I Thought She Was the One...

It's kinda hard talking about this but it was my senior year about half of it had gone by pretty quick. The usual stuff meeting new people made a couple of friends one very good one. I can still remember how odd it was when I saw her, she was in my math class and had been all year yet I had never seen her this way. After talking to her I felt as if I was on clouds as if there was no wrong in the world and nothing could bring me down. Only after this I told a friend who was in the same class as her and I to find out we were both attracted to her. This caused in itself many problems, but this feeling was so powerful and felt so pure there was no way it couldn't be love. Well after many long talks with her did I realize I had fallen really hard for her so I decided to write a note ( the whole do you want to be bf and gf ). Later in the day she pulled me aside ( which made me think wow she might actually say yes ! until I saw the look on her face ) she then explained how she has a bf on the other side of the country which made sense due to her being new and from a military family. Yet she had feelings for my friend and now had to tell him as well.

    ( just to explain a little more - I had 2 classes with both the girl and my friend who was into her, after class we would walk together to our cars talking and joking , I.e the people I would hangout with everyday after school )

    I don't know why or how but after she told my friend about her bf the two of them acted more affectionate to each other. Now I was sitting next to them as they held hands and would constantly flirt not 2 feet away from me, which made me want to crawl into the darkest hole and never leave it. I was infuriated by the fact they both knew how I felt bout her and they went along with this. I couldn't believe it and my body just kind of shut down. I didn't eat anything for days or whatever I did was very small and only to convince my family I was ok, I would sleep about an hour a day if that and would walk for hours to get away form everyone.

     I felt so crummy I mean I would come to visit her even one night I was at a friends about an hour away from home, I could have stayed and partied and had a good time but I drove home just to talk to her at work for literally 5 min just to see how she was doing. I felt as if I would do anything for her, all I wanted to do was make her happy....and she never seemed to notice or appreciate anything i did.

    I had never felt so alone in my life, 3 of my good friends were leaving the state 2 of which the country. I started to inflict harm to myself but I wouldn't cut ( i have a thing about blades and needles =/  )  I would punch the ground until my hand was raw. I eventually got to the point where I wanted to end my life, I mean seeing the person I loved with someone I thought my friend flirting constantly. I don't know if I was actually going to hurt myself or if I was looking for attention but I know I wanted the result to be me gone, far away from where I currently was so I left home and just started driving away. After my mom figured out what was going on i received several calls from friends and then her. I talked to her for a while and eventually agreed to meet her. I only spoke to her for a minute when police arrived which I knew was only there to help me but the pure shame I felt when I saw her only added to the feeling.

    I stayed home thinking about everything and I knew ( logically ) I would meet someone later on in life but a part of me didn't care it still just wanted to be with her even though I knew it would never happen. My friend and I talked and realized it wasn't worth it to fight like this and resolved our differences. but it didn't end there...

One day I was in the local coffee shop and I was looking in the paper cuz I needed a summer job when she walked in, we made small talk and she looked at me asked if she wanted me to set up an appointment at a water park where she was going to work, I foolishly said yes ( tho it was really good money and I had been a lifeguard before ). I went in for my interview and everything was going good and half way through it she came in and we ended up having our interview together... I noticed her tapping on my shoe, then nudging on my leg ect... I know im a guy but I would think when a girl persistently nudges you and does the laugh thing that its flirting. After words we went to finish the interview in another part of the park where we continued to mess around and we ended up staying at least and hour or two past messing around. We meet up after getting home and talked for a little bit. All of our water park classes were together where we continued to mess around, after all that I finally asked her again do you see me as just a friend or something more ? - I never could get a straight answer out of her... I later learned she became interested in another guy and was seeing him while messing with me, I had made the mistake of letting my old feelings get the better of me. Thankfully I was in a better position to deal with my feelings and had good friends to help me out of it.

    I do still have feelings for her that I wish would go away knowing the things about her that I do now but I feel if I were to ever love anyone  or do anything for someone it would be her.

Thank you for reading I know it was long.. lol

I wish you all luck in your relationships
Manovertree Manovertree
18-21, M
3 Responses Jun 1, 2007

wow i just realized that was posted in 2007!

i think she just likes to drag you around cause she likes that you are into her. i would make up my mind and distance myself from her and find someone else. if not its gonna go on forever, she'll keep things lukewarm - just enough to keep you around but never the kind of affection that you truly desire.

that girl is no good it sounds like and just likes playing with your head,, you deserve better