It Was/is Mine

My wife and I were fairly new to the neighborhood.  We had kind of kept to ourselves for the first few months and decided that we needed to get out and get to know some of the neighbors.  There was a new family moving in down the block and we thought that would be a good place to start.  My wife made up some muffins and we dubbed ourselves a welcoming committie and went over to introduce ourselves.

Ben answered the door and we discovered that he was there by himself.  His wife and children were to follow within a few months.

While Ben was waiting on his wife, he decided to take advantage of the bachelor part of geographical bachelor.  Shortly after his wife and children made the move, his wife, Amy, discovered his misadventures.  The separated and she and the kids stayed in the house.  Our families never really had the chance to become friendly the way my wife and I planned.  Oddly, though, my wife became quite friendly with Ben.

A few months after their separation, my wife and I separated.  As my wife departed with her goons who helped her move out all her stuff, all of the neighbors seemed to descend upon me.  It was like they were waiting for her to leave in order to talk to me.  Amy was among them.

Once she was gone I discovered that there were nearly weekly block parties involving kids and parents and the whole deal.  In fact, nearly every evening at least one parent was congregated at the picnic table waiting on any other parent to happen by for conversation.  Often time it was Amy there, and I who happened by.

Amy and I had a lot in common and there was a wonderful chemistry.  I secretely watched her in the evenings from my window as she did gardening in her front yard just after sunset.  She watched me through the same window from a picnic table as I did my workouts in my bedroom.  I thought nobody could see through the venesian blinds!. 

There was an attraction, but I held it at bay.  In our possitions, it was forbidden for us to have a romance.  Plus, I wanted to be sure that I'd recovered fully from my ex-wife prior to entering any relationships, and neither of us were even divorced, yet.

I knew for sure, though, that she felt the same as I did.  One day, she invited me in her house to look at a painting.  I was hesitant, I hadn't been in her house before.  She brought me upstairs where the bedrooms where to show me.  I admired it, and there was an awkward moment, and I hurried out!

I think that she gave up at that point, resigned to a platonic relationship between us.  She did ask me to come to dinner one night though.  Only, it wasn't just me.  It was another guy, also.  She liked the guy as a friend, and enjoyed his company, but was suspicous of his intentions.  She wanted somebody else there to ward him off.  He had also been recently separated, and it was going to be a sort of three way pity party.  I brought a bottle of wine that my wife and I received as a gift on our wedding day.

She made a wonderful dinner.  We had great conversation.  She pulled out a photo ablum and sat next to me on the couch with the third across the room in a chair.  She was showing me pictures.  I was drunk.  Under the book, I touched her hand and sparks flew between us.  The friend must have noticed, even though we said nothing, and showed nothing, because he excused himself for the night.  As he left, I volunteered to help with dishes.  Amy saw out her other guest, then came to me as I was doing dishes.  She turned me around and we kissed.  And, well, it was the most fun I've ever had in the kitchen....

We clandestinely saw each other for the next few months.  She was the first to move from the area, then I moved.  We didn't move to the same area, though.  We maintained a long distance relationship for a while, but kept it non-commital.  She even told me that she would understand and expect that I was seeing other women.  She just didn't want to know about it.

I wanted more committment from her, though.  She wasn't able to provide it.  So, I saw other women, still longing for her.  I found one that I liked, and one that was willing to commit Marry.  I asked Amy one last time for more commitment in our relationship.  She couldn't do it.  The next week we broke up.  A few weeks later, I asked Amy to marry me.  She agreed.

Marry and I have been married for four years.  Each year I actually find that I love her more.  I expected that I'd eventually fall out of love with Amy, but I haven't.  I haven't talked to her, seen her, or anything, but sometimes I think about her a lot.  I don't want to.  I don't want to ruin what I have, but sometimes, I just can't get her off my mind sometimes.

I wish I didn't love her.  I wish I never met her.  And I wish her the best in life.  I hope that I never see her, because if I do, I'll have to talk to her.  I hope I never talk to her, because if I do, I'll have to touch her.  I hope I never touch her because if I do, I'll have to kiss her.  I hope she is happy.  I hope Marry is happy.  I want to stay happy with Mary.  I hope Mary never discovers this and knows who it is that it is writing and who it is about.

BeautifulLoser BeautifulLoser
31-35, M
May 25, 2007