I Need To Stay Away From Him.

I'm completely infatuated with one of my good friends.

And I think they've realized it.

And they're not interested.

What do you do when you've been contemplating the possibility of someone for 4 years? When you realize that you've subconsciously convinced yourself that one day you'll end up with them, but put it off because you felt like the timing just hasn't been right? And you put it off, and put it off, and put it off...

Until finally, you break open. You can't contain your feelings anymore.

This is where I am now. I've been denying my feelings for him outwardly for 4 years, but inside hoping that maybe one day it would go somewhere.

And the problem is that I convinced myself that it would, in fact, go somewhere. That all I had to do was put myself out there and he would pick me up.

Because I (the one who has been dating other people the entire time while he has just had fling after fling but never anything serious), secretly have thought there is a good possibility that we are soul-mates. And of course he's been pining for me. How couldn't he be?

But now, now that I've admitted my feelings to myself and started to put myself out there, have realized that I could not be more wrong.

He's figured it out and he's shying away. It's like he's trying to paint a sign around his head that says "BACK OFF, I DON'T WANT YOU."

But he's been with a million other women. And constantly is being approached by more.

Why doesn't he see me as good enough to even CONSIDER that I could be a good match for him?

I don't understand it.

I care about you so much. But you make me feel like I am doing something wrong, like I am scary or creepy or weird. .....I haven't even DONE ANYTHING TO YOU. I'm sorry I care about you. WHY is that so wrong?

I'm staying away from you. I refuse to be humiliated.

It's so damn painful to try to force myself to accept that you are NOT interested. I've always dated men who had nothing going for them, or who were horrible to me. And I've always thought I deserved better.

YOU are better.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe my exes are all I deserve.

But I refuse to believe that. I don't deserve to be controlled and abused, anymore then I deserve to be made to feel humiliated by you.

Maybe if I can hate you, this will all go away.

verstehen verstehen
22-25, F
Jan 14, 2013