A Tribute to Banana and the Death of a FriendshipI find the group name "I Loved Someone That Didn't Love Me" somewhat intriguing.
Because personally I don't believe you can love by yourself.
Love is a two people affair.
I did love her as a friend.
I don't doubt she loved me in that sense as well.
That being said, this is a story of how I felt about her and how a friendship with much potential came to an end.
I really had a wonderful experience with a girl (I don't know her exact age I believe she was under 20 hence the term) here on EP.
She sent me a message and it all started.
We shared thoughts about many things.
Our daily lives, struggles, things we liked and dreams we had.
She is very kind and thoughtful, both are rare traits I value most in a girl.
We shared stories and photos.
She was in a cute sweater and had a mesmerizing smile.
I realized my feelings were growing and I couldn't contain them anymore.
I dreamed of being in her life.
I dreamed of us having a future together (yes, I'm that hopelessly naive).
But apparently she couldn't accept me.
She's afraid that as I get to know her I'll end up disliking her.
I can understand that since I fear the same.
I'm no extraordinary man, just someone who wants to love and be loved.
But it still puzzles me to this day.
To borrow a quote:
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard
I don't know all about her but I did love her as a friend.
Doesn't this say something about me not minding about what I'll find?
“Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch
I know her weakness and insecurities just as she knows mine.
We can never be perfect. It is our imperfections that make us so perfect.
I hope she realizes how wonderful and awesome she is and to the people around her. :)
In the end we had to take separate paths.
It still breaks my heart knowing that I wasn't given a chance.
I was willing to move 700 miles just to be closer (again, hopeless I know).
But out of all things the hardest is letting go.
I put on a smile and try to shrug it off.
But getting over is easy said then done.
Sometimes I cling to the idea that the feelings were mutual.
But then I realize I am probably delusional.
Someday I try to see things in her writing that explain as to why she couldn't accept me.
But even if what she said is true, what can I do?
The decision is hers to make, I can't force her.
The only way I can move on is to convince myself that she never liked and never cared.
But how? When your heart tells you in every way that it's not true.
Someday I wake up feeling low, suffocating from sorrow.
But then I turn on the music and my negative emotions are gone.
The hardest part is knowing she is just one click away.
Her Facebook, music website where we shared music, iPhone game we played together (it is still my turn to play).
Ah! How much I wish I could talk to her again.
A couple of key strokes from her on her keyboard would be all it needs to reignite my dying heart. What is magic if not this?
But I can't reach out. I lost the right to do so when I said false things about her.
Night and morning feels like heaven and hell right now.
I'll wake up feeling ok someday.
And then, I'll wake up anew someday.
But life has to go on...
Update: I'm moving on! Be happy for me. :)