Six Months Down, And It Still Hurts Like Hell

-Story of my life. No other way to describe it. I fell in love. And she, she was the most amazing, smart, beautiful girl I have ever met. For whole five years I would meet her nearly every day, and for all that time I felt nothing towards her. Until the very end. Less than a month before she would leave my life forever. I am such a fool of a man. Blind, even though I see. Deaf, even though I hear.
I am such a fool of a man.
If only I had realized sooner. If only I hadn't dismissed it as a quirk of emotions. A splutter of heart. I could have done something. I could have done something to become a part of her life. But I doubted myself. Doubted the depth of my emotion. Weary of my own demons. And I did nothing. Until it became too late. Far too late, to do anything, save to crush this heart of mine.
I faced my failure with dignity, as only a failure of a man could muster. But deep inside, where the demons fester, I did not handle it as well as I wanted the world to believe. As I wanted myself to believe. Hindsight is a ***** they say. I can see now, looking back, how my personality changed, even if the changes were so small no one else could. I got darker. Less patient. Angry. Well... more so. Before, I could lift myself out of depression with but a thought. A moment of focus. But no more... maybe never again.
And I miss her. Even now. I nearly convinced myself that I stopped caring for her.
I am such a fool of a man. Now more than ever. For still feeling the way I do. I should have crushed this heart of mine. But I don't have the 'heart' for it.
And so, I shoulder the hurt. Shoulder the shame. Because there is no one else to blame.
I am not a man of prayer, but I pray. I pray that she never has to suffer. That every day that follows brings her more joy than the last, and less than the ones to come.
And me? I carry on alone. Like I always had. Like I always will. I am the man of legends. But not all legends were that of a happy ending.
themanoflegends themanoflegends
26-30, M
3 Responses Dec 9, 2012

This pain doesn't end, does it? We carry the burden of memory even as those who we loved continue with their lives, even as they find all they deserve with those who aren't us. Three weeks now, Three weeks at the doorstep to hell. I wish it would end.

It doesn't end until we let it. Funny thing is, we never do.

wow. very inspiring! so true

I know what you mean.