It Started Out As Friendship...

We met when he his fiance signed on to particpate in a show I was in. They had been engaged for a year at that time, and she I became fast friends. As a result, he (I'll call him "Ben") and I became friends. We flirted, harmlessly, because that was just how we all acted with each other. I had been in a relationship for a few years myself, and I had no desire to cheat on him. Then, about a year after we met, and as if by some twist of fate, both of our relationships started falling apart at the same time. Ben and I sought each other out for mutual comfort as our lives disintegrated from underneath us. Then I got the phone call from him that she had ended it and thrown him out. We talked every night and grew closer on our own, discovering our own friendship without her as some sort of connection between us. We started spending a lot of time together...it was clear that we were being drawn to each other as something more than friends. One night, on impulse, he kissed me. And I didn't hate it! Less than a month later, my boyfriend and I broke up, and Ben and I, both still stinging from the pain caused by both of our relationships (which both, coincidentally, lasted 3 1/2 years), mutually decided that we didn't want anything exclusive or serious. We were two good friends who were attracted to one another, so we started a "friends with benefits" relationship. We had sex all the time. But it was really great, because we knew that we were two people who cared about each other just helping each other through something. Valentine's Day of this year was when it all began to change. We text messaged a lot, and I texted him "Be My Valentine." Not a big deal, right? Wrong. He flipped out, texting me that he couldn't see me anymore. I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer, texting me to say that if he heard my voice, he would cave and not be able to end it. I was hurt and confused. I didn't care if he didn't want to have sex anymore, but we were supposed to be friends first. A week went by with no word from him, until he texted me an apology. We spoke later that night, and we both knew that we had to see each other. It was starting to turn into a need or something. I don't know...but I went over there that night and we just had a really great night. We sat up late, talking...and yes, we had sex later...but I spent the night in his arms for the first time and felt really at peace for the first time in well over a year. He had confessed that the last time we had been together, he was suddenly overcome by all kinds of feelings, and it freaked him out, and that was why he had decided to end things. Rather than take it easy after this, we plunged right back into it, spending all of our free time together, sometimes having sex, sometimes not...but out of nowhere, my feelings for him began to grow. One night we sat talking, and he had been picking on me about this guy in a show I was doing who I had had a "crush" on. And then he said to me "Ya know, I've been asking myself over and over...what's the difference between me and this guy? And I can't come up with anything..." And I foolishly answered, "He's new. He doesn't know anything about me, or my life before he met me...it's kind of a liberating feeling." The truth was, yes, I had a crush on the "new guy." But it was only later that I realized "I don't want 'new'...I want the one who knows me...I want Ben." And it was then that I realized that I was in love with him. I was scared to tell him, even though he clearly dropped hints to me, first with confessing having feelings (though he didn't state which KIND of feelings he had been having) and then pondering over why I liked the "new guy" and not him. But he would never flat out tell me how he felt. And I would never tell him. We continued sleeping together, but after every encounter, things started getting awkward. Like, we didn't know what to say or do afterwards. Sometimes he would just get up, get dressed, and get on the computer. Other times I would get up, get dressed and leave. I felt so awful afterward, not because I didn't know how I felt, but because I DID but was afraid to tell him I was in love with him. The last night we spent together was two months ago to the day. We had sex, and I awkwardly left, hugging him and kissing him goodbye. I should have noticed something in him when I left, as he stood in the doorway in his Hanes t-shirt and basketball shorts...the look on his face was...I don't know...confused, bothered...I'm not sure. But it was something. I didn't hear from him again for 4 days, even though I tried to contact me. He wouldn't return my calls or my texts. Finally he texted me one phrase "I'm not mad at you, sweets." Then, after that text, all of his texts became short. He decided that he "didn't like talking on the phone" so he told me that if I wanted to talk to him, then to text him. He said he was too busy. He was pushing me away for some reason, but wouldn't tell me why. I wasn't stupid, I could tell. He stopped referring to me as "baby, honey, darling" and started calling me "kiddo" all the time, which drove me completely crazy. after nearly a month of this odd behavior, I had had enough. I had just been to a regular checkup at the doctor and, after some testing, found out that I would need to have my gall bladder removed. I was in my final semester of college, and decided to wait until after graduation to have it done. But I wanted him to know what was going on. So I texted him "Since you're too busy to talk to me and you don't like talking on the phone, this was the only way I could tell you that I have to have surgery after graduation." He called me less than 30 seconds after I texted him, saying "What's the matter? What's going on? Are you ok?" There was obvious panic in his voice as I told him what the doctor had said. I told him that, although I knew that gall bladder surgery was a common procedure, I had never had any form of surgery in my life, and i was pretty scared. I started to cry. I told him that I missed him and I just really wanted to see him. He didn't tell me that he missed me, though, but said he wanted to see me and take me out to dinner that week. So I went to his house after class one day, and we had a nice time just catching up on what was going on. But all I wanted to do was just wrap my arms around him and tell him I loved him. Yet, my fear still festered, especially in light of his recent behavior. We went out, had a great dinner, came back to his house and just entertained each other with hysterical conversation. Then he said "You're staying here tonight, dammit." and I said "Okay." We went out to a movie, came back, talked some more, and we went to bed...in separate bedrooms. I chose the guest room, because, after his behavior that month, there was no way I was just going to fall back into bed with him. But he gave me the option, which was nice. But when we said goodnight, we held each other for such a long time. And when he pulled away, he wouldn't look at me, but I couldn't help but see a sadness in his eyes. I left before dawn broke, driving the half hour drive home in tears. That was about a month ago. I haven't seen him since, but we still text every couple of days. Last week he texted me "I'm sorry I've been so distant..." and I thought that maybe he was finally cracking, that I'd finally know what he's been thinking. But he didn't elaborate. Even when I prompted him, responding "I hope you haven't forgotten that you can talk to me about anything...you always did before. What's changed?" and all he responded was "Everything." He's not dating anyone else...his mom made sure to tell me that. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess the ball is in his court. And I'm tired of feeling so depressed about it and know I should move on, but we shared a real connection, one that I know is still there...it just needs to be rekindled. I adore him, and I know he is keeping things from me, things that are causing him to act the way he has been. I'm just at a loss...

Nimbus07 Nimbus07
26-30, F
1 Response May 25, 2007

Wow, what a story. I'd give a lot to hear Ben's point of view.