respond as soon as possible. I want to give you a true emotional response and not some dribble because I am currently tied up. Hang in there.... advice is on the way I promise!

may be she is a good person because you loved her once!and what if u just help her get proffessional help,she would be the same amazing person you knew.love is all about patience.

Boo hoo

I didn't get your comment...not upset, believe me when i say i am beyond crying about this. She has a serious illness. and besides i have seen my fair share of blood and guts being a nurse for close to 20 years!

It could be really hard dealing with someone with mental health issues- no matter to WHICH kind.... I can understand. I have lost friends because they didn't understand my issue completely. I ddnt wanna hang out or do the things I used too. It's hard, but I say if u really love her u shouldn't give up on her. N if she loves u like the way u love her she really needs u now....

I think its very hard to drop the role of savior, and especially to let someone you care about wreck themselves. But at some point it comes to the fact that you can't help them if they don't help themselves, they'll just drown you.

Its hard, letting go, but it something you need to do in order to grow. You did more for this girl than most people would ever do. Youre an amazing person for what you have done this far but you need to let go; youll be fine in the long run.

Thank you for the encouragement. I ended this relationship last friday. It was best for both of us. I hope that she realizes that she will never know the wonders of a loving mate till she deals with her denial. Her disease is more real to me than it is to her. I have benefited from all the kind words and thoughts that so many people have expressed to me here. Really i feel blessed that there was a place to open up and talk about my feelings with so many loving and supportive people willijg to listen. Thanks to every one of you. Nurse Chuck

Its impossible to understand what people with depression,BPD, and OCD go through on a daily basis. My roommate of the past three years suffers from moderate depression and at first it was a challenge but we grew close and he is to this day my best friend. But sometimes no matter how hard you try you can't rationalize their throught process. You're going to be a stronger and better man from this ordeal!!Whatever happens , stay strong mate!

Just because you love someone it does not mean you have to be w them, especially if they are unhealthy for you. People need to reach out for help themselves. It is not fair to burden others to do the things they are not willing to do for theirselves. Just because you choose to put yourself and your sanity first, does not negate the fact that you love her but sometimes we have to remove the toxic people we love the most out of our lives if they keep making choices that are questionable to our moral integrity. It is up to her to get the help and if you love and want what is truly best for her, then stop enabling her and let her take responsibility for her own life and either get the help she needs or suffer the consequences. People will take you down in their own demise, but it is your choice whether you will go down with them. Best of luck, I hope everything works out for her. - Ronnie

Warponie: Thx. It may be good analysis, but tragic for her. A wasted life. She will never really connect in a loving way with her girls. Never know the depth of a mate's love. I don't feel bad about what i have done for her. I am glad to know after ending a marriage that i could still commit myself to a love. That i squeeze tight too. After i heal and concentrate on my personal needs(gifts for me!!!)...lol. That is going to feel good! I will be able to ask someone for a date and not worry about whether they will need a Psych. appointment the next day. It may take we a while to recognize a truely healthy woman? Omg, i checked out a dating site last night cause i couldn't sleep, made me delete it in 10 minutes. Who are they unreal woman...half of them sounded just like her. When i am ready, and i think i will just go the old fashioned way. Thanx very much for your comment. Actually i want to thank everyone! What a great place this is!

I have bipolar II. Even though being bipolar can be devastating, it doesn't remove the moral compass. We are aware when we are hurting others, and we also know when we need medication or therapy. Your girlfriend sounds like a mess and it sounds like she is using you. And yes, I think she's BPD. She does not sound like a simple bipolar case. You did the right thing.

I wish you the best. Please try to stay strong.

Thanx you for your honesty. If i do talk with her in any serious way, it will be to encourage her to get in therapy and meds if her pdoc advises it. We are both Vets and go to the VA hospital. I want to know if you think i should tell her that i will call the cops if she mentions suicide again. I won't put up with anymore manipulation. I will tell her never again or i will go completely no contact and forget any further support what so ever. I have already given her a firm date as to what more help she can expect(its onlymoney) and i will not change my mind. Please know i really appreciate where you speak from, keep it up please!

She may truly be suicidal, or she might not. But it does sound like she is manipulative. I wouldn't tell her anything; I would just call the cops if she threatened suicide and et them take care of it. But I would be careful. She might try to harm you in some way.

Thank you for being honest and having bipolar and what it is like. It gives much needed perspectives.

How is everything going since your last post? I am very proud of you, and inspired. You sound like a genuine soul that never deserved what you experienced. I hope things only started to get positive for you.

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It sounds like your analysis is quite accurate. The best thing you can do is let her go. They say that BPD's can't be helped and that therapists prefer not to deal with them because they can be so exhausting but there are some that can learn about their behavior and over come it. The main issues with BPD's is that they don't like to look within themselves at the source of their anger, loneliness, frustration, etc. They would rather blame others and it sounds like she blamed you. I am sorry that you had to experience that but it was a learning experience after all and the next time you will choose more wisely and possible find the right one for you.

When it comes to bi polar disorder, it lowers people's ability to control themselves. She most likely is trying, but her disorder gets the best of her. She might have it bad. It may be hard to deal with someone like her, and I know you put in a lot of effort, but some people require more time. I understand that you are frustrated, but please think about reconsidering your actions...

pls STAY w her, she is having probs w herself, nothing to do w you.
Sounds like my story a bit.
She still love you very much, be patient w her.
Dont be like me, i suffer a lot after my bf left me, now i realise my mistakes.

Pls

Trust me, she will tell him that she really loves him, but it won't stop her from doing what she is doing.

This woman sounds like she has been abused and has a borderline personality disorder. She needs help but can only get that through a medical practitioner. I know it is hard but her response to sex is about her not you. You are not her counsellor. Only she can help herself.

If you need a support, I'm here. Let me know. Interacting with her in anyway will Crush you more. Look at her like she's a tall, beautiful pill bottle with "poison" in green stickers all over her!

Oh, please dear God, don't. Stop the insanity! Please.

Get off the ride of insanity. She will make you crazy. I promise this to be true. If we were friends, I'd say, "Call me, right now!"

Wow...sorry u went thru that...I have been there...it's sooooo frustrating!

Was he mentally ill? I knew she was a year and half ago. However it is so different when they are a loved one rather than a patient. You see right pass their faults, make excuses for their behavior. You tell yourself they are under terrible pressure. You enable them, but they seek out victims. She knew how easy it was to seduce me. She is 16 years younger and very tall, pretty and has this mysterious quality. She was going through a bad divorce. Now i know why. And why she does not have her children. She has never grown up. The way she attacked my motivation for the relationship was ugly, poisoned, and self destructive! What she said hurts me to the core. It will be a long time before i can take another woman seriously again! She just sent me a text to say she "can only be grateful for what u r willing to help with". That has some crooked meaning...something within the wording is strange! Now comes some play for a way tobget me back. I think i should have dropped her cold, but i still care in some way...this is my weakness. It is where i have to draw the line...no contact!

I think she is just so weak and I think that maybe she really really needs someone to help her. On the other hand, ask her if she loves you, like really really loves you. Sex is part of the relationship, she does not have to feel like "whatever." I would ask her seriously, honestly...does she love you..like truly