My Heart's Blood

It struck me like a bolt of lightning, literally sending me reeling and spinning into tragic confessions, despair and eventually heartbreak. The whole process took only a few days... and I've already got a broken heart to deal with.

I've been watching my marriage crumble right before my very eyes. I tried my best to rekindle the spark my wife and I have, but after almost two years, the bond of trust is completely broken and I'm finding myself to be no longer interested in trying. My heart seemed as if it was no longer beating at all.

I started looking around on the Internet for support, and found a few places to settle into good communities with supportive kindred spirits. That's where I met her. Out on the Internet somewhere.

She was going through some similar problems, and her marriage is in almost the same state of decay as my own. We talked, supported each other, and very quickly helped each other get through the crises that come and go at the end of a relationship that's mortally wounded. We became very close, swapping secrets, and eventually discussing more personal topics.

The next thing I knew, I was suddenly sweating when she wasn't around, or if I wasn't in a private location I could connect with her in, and I was always thinking about her, wondering what's on her mind, everything. And it's no simple infatuation, either. I had fallen in love with her, head over heels.

I wound up confessing my love to her in a weakened state, during a discussion where it was clear I was hiding something, and in response to her gentle pressure, I was spilling the beans before I could even see what I was doing.

She got scared. Not scared away, but she didn't feel that way for me... after all, my love for her was entirely inappropriate, since we were trying to cement a solid, supportive friendship and nothing more. And also, irrational - we'd only known each other for a couple of weeks.

I started crying at her about how it feels, I ranted at her in a fit of despair, and said some hurtful things. This was totally outside of what either of us wanted from each other. We grew closer based on a supportive, empathetic friendship. And now I'm hurting her, just because my out-of-control heart won't stop screaming and forcing me to do things that are way out of reason.

So, two nights ago, I made the strangest request I probably have ever made, and I don't think I could ever do anything more weird in all my life. I begged her to break my heart so we could shut down this feeling inside me, in a desperate attempt to go back to the friendship we both came to depend upon.

She delivered the blow yesterday. It took much coaxing and support on my part, assuming the role I'd been playing as a supportive, kindred spirit, who was only here to help her deal with her relationship. Now I was helping her break my heart.

It was the weirdest thing I have ever been through. I'm pretty sure the same goes for her. We are both still in a lot of pain, having gone through this, but either I'm still in shock 24 hours later, or perhaps it worked.

I'm not sure I'll really ever know. We met the objective, which was to convince me that even if she has no list of potential suitors, had there been one I would not be on it. We're trying to re-engage our conversations, carefully - and it seems to be okay.

But she has now been added to my personal list of those I truly loved and lost. I don't know for sure if she really gets it. It doesn't REALLY make sense, after all, even seen from the outside. I went totally off the edge. Even I don't really understand what happened. All I know is the love I feel in my heart is very real, and still very strong, and I will never forget her, and will never stop loving her. And now I know she will never love me in return, and we are struggling to remain friends knowing these truths.
TheVerticalMan TheVerticalMan
41-45, M
Dec 1, 2012