I fell in love with him when this year started. And it's been a trecherous roller coaster of feelings, and...well everything. And considering that this is the first person I have ever loved like this... It was one of the hardest things to go through. and still is.
When it started I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't doing anything. I would get on the computer and go on for hours, and i didn't know why. At first I thought I was just having a hard time adjusting to a new school, but after that first week of hell, I realized I was waiting to talk to him online. the next month was complete... I don't know what to call it. I was depressed, every day was the same. I didn't want to do anything except for wallow in my own self pity. I didn't even write music some days, which is what I live for. This man, let's call him Cor (which means heart), was ruining my life, and didn't even know it. I couldn't stop loving him, and I was terrified. I was scared, I was tired, I was depressed, lonely, angry, and just on the verge of giving up. Through this whole thing I tried to talk to him, but he never was able to. he was so busy and all. (he didn't know i love him.) So I started to write him letters, but not send them to him. here is the first one.
October 5, 2006
Cor, I am in love with you. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I can’t keep my mind (or my eyes) off of you. I find it very scary, and I wouldn’t doubt it if you did, too. In about the second week these feelings hit me like a ton of bricks. When I first met you, I wanted to be your friend, you were funny, witty and intelligent (which is very hard to be). But subconsciously I started waiting to talk to you online. I was basically addicted to myspace. I would go on for hours. And I didn’t even know why it was happening. I would just go on the computer to, you know, check my email, and the next thing I knew it was 1 in the morning. This happened that whole second week. I was not a happy camper. (Remember I didn’t know I was in love with you at this point. I was but I still hadn’t realized it.) So, I brushed it off as getting used to the new school. But it persisted.
I started talking to my friend Sharon. We talked about people we liked, and I mentioned you. And it hit me. I was waiting for you online.
Now I knew. I liked you. It grew so fast that I didn’t know what hit me. There you were. Someone that, I thought, was pretty cool. Then you became (overnight) the person I would do anything for. You don’t know how scary this is, I’ve never EVER liked someone like this. EVER. It’s always been for ulterior motives. But you’re the real deal. I just want to be with you. It’s not because I want to be liked by someone, it’s not because I want sex, it’s not because I want to cause drama in the school (thus the reason I am staying away from you and suppressing my feelings.) It’s because there is something deep in my soul that is driving me toward you.
And it’s weird, I mean, if I think about it, you are no different than a lot of my other friends. Yet EVERYTHING about you is different. I know you must find this hard to believe. It still is for me.
Why do I like you? Let me tell you why. You are a lot like me. You care about the people you love (aka Joanna, whom I also find to be an amazing person, you too are extremely lucky to have each other. Don’t ruin it.), watching you with her (I must sound like a stalker to you. But I have no intention of going forward with any of this. Because I respect what you have and who you are [although I don’t truly know you] and I don’t want to force anything because if I ever ended up with you, I would want it to be because of love, not because of pressure or bribery or superficial needs. Anyway, I love the way you talk. Your deep smooth voice with its rich full tone, (sigh) it melts my heart. And the way you show me funny movies and songs, saying ‘I bet you’ll appreciate this.’ It doesn’t seem like much but it is. I know that you’re not trying to hit on me when you do it, so I know not to get my hopes up, which is saddening but what needs to happen. And not to mention you are gorgeous, your inner beauty is radiated into your face, it is very attractive. What else… I don’t know, you’re muscular build is perfect. Not anorexic, not fat, not on steroids. It’s a very good composition. OH, when you play the cello… (Sigh) I could listen to you play for hours. And when you get excited about things, it’s just fills me with this energy… I mean I could go into things like, your funny, intelligent blah blah, but that’s not who you are to me.
You are the little things.
You have showed me what love means to me. It means that I am willing to give it up because I don’t want to lose you as a friend, and knowing that you wouldn’t like me that way I do want to be your friend. It also means that it’s not something that’s visible or can be pinpointed; it’s a force a drive that leads me to you. I also learned that I can’t pick the ones that I love in this way. (which sucks because I hate putting you through this. If I had a choice I would stop loving you, but I can’t. It’s not because you’re a bad person or anything it’s because I don’t want to lose a good friend.) I don’t know if it’s true love, hormones, or what. I just know it’s their and it is not going away any time soon. I am sorry.
I have had a situation like this before. One of my closest friends confessed he had had a crush on me for about a year. I about died. It was shocking, it was weird, and I felt very sorry because of what I put him through. I am a flirtatious person and it must have been torture for him. In fact it was, I actually basically stopped talking to him, (right as his love for me peaked) and went with another guy (who btw was a psycho and both Paul and I knew it. I needed someone to love and he was obsessed with me so it worked. Kind of, but that’s a totally different story.
I know this is going to sound very contradictory but that’s how I feel so here I go.
You have my heart in the palm of your hand.
You have my feelings in your grasp.
You have my everything.
Please Please PLEASE!! Don’t throw them away. I’m not asking you to love me. I’m just asking you to be the understanding and compassionate human being you are and let me off gently. You are my first real crush; I don’t want it to end in pain. Believe me, I’ve had enough already.
To sum up, I am in love with you, Cor. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
The names have been changed but you get the picture. I was a wreck.
Finally when I told him. He didn't freak out, he didn't hate me, he just simply said that he was not gay, and that I don't have a chance. I thought I was going to be ok. I thought telling him would get it off my chest. No. I was wrong. I still love him.
we haven't talked about it since the night I told him. That was over two months ago. And they have been the longest two months of my life.
I am ready to let go... so can't I??? Why can't I move on? I am so lonely. And scared. Am I ever going to forget? I just want to end everything sometimes. And i NEED TO STOP CRYING!!! I am a man, gay yes, but not a fruit. I am a down to earth very expressive, compassionate human being, who just happened to fall in love. I didn't even want to!! I had no choice!! I hate this, and I need some help. Please I need to know why this is all happening. :_(.
Lost and Alone.