Heads (breaking Point) This Is A Bit Long

I didn't know where else to post this but since it was caused by a girl who didnt love me back this seemed like a good place.

G had been avoiding for a while because neither of us know what to say to the other and where to even begin, we had been close but things went south when she told me she just wanted to be friends after two days before telling me she knew she liked me. At this points we've had a few months of dodgy conversations and phone tag trying to sort out each others emotions and find some direction to continue in. Finally i was able to talk to her and she agree that we should sit down and talk in person to get this out of the way so it wouldn't feel like it was hanging over our heads. However she continued to avoid me until at our church league basketball game I asked her if she was "still busy" which is her common excuse. toy which she said yes and then found it hard to even form words she told me: Every time we talk it turns into this big thing and I'm tired of just like walking around the point and pretending this doesn't matter. I told her, that's the point of this I want us to finally get it all out there so we can at least be friends again then she told me something like "I just need space" and walked away. I know i'm only 18 and people can say that i'm over-reacting which would is a reasonable assumption, but the thing is she isn't just a girl I love, shes my confidant and my best friend, she even tried to mend the years of heartache i have for a rough past, and it was clear she loved me too, but the worst part is that I haven't said that to her, and shes walking out at a time when my whole world is crumbling.

After G walked away from me, I grabbed my jacket and I ran. I ran from the church gym out into the rain. No one tried to stop me, I barely had to sneak. Outside I ran as fast as I could, feeling the keys in my pocket bang against some loose change. I made all the way across town before I had to stop to catch my breath, but by then I was already at the high school track and the rain was starting to slow. I was so tired I couldn't stand so had to crouch there in between the puddles I dodged on the way over. While I sat there, catching my breath, I thought about how good it would feel to just once let the weight of the world crush me, move in with my mom in her small apartment in the projects, stop running because my shin splints and knees rejected it everyday, the more I thought about it the more I began to calculate my ability to run to my grandfathers house and borrow his gun, after all my friends could help me with what they didn't understand. when I stood, I had the Intention of running a few more miles while I made my decision and I thought it would be easier if I rearranged the contents of my pocket. I pulled out my keys and put theme around my neck then, on a whim, when I grabbed the pennies two shinny new pennies with that shield on the back I thought to myself: Tails comes up slightly more then heads because the tails side is lighter, the odds are slim that I would get it twice. In my mind I asked God to help me, give me some kind of direction and tell if I should give up on this, but I wasn't very firm in it. After that I threw the pennies into a puddle far enough away that I couldn't see how they fell, and when I jogged up and looked into the water I saw Heads, Lincoln staring. At that moment I looked up at the sky and laughed, I laughed until I cried, then cried until I laughed again and cried some more. It could be that I've just finally lost my mind like my bipolar mother or her suicidal mother before her, or it could be that I just finally broke and let my weakness pour out of me,only time will tell. But when I returned from my run soaked enough to hide my tears and the game began, G finally spoke to me, and for a while I could see life getting better.
herofoil herofoil
18-21, M
Jan 14, 2013