On My Mind Forever and a Day

Let me apologize for the length of this up forward. There are absolutely things I ommitted for I could write forever about her.

I met the apple of my eye last october at a hallowe'en party at a pub. I had never met her before in my life, she had recently moved to my area but luckily she made common mates which gave me enough confidence to approach her. After we talked for awhile over alcohol and cigarettes, she offered me a ride home in her car. i also got her number. for weeks/almost a month i was afraid to call this girl back, hoping i would see her randomly again through our mutual acquaintances. When one day I was surprised to discover she added me as a friend on one of them profile community sites. I felt this was the oppurtunity to finally contact her, and did, and we met up the next night to hang out and smoke. I ended up seeing her 4-5 times in the following weeks, and constantly messaging and calling each other. Finally one weekend she came to pick me up so we could go out and drink with a few mates. At some point in the evening, when we were partying at her flat, she leaned in and whispered "so are you going to stay here the night?" Obviously I did

We went on to have a relationship that lasted for about 5 months, I considered it the happiest days of my life. In the early spring of this year, we began having problems and arguing every day for a week on the phone and even in public. Eventually she broke up with me on a Friday. I spent the next week in absolute hell. Insomnia, Depression, Anxiety, wondering what I had done wrong. Finally the following saturday I convinced her to go out for a meal with me alone, and I proceeded to tell her how I would stop at nothing short of realigning the planets for her if I was able, and she meant more to me than anything in my life (i was working 2 jobs at the time.)

She told me I was a very nice guy, but that she thought of me only as a friend. She also said because I was such a great person, she was not able to completely cut me off after our breakup as she did with her previous boyfriends. Meanwhile, I was thinking to myself how depressing it would be that I could no longer shag this woman, because she looked GOOD that night.

It turned out I was fortunate enough to make love to her several more times over a period of a few months, though she confessed to me that she saw me as her "best friend" and did not know if it would ever amount to more than that. It seemed that I was seeing her more often during this time than I was during our relationship, and despite our sexual activity, I never assumed (or you could say I was afraid to ask) it meant a continuation of our relationship, instead I summized it was just a "friend with benefits" situation.

Then one night not too long ago, we had a big fight that I totally did not see coming, and she started saying things about how I was doing stuff that made relationships not work. Double shock. Not only was I in damage control mode at the time, I was also surprised by her revelation she still considered me a "boyfriend" The next few days were full of angry, sobbing phone calls, mostly by me. She would get upset if I would bring up anything about her and I, unless she bought it up first, at which point I had no choice but to discuss it despite my mental and emotional readiness (a recurring theme, it seemed to me, throughout the whole time I knew her, not just at THAT time). 

Reconciliation happened faster though the second time. I was still guarded about considering it as a "more than mates thing" but part of me was ecstatic that I possibly won her back once again. She proceeded to remind me in short order that she is no longer my girlfriend for the time being, but she still thinks highly of me as a person and wants to know me for the rest of her life.

I still see and/or talk to this girl pretty much every day. Movies, tea, going out to dinner, or just hanging out driving around aimlessly...every second I'm with her is the best thing thats ever happened to me. The excitement that comes over me when we make plans to get together is akin to watching a favorite football team win that big derby match. We get along famously. But I'll always want more. We mutually agreed that it was fine to see other people if either of us meet someone. Although she has not ruled out the possibility of us getting back together in the future. I know in my heart of hearts though, that she will 100% be the first one of us to court a new significant other, as I cannot fathom the idea of loving anyone else.

From the moment I first laid eyes on her, before I had any idea we would be in a relationship, I felt differently about this woman than I ever had for another. I wish I was rich so I could buy her (and me) cars so we could see each other any day or any time we pleased. I want to bribe all her professors so she can graduate from college. I want to swoop in and save her from a potentially traumatic experience. I want her at my side through everything I go through, be it a memorable and significant event or even the most mundane of everyday life activities. I want to call her all the time. I stare at my celly late at night, clinging to the faint hope that it will ring and it will be her. Sometimes (though very rare) she does.

Let it ring through the ages! I could write it a million times over and not tire over it.                                                                      I   L O V E   Y O U

terry26blues terry26blues
22-25, M
1 Response Jul 1, 2007

I am at a loss. Very very similar situation as I am in at the moment. I find myself forcing to keep myself detatched so I don't get hurt