15 Years of Heartache Has Finally Turned to Numbness


I didn't know you could feel alive as I did with this person in my life. We met one night when he joined a group of my college friends to go out for the 4th of July. For months after we were inseperable. This is the only time in my life that I have awoken excited about my day. I remember bouncing out of bed, eagar to experience another wonderful day. I didn't even realize how he was affecting me until he went away and there was this huge void. I followed him (across country), thinking that he too would want to hold onto what we had together. But, he was done with me and ready to move on to his next "conquest", I guess. Our relationship did continue for a while but was never the same.  A year and a half after we met, I informed him that our baby was on the way. Six months later he paid me a visit, which would be the last time I would see him for 15years. 

Sometimes I wish I had never felt as good as I did at times with him, because maybe then, I would be more content with feeling blah. Ignorance is bliss and all that. I have finally stopped hurting after all these years, but now feel numb.

I do have a wonderful teenage son, as a result of my experience with him.  And I have had a few other minor, unsuccessful relationships since, but nothing close.  My life is now spent just trying to survive. The young person who once believed things would "work out", is now over the proverbial hill and careening down the other side, just trying to survive till she hits the end.

CrushedPuppy CrushedPuppy
36-40, F
2 Responses Jul 4, 2007

I want to tell you that I have lived with a man for 15 years and been cheated on repeatedly throughout our relationship. I have never "caught" him but I know that it goes on from time to time. He is never satisfied with what he has even though there is nothing that he could ever want for that he is not receiving within our home. I have been there for him emotionally, as a friend and lover, financial support, manual labor, cooking, cleaning, laundry, gopher, basically anything he has needed to do or required a helping hand...I have been there for his needs. I have supported him in times that he was out of work, gone out in the middle of the night to get a special food item he was wanting, etc. I took care of him after a devastating auto accident where he was incapacitated for over 6 months and had to learn how to walk again and I have put up with more verbal and emotional abuse than I ever imagine existed in the world. I never knew that so much evil could exist within one human being. <br />
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He is very charming, but also very calculating and manipulative. He seeks out women that are vulnerable and knows tat he will be able to trap him in his snare with kind words and words that any woman would want to believe. He truly makes a woman feel like a queen until he gets to the point of no return and grows tired. He will then begin to seek out another "victim." I have had money twice in my relationship with him and yep, you guessed it, he had no problem helping me spend it wherever he could. <br />
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We are not young kids. I am 57 and he is 1 year my junior. We both have 3 children and I raised my two youngest in our home during the 15 year relationship. Recently he has decided that he wants me to leave. He spends as little as possible time with me and is out ever chance he gets riding his motorcycle and ... you guess it again, hitting on women that are "biker" women and willing to buy into his crap. I met one of these women last night when I visited a local establishment that he frequents. He was there ... sitting at a table with her and she had no idea I existed til I walked in the door. I got more dirty looks than I ever deserved...I am a very docile and peaceful person, not looking to be the center of any degree of disdain or uproar. Eventually I was able to talk to "the" woman and her two friends and make my position clear in order to divert a situation that could have turned violent. It was uncomfortable at best. I am sure at this point today, that I don't want to stay in this house we have shared...he supposedly bought it for me. I seriously doubt that. <br />
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I am devastated by his activities and his ability to present amazement when I suggest that he has done anything to make me feel like less of a person than what I am and have been for the entirety of our relationship. It is probably the most sickening feeling that I know. I think about wasting 15 years of my life fully believing that he cares/cared...he just had a hard time being open with his feelings. I am at a point now, where I have a few material items, but I have just started a new job a week ago...money is low; and I have no car or really even a place to go to when I leave this hell I live in. I have never felt so invalidated in my life. If I wasn't here, so many things would have never been possible, but he has become a person that I don't even know anymore. I look at him and I see evil, I see a wicked person with no regard for anyone other than himself and of course...those that are nothing more than casual friends or others that can possibly assist him in getting a little higher on life's ladder. He is a pathological liar and tells 3 lies to cover any of his initial lies. He has NO reason to lie. I am an open minded person...I just don't want to share the person I have been attracted to with anyone else. There is no requirement in life that says we are supposed to share one another with other people., at times I feel vengeful, other times just plain worn out and I don't want to fight with anyone.,...I am sad and at times feel like I have been crushed. I don't understand why, where I can go from here, or even how to go about starting over. I see now....I still care about me and quite possibly (because he is incapable), he has never learned at any point in his life that he has ever cared for a woman in his life. <br />
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So very sad....

Ask yourself, Am I better than where I've allowed myself to be? Do I deserve to have a happy and fulfilled life? Do I consider myself a great catch to anyone I meet? Would they feel honored just know that I know them. Is this the only life I've got. <br />
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If you've answered yes to those questions, then tomorrow when you get out of bed you should be even more excited than you were when you met that person that did not deserve all those years ago. Tell yourself everyday that you are greater than the place you are and everyday you will find yourself growing strong and feeling more confident.