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Why Did He Pretend?

I was with him for 15 years.  I walked in on him with another woman.  He left that night and never spoke to me again.  15 years over without a goodbye, sorry, explanation.  I didn't know it was possible to feel so worthless.  I asked him the last time I spoke to him, on the phone, just after he had left - I asked him just to come back to sort things out, the practical stuff, or to try and explain.  He said there was no point and she had said if he did she would leave him.  He wouldn't even say goodbye. 

I never tried to speak to him again.  I got rid of most his stuff when I moved.  He had been seeing her for most of the time we had been together.  Suddenly so much made sense.  Everyone knew but me.  And her in fairness - he had told her he was my lodger.  He had led a double life for all the time we had been together and he had never loved me.  And We had been through much together, I had made many sacrifices.  I loved him more than anything.  I still miss him every day.  What hurts the most is that the man I loved, and what I miss, was never real, it never even existed.  Which also makes it easier in some ways, there is no way back, nothing to mend, nothing in reality to miss, as there wasn't a moment when he wasn't lying. 

But I don't get why, and it makes me scream inside.  Now I know that he in fact taunted me, tortured me, enjoyed his powerful and sadistic position, he would tell me I was mad when I questioned why so much did not make sense.  He never loved me.  I wish he could have even just liked me enough not to destroy fifteen years of my life for no apparent reason.  ******* mad.

 

muggle muggle 31-35 3 Responses Nov 7, 2008

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I feel the same way as I do. I feel that I would rather not breathe any more than to live this life that I have. I need help.

Thank you. It is really comforting to share in this way, the people I know have less capacity to listen than I do to go over and over and over how I was so stupid. I think that happens, people try, but then they understandably just want you to move on, and I can't yet.<br />
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The problem I have now is if someone doesn't phone me exactly on time or something, sends me into orbit. I feel suspicious all the time, because I didn't know people could pretend so well for so long before. I will keep trying though!

THis is awful, i'm sorry you had to go through that....I know there's no words to say that can make you feel better, I just want to say that you'll probably find someone that will value you for who you are. Your trust for men has probably vanished I know, and hopefully your pain and confusion will be left behind soon.<br />
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Sincerely, and i will be there for you to ven if you need!<br />
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DHG