Cinderella Syndrome

I hate looking back at myself.  I cannot believe how ridicuously naive and stupid I was.  Nor can I accept how bitter, depressed and frustrated I have become.  Everyone told me that he was not a nice person, my family hated him, my friends hated him, even his own family told me stories that should have scared me off.  I wanted so badly to believe that they just didn't know him the way I  did.  And that was true to a point, thank God.  If they had known, half the truth, if they knew even now......

Basically it is this,  for 23 years I was dumb enough to stay in an abusive relationship because I just wanted someone to love me and he told me he did.  Problem being, neither of us had a clue what love was.  In my view, it was happily ever after.  No, I did not expect to never have any problems, but neither did I expect to constantly be treated like a piece of crap.  I did not expect to have to give up my family and friends, my job, my life, my home. I did becaused I believed that if I showed him that I was willing to do whatever he wanted that he would understand how much I truly loved him and he would eventually love me back. 

What a joke.... I showed him that I was a stupid naive little doormat and that is exactly how he treated me.  By the time I accepted that he was a lousy husband and no force on this earth was ever going to make him love me, we had three children.  So I lied to myself again and said at least he is a decent father, despite the fact that he asked me repeatedly were they really his. (I have to say at this point that I would give my very soul to be honestly able to say any or all of them weren't.  Unfortunately it was his own guilty conscience that prompted him to accuse me of the same crap)  He is very interested in his children and involved in everything they do.  I wanted my children to have the one thing that I never had and that was a decent father.  But they were mere possessions in his book, and he had a tight grip on everything that belonged to him.  He was beyond strict.  I hate myself for allowing him to treat them the way he has.  It was only after seeing that it wasn't just me he hurt with cruelty and humiliation.  I wasn't the only one affected by his infidelity.  When they started calling him on his lies he would make up more lies and twist and manipulate his stories so that they would believe them....but they didn't. They caught on to him and they caught him bold face lying and it hurt them so much that he not only did the things that he was doing, but that he would insult them by thinking that they were stupid enough to believe his lies. They were not as dumb as their mother. 

 Now they avoid him, they don't trust him.  The youngest even goes so far as to say she hates him and as soon as she is legally able she will never speak to him again.  He blames me.  And in a way, I do too.  I should not have covered for him all those years.  I should have protected them by getting them out of there while they were still young, before I would be unable to hide his abuse, before they could see his cruelty and suffer the consequences of his behavior.  I should have realised that once I was out of the line of fire, that he would hit the next available target..them.

drbeetlemeyer drbeetlemeyer
41-45, F
Jun 25, 2007