Why Now? Why Ever? The Last Thing I Needed Was To Fall In Love With My Best Friend.

Elle (not her real name of course) and I have been friends for almost five years now.  Over that time, we grew very close to one another; we became best friends.  We have now both begun our ungraduate education.  I'm one year ahead of her.  I still lived close to home when I went to school so I was able to visit her my first year.

Times were still good then.

Things began to change when Elle left for school in a completely different state.

Over the first semester I grew depressed and had horrible mood swings.  Oh I put on a good act, I don't think anyone noticed.  But the only thing that could make me truly happy was talking to her.  Yet even that stopped bringing satisfaction after a while, I had the growing desperate need to see her again.  I was completely taken aback my this complicated emotion.  Why was I getting so worked up about seeing her again?  Shouldn't I be at least a little excited to see my family and other friends?  My thoughts were completely consumed by her.  And then one night, about two weeks before break, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Oh my God, you freaking moron, you fell in love, I thought to myself.  I had no idea ho to react to this.  I was completely stunned.  When? I racked my brain for the answer to this question and I came to realize that I'd ALWAYS been in love with her.  I was screaming inside, all this time I'd been completely obsessed with her.  I was always there for her completely sympathetic and willing to sacrafice for her.  But always I felt unfulfilled.  I've never been in love with anyone before, so I guess I didn't recognize it.  I simply lived my life in a state of subconcious unrequited love. It tormented... torments me. 

Over break we hung out a few times, like the old times.  Elle had a new boyfriend as per usual.  Travis (not his real name) was tagging along.  I hated him.  The funny thing was, I had hated all her boyfriends, but they had all been absolute slime balls.  But Tavis, he was a good guy.  I think he and I would have been friends normally.  That was another huge tipoff.  All the other boyfriends had deserved my hatred, but Travis did not.  Why couldn't I be happy for her, that she found something that might be good for her?  Of course I knew the answer, but I was still struggling with my reality.

Well one night, after we had hung out watching movies, I freaked out.  I did something dumb, but it needed to be done.  I sent her a message on facebook.  Oh God it was dumb!  But I was going insane, abslotuely bat **** crazy.  I didn't ask for this! I didn't want this!  WHY?!

Anyways here's the message, slightly edited for details.

 I know things will work out for the better for you, you always land on your feet, but I’m stumbling right now. Elle, there’s something I’ve refused to admit to myself for years now, an invisible something that has both tortured me and boosted me.  There have been girls since I’ve met you that have had an interest in me.  Other girls that thought I was cute and charming etc etc.  But for the life of me I could not understand why I couldn’t be bothered to give them even the time of day.  I realized something since before break while I was at school where everyone was hooking up and seeking out relationships but me.  I’ve fallen in love with you, hell I fell in love with you the moment I met you. But again I refused to admit it to anyone, even myself.  Please don’t freak out about this, I know its probably a little shocking, but I’m not weird about it, I’ve just accepted it.  Don’t worry, I know you don’t return the feeling, I’m not going to beg or plead or any of that.  You know I’ve had my chances, boyfriend after boyfriend I’ve been absolutely content to stay on the sidelines, only wishing deeply and wholly for you to find happiness and to find someone that will love you as much as I do. But Elle, I can’t keep living like this.  You and I both know that I’ve got to fall out of love with you.  I need you to let me try.  I’ve got to forget your scent and smile, those eyes.  I need you out of my head!  Dear God, I cannot continue to live like this! So please please please as a favor to me, don’t call me, don’t talk to me don’t look at me.  I couldn’t take it, one glance or one word from your lips and I would shatter, left only with my broken soul.  I am still your friend, I still want nothing more than to make sure you are safe and happy.  Remember I will ALWAYS care about you, but I absolutely have to get over you.  I’ve spent the last 4 years as a prisoner in an invisible cage.  I haven’t been able to share my heart with anyone else because you’re holding it in the palm of your hand.  Elle you don’t understand how hard this is, I have tears streaming down my face right now, but please I need you to forget about me.  Completely forget I exist. PLEASE.  I don’t know when I’ll be able to talk to you only as a friend again.  Could be months or even years.  Just one day expect a phone call or a visitor, but for now this is good bye.  –(me)

Dumb right?  Its been nearly 10 days now. Shes called once.  I didn't answer.  She didn't leave a message.

Are things ruined?  I still want to be her friend, she has so few.  But I fear that my heart has completely destroyed what five years built up between us.

Seeking answers.

Desperately trying to break his own heart.

Yours Truly,


Andrius Andrius
18-21, M
18 Responses Jan 5, 2007

I just posted a story about being in the same situation and saw yours.
Have you got an update? That was a serious blunder on your part, turning your back to her like that. She was probably devastated and angry all at once having been suddenly and without warning, shunned by her best friend because he made an assumption about how she would react, and an assumption about whether or not the friendship can survive.
Believe me... I fell in love with my best friend, just as I was officially declaring my marriage dead. The situation is still far from over on both fronts. But I still have my best friend, she and I depend on each other's support and compassion heavily and are... as far as I know... still working very hard on keeping my unwelcome feelings of love for her from destroying what I've found to be the most wonderful, rewarding, giving, caring friendship I've ever had in my life.
See.... MY best friend isn't even remotely interested in any kind of romance with me. But I still have my best friend. My heart pounds for her all day, every day, screaming inside in despair and agony, and it's torture. But I have not lost the beautiful friendship that love was borne from.
And if I ever catch that bastard Cupid, I'll rip his frickin' balls off. Sonofabitch.

WOW!!! It's just like me!

ok sorry didnt give it a fare chance yes i read it just as i predicted not trying to be a *****,y cant ppl make up there mind when they dicide to go nito a relationship as frens they dont stay that way n e ways. really bad for u but i think its more sad she only called once, but if she value ur frenship she will find a way to get to u. but truth be told i think when bestfren r in love the other fren pretend not to know come n look at it u really hid it that gud for this long plz i refuse to believe that.

I DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO READ THIS JUST ONE THING TO SAY I hate most ppl believing in bestfrind love story. plz ppl if u like or love some one that dont feel the same way move on there is too much ppl out there life is so too short to wishing and hoping, the chance that u might want with the person someone out there is dieing for that chance with u .

I DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO READ THIS JUST ONE THING TO SAY I hate most ppl believing in bestfrind love story. plz ppl if u like or love some one that dont feel the same way move on there is too much ppl out there life is so too short to wishing and hoping, the chance that u might want with the person someone out there is dieing for that chance with u .

I hate facebook. I deleted one of my best friends from facebook because I am in love with him. He recently got a girlfriend and I cannot take it anymore. I love my friend. I do not know what to do when he calls me all of the time. I can never get him out of my head. I hope he does not hate me. I think he knows about my feelings...I feel horrible.

I feel the same way for my best friend... except i dont want to love him i just know it wont work out between us... And we have been best friends for over 2 years and we went to the same grade school up till 4th grade.. He told me the second time i saw him that he used to have a crush on me in grade school.. and he basically wanted to be my boyfriend 2 years ago..and i think i know he still wants to but I kinda dont show him the feelings that he shows me..<br><br />
<br><br />
But we are still best friends..nothing has changed and i think if you have been with best friends with this girl for 5 years she'll understand.. Do you really want to ruin your friendship with her, you can still be with her just not the way you would like to.. I hope you talk/ed to her..Best of luck to you!

I agree ... she might return your feelings, so return her call!!!

I agree ... she might return your feelings, so return her call!!!

Andrius,<br />
<br />
I too have lived thru a very similiar situation, my situation however is escalating because of the decision i made. I too fell in love with my best friend, and never said a word. We have been best friends for a very long time, we each dated other people then our serious relationships with other people began, all because we both were afraid to admit we loved eachother. Both of us got married within a few months from each other, we have been married to other people for a little over 2 years, and we have been having an affair with eachother for about 20 months. If there is one thing in life you should do, is tell someone when you are in love with them. I am in a horrible situation, because i love my husband, but i am really in love with my best friend. I hope this advice finds you well, and you take the step to call her, before it's too late.

I fully empathise with you. I fell in love with my best friend too. Here's my story: <br />
<br />
In the middle year 10, I met a boy called Jonathan (not his real name) who was 2 years younger than me and we made friends. Then towards the end of the year, when Jonathan and I were either good friends or best friends (can't remember which), we met Noel (again, not his real name). He became a good friend of ours and eventually we became a best friend trio. At first I was closer to Jonathan as he was much more open and easier to get along with, and Noel was pretty quiet, so I was more comfortable around Jonathan. But soon enough I liked them both equally. But before long, I got to know Noel much better (this was year 11, his year 10)and found that we were so similar and we were closer to each other than we were to Jonathan. We didn't leave Jon out or anything, we were just bestest friends and he was our other best friend. <br />
Well, something happened to Noel (we'd been phoning each other every night for a while), and I feared for his life. I won't say what happened, but when he phoned me he told me what happened, and for fear of it 'coming back' I feared for his life. It was then- my fear of losing him- that I realised I loved him. That intense, sickening feeling of terror for losing the one you love is such a horrible experience, I never want to feel that again. <br />
A while after that, when it was nearing our family holidays in the summer (this was the following year between my year 11 and 12, his 10 to 11) that we were dreading not seeing each other for 2 weeks and Noel told me about a dream he'd had, involving me dieing. And I'd told my one about him dieing. As a result of talking about me dieing, he started crying. That was when he told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. This was all over the phone, so we desperately wanted to be with each other, but couldn't. <br />
After that, we both knew how the other felt and in our text messages we could be affectionate, for example, "and just for being you, I love you :)" that was from Noel. I sent a similar one back to him. <br />
But soon into the following school year, he confessed over text message (he would have told me face to face but he thought he "may as well tell you now" as we were practically on the subject, just not regarding us) was attracted to me. He said "not so recently, I've become extremely attracted to you" and at that point, I realised he felt romantically for me and had just asked me out. He asked me to give it a think and to take my time. <br />
Well we went out for just less than 10 months. At first it was wonderful. We both had the courage to be more kiss each other, which we'd wanted to do as best friends, on the cheek and other non-romantic places, but going out 'allowed' us to. And for a while, it was best time of my life. We had our ups and downs (reasons are in another of my stories, ask if you want to know) but in the last few months of our relationship, he had changed so much we had become virtually incompatible. This ripped me apart. I felt like I had lost the one I truly loved. <br />
<br />
Well, it's been 8 months since I last spoke or saw him. We broke up last July. I still think of him, but I only love the memories, and even that is getting less and less. I'm with Robin (not his real name, either) now and I really like him. We met at my 18th last January and I joined his friend group. I was good friends with his best friend, Richard (fake name, again) and knew a couple of others from the group (school and had met another but never spoken to him). Robin and I are close friends, but we both have our best friends and our relationship is from really liking each other- being attracted to the looks and personality- and he has been messed up from his prev. relationship. It's not love, but we really like each other. My best friend is now Katy (not her real name) who is my 2nd cousin and also part of 'the group' (what we call our friend group). <br />
<br />
In conclusion, I often wondered whether going out with my best friend was the best thing to do- it was both wonderful and heart breaking. <br />
<br />
My advice to you is to get in touch with her and talk to her about it. She may feel the same way about you, or partly. But, whether she's in love with you or not, she will have some sort of feelings for you as you were best friends. To suddenly cut her off like that, I believe that may have out of fear, which lead you to making an irrational decision. You must be strong enough to face this. This may cause you to fear love in the future. You need to sort it out as soon as possible.

I'd say that the one thing you need to do, is to give her, her own identity. What do I mean by that? You tell her, that she doesn't return your feelings. You command her to leave you alone and accuse her of basically shattering you. You put an awful lot of responsibility on her shoulders for how you are feeling. Even if you believe that you are meant to be, then you should also have faith that the same power that destines for you to be together will follow through.<br />
<br />
If you really didn't want to hurt her (and it feels like you lashed out a bit at her) you can simply say that I know we're great friends, and I care a lot about you, but I need time to figure out myself right now, because what I'm feeling right now is painful for me though no fault of your own".<br />
<br />
You almost tell her you're suicidal and that she's responsible...and beg her to leave you alone when that wasn't required to get the distance you want. Save confessions for church and a therapist...when you feel this way about someone, be yourself, but remember this:<br />
<br />
All love is conditional based on the condition of how that person feels about us when they fall for us and if we don't meet the expectation, then we fall out of love. It hurts a lot man I know from experience, and it seems like it doesn't end, but develop a personal philosophy that accepts responsibility for your life and to give others the freedom to live theirs as they will, and you will find yourself a lot happier.<br />
<br />
I expect part of the effect you were going for by telling her all the intimate ways you think about her and have waited for her (note: women are not amusement park rides, you are not guaranteed a turn if you think of yourself as waiting in line or standing by)., that you were hoping she'd be bowled over and give it a chance...well if she isn't attracted to you, the type of things you talk about come off as very unbalanced, you are not projecting yourself as someone that is mentally stable and capable of being with her. <br />
<br />
Oh and definitely you should have written this down beforehand to figure out what you wanted to say...but you should have said it in person. E-mail is such an impersonal way of expressing such things, it's almost offensive to many people when it concerns things this close to us.

She may not understand why you need this space, but as a long time friend, at least she deserves the chance to talk this thing through face to face. You HAVE to be strong enough to do that, for the sake of the friendship you say that you want to preserve. To be cut off without warning, from a best friend is devastating. Call her. You CAN do this.

Whatever you do... do not let your friendship die. Even though though you ultimately want to be special to her - to be loved by her, if she doesn't feel the same way, I am truly sorry when I say that being her closest friend is the closest you can get. Even if she doesn't feel the same way about you, you should still stay in touch and hang out. However, you won't know anything about her feelings until you talk to her.<br />
I would say that being honest about your feelings with your best friend, even though your feelings were about your best friend, was a good decision. Even though she knows how you feel, there's no rule that says she has to treat you in an unusual manner. If she doesn't feel the same way, ask for her to keep acting like she always does. Your still the same person... you just love her.

u HAVE to answer that phone soon because she might feel the same way towards u she might love u but she never had the guts to tell u because SHE was afraid to ruin u guys friendship. u said ur friendship lasted years? yeah thats how she most likely feels. okay i wish u good luck and happiness in ur life lilfallenangel

Call her. Seriously. If has been your best friend for that long, she'll understand. I'm sorry that I can't offer you any more advice, but that has happened to me before with my best male friend. I called him, and we talked about it. We are best friends again, and we talk all the time like we used to. I hope everything works out for you!

Andreaus,<br />
Ah, wow.. I've been there...<br />
<br />
I have to write up my story to post today since I just found this site...<br />
<br />
I though, am a female who has had a male best friend for now 2 years. Becoming best friends like we have, does crazy things to the heart. He though, was just out of a serious relationship and met me. We have TONS in common this that, and he took me by whirlwind. The thing that he secretly withheld was, he was burying his heart deep in order not to get hurt or too close. I was then the girlfriend but yet had the label as only "best friend"...<br />
I will never forget our wonderful memories, we had so many crazy times, but like you... I spoke too soon and opened up. Maybe we are the better people opening up. I confessed that I had fallen in love while we were having a 3 hour dinner after snowboarding and over a bottle of wine , I let out my feelings.<br />
<br />
He never really shut me down but just said, I don't feel romantically like that towards you, I can't get over my last relationship. For months that went on, we'd be together, swear off being kissy but yet end up all over each other... <br />
I wrote a few emails like yours in the 2 years..swearing I'd never speak to him again, vice versa, he'd contact me maybe a week later, sometimes days later . My friends used to think he was dense or trying not to realize what I was asking...<br />
But after those emails, we'd eventually come back together. Even if we hadn't spoken in a month. <br />
I love him deeply as well and for simplistic things as the company /conversations we used to share over tea together ..definitely unlike any other girl ..but oh well right? lol<br />
<br />
Let me know how your experience goes.. Best of luck

andreaus i had the exact same thing and that she didnt leave a message is good but my friend do no t exsept anything. if things work out i say horah for you, but ife is not nice and she probally just wants to be friends. Im sorry but life aint fare and the friend ship wont be the same.