Scared

A friend of mine I've had for years recently just asked me out, and- FREEZE. Wait, what? Here's the story. I used to like him, back around when I first met him. However, he made it clear, not with words, but with actions, that he was not into me. I knew when to stop acting stupid and chase after a guy who didn't feel the same way. So I stopped. He wasn't interested in me, okay. It happens to everyone, it's not a big deal. He got a girlfriend, I moved on, lived life. Now, fast-forward a couple of years later. He broke up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago, and he let everybody in our little circle of friends know how hurt he felt. He was my friend of course, I cared for him. We took him out to meet other girls and all that jazz, listen to him rant and gave him a shoulder to cry on. To me, he's my brother, a good friend. I love him, but not romantically anymore. My feelings had changed.

Now, he approaches me one day, separating me from the gang, and asks me if I would go out with him. I almost didn't believe him, and laughed. His face twisted in pain, and then I realized.. He's serious. I say, "I thought you didn't like me that way. What the hell, Orlando." He gets kind of sheepish, and mumbles, "I didn't, at first. But as the years went by, I started to have feelings for you. You've always been beautiful and blah, blah", -I started to space out a little bit, and I only heard some things. I was pissed. Like, ears turning red, WTFB*TCHALLTHISTIMEF*CKYOUNOOOWYOUDECIDEYOUWANTTOLIKEMEWELLTOOBADB*TCHSHOULD'VETHOUGHTOFTHATSOONER pissed, lol. Jk, but you know what I mean. Haha! "So what? Now that you break up with your girlfriend, you figure that I probably still like you, and that I'm the nice, pushover sap girl that will dump her current boyfriend, friends, and everything to run into your arms?" He cringes a bit, and denies it. I feel a bit bad, but I can't help but think that's what he thinks. How do I know he just wants to date me because he knows almost everything about me, and that I care about him, and he thinks he can stay comfortably with me while he's on the prowl for another hot chick? He's hurt from his ex, and I'm just his cushion, softening his fall until he can get back up? I'll gladly do that for you, Orlando... as a friend. I don't want to get emotionally attatched to you like that, and then get crushed when you decide that you're done with me. No, I can't do that. I love you, but I'm not an object you can use and then toss when you've found another toy. He's a sweet boy, he is. He's funny, he's a kind fellow, he listens when I rant about stupid crap. He's very attractive, and that's so damn dangerous. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to fall in love with him, and figure out that he never loved me at all. I know he cares for me, but what if he's not in the right mind frame, because he still misses his old girlfriend?

I tell him I'll think it over and go home. If I go through with it, it changes everything. Changes the way he sees me, and how he reacts to my jokes, etc. I don't know if I want that. Anyway, I sleep over it, and all of my friends think I should date him. Especially my female friends. *eyeroll* Anyway, the next day, I corner him, and I tell him that I won't take any of that bullsh*t, and he nods and promises that that's not what he wants to date me for. He keeps telling me I'm beautiful, and smart and- blah blah blah, I'm not one for flattery. I finally decide, aw what the hell. I say yes. He smiles super bright, and hugs me like I just rented out his favorite place for his birthday. I feel happy, sort of. That he's happy. But I'm terrified.

I know all of that, "If you think the relationship is going to fail, it will" scheiße*, but I can't help thinking it will. Call me paranoid, but I don't get close to people often, for the exact reason that that bond will eventually hurt you, somewhere down the line, whether it hurts you a little bit or a lot. Parents hurt their kids, kids hurt their parents, friends hurt other friends. I've been hurt and abused my whole life, and I have anxiety amidst other problems, like health problems. Losing someone I love, or getting hurt by them is something I almost can't stand, so I push people away. Now, he knows all of this, but he still asked me to be his girlfriend. What if I end up loving him, and he leaves me? I'm already losing my great-grandmother to old age and sickness, and I've lost two friends to death by accidents and sickness. My life was in shambles then, and only recently have I started to get back on track. I can't lose someone again, if I can help it.

Anyway, I'm going to see where this goes. If I see a bad outcome in sight, I'll sever the relationship before I get too deep. I can't afford to love someone who might not love me back.


*P.S - "scheiße" means "sh*t" in German.
duClo duClo
18-21, T
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

I have this exactly same situation... but I didn't say yes, yet..
because all this school bullying I can't trust people anymore. I'm not gonna say yes and not even no to him... I quit this thing... Plus that I see poltergeists and all kinds of creatures always scares people off... -,- It's not scary you know.. it's just new to most of you. And he doesn't know about this seeing thing.. He surely would dumb me right away if he heard... Still I wouldn't like to be like this, I would like to date with someone and I would like to be happy and in love. I guess that's not just my thing you know... I hate this ****!