I Loved Someone That Didn't Love Me
My mind is completely lost. About a month ago all seemed well. Then she happened. Eleven years my junior, she stormed into and immediately became a large part of my life. She made me feel young again, made me just... feel. For the most part, I'm emotionally numb and cynically cautious about women. But this wasn't a woman, it was a girl. Wide eyes, sweet smile, dimples and an infectious zest and glow. I never stood a chance, we were doomed for failure.
We clicked. I can't find the right word, but it just felt right when we were together. The way she looked at me... most females look at me with a look of disdain. She looked at me with doe eyed admiration. She told me that she liked the way I looked at her; that she wanted to hold my hand; that if I weren't 29 and she weren't 18 we would be happy together without a second thought. That first week, we sent and received nearly 2,000 text messages, talked for nearly 1,000 minutes on the phone and spent at least 4 hours of every day together. We were smitten. Puppy love, she called it.
She would call me in the middle of the night when she took too many sleeping pills and beg me to tell her that everything would be OK. I told her it would. The days after the calls, she asked that I not bring up the previous nights conversations. During them, as she sheepishly admitted, the walls came down. No filters, no shame, no second guessing. She slipped once and called me her boyfriend, slipped another and told me she loved me. When she came to visit me at work, she would look at me and send me texts. "Ur cuuute ..." "I don't care what people would think." We were inseparable. Then her ex fiancée came to visit.
Note that we had little physical contact beyond brushing arms against each other while walking close and one time when she went to kiss me on the cheek and I turned my head and she got half of my lips. It was all innocence and infatuation. When the ex came back for 3 days, everything changed. Like a tornado, he spun her around, and she was never the same with me again. She turned cold and hostile. Accusations of failure and lack of motivation were levied. When we finally saw each other after that, she barely made eye contact. When she did, I saw the hurt and indecision in her eyes. Then they turned cold, as if she weren't the same person. We ended the night badly, and she told me I was getting too attached.
I never made any outward physical play for her other than holding her hand at a movie. She had been far more forward with me in the prior week. While talking after the awkward night, she asked me why I couldn't find someone my own age and remained cold. Then suddenly, she messaged me and asked me if I want to see her the next day. She got really flirty and for 2 days, everything was as it was the prior week. We met on my day off. We had a long lunch full of playful banter, stolen glances and comments about how she loved the way I smell. We saw a movie, one that I wanted to see and that she ended up enjoying. As the night drew to a close, I saw a look on her face that was equal parts happiness and resignation. Looking back, I understand why. This was to be our last fun day together, her decision. I don't think she wanted to let us have it, but she did.
The next day it snowed. She met me after work and we went to our favorite place to eat. The walk over was fun, full on slipping on the snow, holding each other up and laughing about it. Then during dinner, she turned unfathomably cold and distant. Flick of a switch. She barely spoke, but when she did it was short and patronizing. We walked around the mall until she went to a store where she ultimately ended whatever it was that we may have had. She ignored me, brazenly flirted with the employee in the empty store and told me to leave. I left, told her that what she did was disrespectful to me, and she responded like a kid, telling me again that I was too attached and it was my fault. She was a kid, after all, I had to keep reminding myself of that.
Less than a week later, she was leaving to go back down south until her birthday in March. I truly believe that she turned cold, allowed us to have one great day, and then intentionally hurt me so that she could better cope with her leaving. The way we looked at each other, the jolts of electricity the few times we touched, that was real. If I never find true happiness, she will always be my "could have been." Would have been, and probably should have been. She spun me and I'm still reeling.
We clicked. I can't find the right word, but it just felt right when we were together. The way she looked at me... most females look at me with a look of disdain. She looked at me with doe eyed admiration. She told me that she liked the way I looked at her; that she wanted to hold my hand; that if I weren't 29 and she weren't 18 we would be happy together without a second thought. That first week, we sent and received nearly 2,000 text messages, talked for nearly 1,000 minutes on the phone and spent at least 4 hours of every day together. We were smitten. Puppy love, she called it.
She would call me in the middle of the night when she took too many sleeping pills and beg me to tell her that everything would be OK. I told her it would. The days after the calls, she asked that I not bring up the previous nights conversations. During them, as she sheepishly admitted, the walls came down. No filters, no shame, no second guessing. She slipped once and called me her boyfriend, slipped another and told me she loved me. When she came to visit me at work, she would look at me and send me texts. "Ur cuuute ..." "I don't care what people would think." We were inseparable. Then her ex fiancée came to visit.
Note that we had little physical contact beyond brushing arms against each other while walking close and one time when she went to kiss me on the cheek and I turned my head and she got half of my lips. It was all innocence and infatuation. When the ex came back for 3 days, everything changed. Like a tornado, he spun her around, and she was never the same with me again. She turned cold and hostile. Accusations of failure and lack of motivation were levied. When we finally saw each other after that, she barely made eye contact. When she did, I saw the hurt and indecision in her eyes. Then they turned cold, as if she weren't the same person. We ended the night badly, and she told me I was getting too attached.
I never made any outward physical play for her other than holding her hand at a movie. She had been far more forward with me in the prior week. While talking after the awkward night, she asked me why I couldn't find someone my own age and remained cold. Then suddenly, she messaged me and asked me if I want to see her the next day. She got really flirty and for 2 days, everything was as it was the prior week. We met on my day off. We had a long lunch full of playful banter, stolen glances and comments about how she loved the way I smell. We saw a movie, one that I wanted to see and that she ended up enjoying. As the night drew to a close, I saw a look on her face that was equal parts happiness and resignation. Looking back, I understand why. This was to be our last fun day together, her decision. I don't think she wanted to let us have it, but she did.
The next day it snowed. She met me after work and we went to our favorite place to eat. The walk over was fun, full on slipping on the snow, holding each other up and laughing about it. Then during dinner, she turned unfathomably cold and distant. Flick of a switch. She barely spoke, but when she did it was short and patronizing. We walked around the mall until she went to a store where she ultimately ended whatever it was that we may have had. She ignored me, brazenly flirted with the employee in the empty store and told me to leave. I left, told her that what she did was disrespectful to me, and she responded like a kid, telling me again that I was too attached and it was my fault. She was a kid, after all, I had to keep reminding myself of that.
Less than a week later, she was leaving to go back down south until her birthday in March. I truly believe that she turned cold, allowed us to have one great day, and then intentionally hurt me so that she could better cope with her leaving. The way we looked at each other, the jolts of electricity the few times we touched, that was real. If I never find true happiness, she will always be my "could have been." Would have been, and probably should have been. She spun me and I'm still reeling.
By:
Ugmo
Age:
26-30
