A Tribute to Banana and the Death of a Friendship

I find the group name "I Loved Someone That Didn't Love Me" somewhat intriguing.
Because personally I don't believe you can love by yourself.
Love is a two people affair. 
I did love her as a friend. 
I don't doubt she loved me in that sense as well.
That being said, this is a story of how I felt about her and how a friendship with much potential came to an end.

I really had a wonderful experience with a girl (I don't know her exact age I believe she was under 20 hence the term) here on EP.
She sent me a message and it all started.
We shared thoughts about many things.
Our daily lives, struggles, things we liked and dreams we had.
She is very kind and thoughtful, both are rare traits I value most in a girl.
We shared stories and photos.
She was in a cute sweater and had a mesmerizing smile.
I realized my feelings were growing and I couldn't contain them anymore.
I dreamed of being in her life.
I dreamed of us having a future together (yes, I'm that hopelessly naive).
But apparently she couldn't accept me.
She's afraid that as I get to know her I'll end up disliking her.
I can understand that since I fear the same.
I'm no extraordinary man, just someone who wants to love and be loved.
But it still puzzles me to this day.
To borrow a quote:

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

I don't know all about her but I did love her as a friend. 
Doesn't this say something about me not minding about what I'll find?

“Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” 
― Bernard M. Baruch

I know her weakness and insecurities just as she knows mine.
We can never be perfect. It is our imperfections that make us so perfect.
I hope she realizes how wonderful and awesome she is and to the people around her. :)

In the end we had to take separate paths.
It still breaks my heart knowing that I wasn't given a chance. 
I was willing to move 700 miles just to be closer (again, hopeless I know).
But out of all things the hardest is letting go.
I put on a smile and try to shrug it off.
But getting over is easy said then done.
Sometimes I cling to the idea that the feelings were mutual.
But then I realize I am probably delusional.
Someday I try to see things in her writing that explain as to why she couldn't accept me.
But even if what she said is true, what can I do?
The decision is hers to make, I can't force her.
The only way I can move on is to convince myself that she never liked and never cared.
But how?  When your heart tells you in every way that it's not true.  

Someday I wake up feeling low, suffocating from sorrow.
But then I turn on the music and my negative emotions are gone.
The hardest part is knowing she is just one click away.
Her Facebook, music website where we shared music, iPhone game we played together (it is still my turn to play).
Ah! How much I wish I could talk to her again.
A couple of key strokes from her on her keyboard would be all it needs to reignite my dying heart. What is magic if not this?
But I can't reach out. I lost the right to do so when I said false things about her.

Night and morning feels like heaven and hell right now.
I'll wake up feeling ok someday.
And then, I'll wake up anew someday.
Memories remain...
But life has to go on...

Update: I'm moving on! Be happy for me. :)
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2 Responses Dec 29, 2012

Dude.... I'm in the same situation, but have managed to bring things into focus, perhaps I can give you a slight push in the right direction. I met my Dream Girl online while looking for support for a marriage that is failing. She has so much in common with me in terms of our lives going wrong, we became very close friends almost instantly. And, like you - I fell for her. Hard. And it's the real thing, too. Love that is true and immortal. She doesn't feel the same way. It was shocking and painful for both of us at first, and we managed to save the friendship, and tried a few ways to deal with what happened between us. I posted stories about it. Then something went wrong... and our friendship was put on the line once more, and I almost lost her.
I posted a story about it. Read it: "Unrequited Love Sucks."
Now, here is your gentle push: There's something in my story that's missing from yours. I see your story speaks of your heart and hers, and your wanting things to be different, and half a line of regret for something that train-wrecked it for you. That's a hint.
I don't know if my Dream Girl ever saw my story. I won't say *where* I met her online out of respect for her privacy. But my story has something very important in it you need to see. Try to figure it out on your own. My Dream Girl and I have become best friends to each other, and while the love I feel for her is still one-sided, we both work very hard to work with it and deal with it every day and it's turning out okay. It was really very hard to get to where we are now, I won't mislead you. But we did manage it.

My friend, you have a better chance of winning her heart than I have with my Dream Girl. Even now. Run to her, you fool. Get a hold of yourself, your feelings are very strong and making you impatient. If you keep throwing tantrums you're going to scare her off and never will win her trust. Stabilize yourself inside and be as patient as you possibly can. Don't ask for more than she can give. I'm hearing subtext here that says she may be willing but you are going to have to work very hard, for a very long time to win her trust before things go further. Walking away because you're not getting what you want the moment you want it is guaranteed to be the losing move. Working on a healthy friendship and not getting in her face about wanting to get together has a good chance of at least having her in your life, even if it never winds up being your heart's desire.

She's afraid you're going to flip out and be hurtful again. I'm very sorry this didn't work out for you. I wish there were something I could do to help. If she reads this story and sees how I and my dream girl managed to get past that... But her mind is probably made up at this point. I'm so very sorry. As for my situation... She and I have become best friends. We literally chat every chance we get... And I've managed to work out how to be patient and loving without hurting her, and she has worked out how to be my friend and not hurt my feelings. We both put a lot of effort into our friendship and the rewards have been awesome. I wish you could have the same with yours... Maybe if you could get her to read this. But honestly... I guess you gave it your best shot and need to take your medicine. I wish you all the best, and I really, really feel for you.

And I'm sure she's doing this because you're important to her too. Don't doubt that. I'm certain she just doesn't want the two of you to hurt each other anymore and is doing what she thinks is best.

wow. your story describes everything i've ever felt about the first girl i fell in love with. i have a fiance, but i still developed really strong feelings for her. i understand how you feel completely.

thank you. but i still hope to find that girl that makes my heart sing ya know?