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Will It Ever Work Out?

I first met this guy when I was about 16 years old.
Somehow, influenced by situation and the fact that we are going to the same school and have some mutual friends - we started to communicate a lot.
This guy, he is just so genuinely good. He is a great listener and always had treated me with a huge amount of respect, interest and concern.
At that point of my life I was really insecure (I felt just really ugly, stupid and worthless, like no one could ever love me). I started developing a huge crush on him, but I never thought that this feeling might become a mutual one, because he has a great personality, he is gentle and kind, and also handsome and really smart. But I couldn't believe that anyone could ever love me, because I almost hated myself.
Some time later my feelings got really strong, but he was mostly making me feel worse. Because I felt like this was a dead end feeling and everything was kinda depressing.

Eventually, we stopped being friends and we were just like people, who used to know each other very well, but now they just get along but they are hardly can be considered friends.

He had fallen in love with a great friend of mine, and I was really happy for them, I almost stopped feeling anything for him, because there was a guy whom I considered attractive, who was very into me.

Then I moved to another city for a year and almost forgot about him for months.

Still, after I came back to the city - I figured we will attend the same university.
I felt extremely ashamed whenever I saw him because I was the one to cut him off ruthlessly without giving a brief explanation.

Now I am 19 years old. I am mostly fine and my self-esteem seems to be normal. I don't always feel like I am worthless and worst of all like I used to. Of course, sometimes I do feel bad about myself, but things like that take time. I am working on it.

Since October I started seeing him more often and at first it was hard because I felt like we don't have anything to discuss anymore, but moreover he made all those bad feelings come to life again.
I worked hard to get better and in December I were seeing him almost every day and I felt much better. It felt great to be around him again when I am improved version of myself. Prettier, smarter , funnier.
On New Years Eve I confessed him I really would love us to be friends again and he was really excited. I haven't told him I loved him then and I love him now because I am still insecure about some things.
But I have a feeling things between us might even work out this time.
I guess he just doesn't see me as a young a little bit troubled woman I am now, just really scared girl with a huge amount of psychological problems I was. He still sees me as a friend.
And I realize he might never see me as something more.
But I am trying really hard and I will hope that eventually he will.

Because I know him really well and I am friends with a lot of guys, but no one ever made me feel that way he does( we touch and hug a lot and every time I just go crazy) and maybe no one ever will.
6600ff 6600ff 18-21, F Jan 19, 2013

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