I Know I Said I Love You But......

22 years ago in HS I had a bf that was very popular in our HS.  We dated for many years and then broke up a few years after college.

Nearly five/six years after graduating HS I ran into a boy that had attended my HS at a church function.  He spotted me in a crowd. It was so WONDERFUL to see him...we exchanged numbers and he shared how he always had a crush on me in HS. We "kind of" dated for a while then (this was @ 1990/1991) ...went to the movies a few times, kissed a few times etc.

A month or so a later a good friend of his was killed.  He clung to me and in our friendship I consoled him after his friends death.  Shortly thereafter...we parted ways and lost touch.  My dad died shortly thereafter....and I had a rough time and moved to another state for several years.

Last Fall (Sept) I returned to my home town and looked up my old friend (after about 15 years).  I looked him up on-line, found him and we began emailing each other right away!  HE called...we sat in a diner one night and talked the whole night away...until 6AM!! WOW!!!  He DID admit that he wasn't over his ex...but said that they weren't together anymore....and soon after we began talking on the phone until late in the night...and soon after that we began dating.

All the while he was living with his mom was very quite elderly.  During this time she fell ill and in some months she died.  The pain for my "now ex" was unbearable...but b/c I had lost a parent he really felt that he could talk/lean on me.  He did ...and I was SO GLAD I could be there for him.

During the course of our relationship however I realized that he was still very SERIOUSLY and DEEPLY in love with his ex.  Her photos were still in a screen saver on his PC, there wre "happy" photos of them in his PSP and he carried a photo of her around in his knapsack.  Even though he said he loved me...he said I was SOOOO COMPLETELY different and better than she was...he also began to admit (after about 6 mos together) that he had a "door still opened" in his heart for her. 

When I got too much for me to bear three months ago I began to share with him my insecurities.  He became angry and told me that I NO RIGHT to tell him how fast or soon he would have to get over his ex.  We broke up for a few days but got back together a few days later.  He cried and told me he was sorry and that he wanted me back in his life. Truth is I had been staying over his place to help "comfort" him in the days after his mother's death. He had come to really want my company....really need my company. 

We slept together occasionally....and fooled around alot.  He liked me near him at night..but I think it was more because it was difficult for him to sleep without "a warm body" near him.   We went on and I tried SO HARD to forget that he still love his ex...but the signs were everywhere. I had even begun to feel ...when he looked at me... that he wished that "I" was she comforting him.

Well four nights ago he finally admitted that this was true.  He said that even though he enjoyed my company immensely he also had a "wonderful time" with his ex and he wished that she had the nurturing qualities that I had. He said that often when we were together he would think of her...and wish that I were she.  OUCH.  He told me that he thought it unfair of me to ask him to "be over her"...although at other times he told me that he really thought that our time together (our companionship) had the makings of an excellent marriage. 

Last couple of weeks I realized that he was becoming distant.  Truth is, he admitted, that she has been calling him again-- and this is JUST what he has been waiting for.  He told me though that he didn't want to "break up" but rather he hoped that we could stay together and I live with the fact that there was a 50-50/ or 80-20 chance that he would be with her. OUCH.....clearly he was not 100% sold out for me. 

I FINALLLY boldly told him that I needed and deserved more...that although he would not have my "good company" anymore...and I although I would miss him horribly...I had to pack my things and go.  Which I did.

He sent me what was supposed to sound like a "cordial" email the next day...but he bascially threatened ...in not so many words that if I wasn't around to keep him company....he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't go and be with his ex (An ex by the way who he had been apart from for other three years! - is he holding onto fantasy?).

The pain that feel is excrutiating. I fell deeply, deeply in love with this man...and the intimacy of death only drew me closer to him.  He SAID SO MANY THINGS in the course of this time to make me believe that he loved me...although he did have a hard time saying "I love You" much.  He had often admitted that he "has a 'kind of' love for me.  I poured out my soul caring for him...believing that we would marry (which he initiated)...only to realize that he loves this woman soooo very much. 

I love him enough that I want him to be happy with whomever it is that will make him happy.  It is ripping my heart apart however....and I have not felt this pain since HS days.  I keep playing the tapes in my head of "their" love together...imagining them rekindling and being so deeply happy.  I should be happy for him as I KNOW it will provide him more comfort.

I am hurting so much...and can't eat or sleep. The only thing worse than a man who doesn't love you at all....is a man who love you "just a little bit".  If I couldn't have his whole heart I had to let him go. 

The price for letting him go however is HIGH. I am devastated. 

WeepyGirl WeepyGirl
36-40, F
2 Responses Jun 9, 2007

Girl, move on and find someone who has love for you, ONLY you ! This fellow no matter what he said and did is never gonna be what you want . I have been there and it sucks. I am now married to a gr8 guy who loves ME and nobody else. You deserve your own Man!!

It is terrible that anyone should ever have to experience loss like this. Relationships should be a place of safety and hope, not doubt and suspicion. I hope that you find the strength and confidence to grow and move on from this, because everyone deserves someone who gives fully of themselves.