I May Sound Like I'm Whining.....but

I love him so much and he says he loves me, but it's not enough. He doesn't love me like I need to be loved. He has broken my trust and I don't think I can believe him anymore. When he tells me I'm beautiful I dont believe him. When he tells me he loves me I dont believe him any more. He used to be the only person in the world I could truly be my self with. I could be naked with all my fat and still feel comfortable. I could act silly dance and joke and feel good... no great about my self. Not any more. I don't want to leave because I love him so damn much, but I don't like myself anymore, I don't think I even know who I am anymore. I forgive him for what he did but I can't forget as hard as I try. When we got together he told me he loved big girls he has only had a relationship with one small person in his life, so obvisouly I believed him. Well let me tell you first that I know I am no better than anyone else, but I would like to think some one that I love and is supposed to love me would think that I'm better than a drug addicted *****(literally) whith hepatitis, five illigitamate children that have been taken away, and says she wants them back but does not change her ways or even try. So now that I have that off my chest let me continue with the story. We had a roommate who was bipolar and he ended up in the hospital, he met this girl in the mental hospital and brought her home. Well she would flirt with Ian(my man) and stare at him. But I trusted him, because I believed the things he said to me. Well one night I had gone to bed and my kids said they stayed up talking. Which bothered me a little. Afew days later he told me he didnt love me any more then the next day he said he didnt know what he was talking about he did. So a few days later he made up this story about his dad being in an accident and called me home from the dr.'s office. When I got back he met me outside with a damn note that said he wanted me and my kids out now or he was going to call the police. It said it was not because he wanted to be with brandy.(big lie) So we left, she left with me and he would call her, when she went back to the house to see her boyfriend (our roommate), she said he made a move on her. She told him I no because shanna loves you and blah blah blah...Then he went crazy breaking things saying no one loved him and all that. Afew days later he called me and said not one loved him. I explained to him that he had someone who loved him and he threw it away. So anyway obviousy we got back together. I wanted to know why he wanted to be with her because she is all the I mentioned before. I may be fat but I am beautiful inside and out. And he said because she wasnt as big as me. OMG can you belive that? So I tell him I want to start smoking Ice to loose weight and he agreed. WHAT.....Yea! well i didnt but I cant believe he would agree to it. I should have left then,,, I know but I dont know maybe it was my selfesteem or my need not to be alone. I stayed he apoligized over and over. And has never done any thing remotley close to that again, But it changed me, I dont feel beautiful anymore, he wanted someone like that over me, I am a genuine person who loves and cares, I am a good mother and I treated him good. Its been two years and I cant get over it I see something on tv or hear a song on the radio and it all comes back to me. I get angry, and hurt all over again. I need to know how to get over it. I want to be able to feel beautiful again to act sexy with him and be the person I used to know and like. Just talking about it makes me cry. I need some advice please help. Help me find myself, Shanna
shannaluvsian shannaluvsian
36-40, F
3 Responses Jul 7, 2007

Being alone means not only loneliness, but also some kind of freedom. I don't think I know much about love for being a Chinese college student. However, I just believe all that love brings to us should be the reason of happiness and delight. You can be the person who decides your own life. Never try to make your lover stay by changing yourself. If he really loves you, he will understand it. Don't make stories by yourself to explain what he did to you. He will not be moved by your effort. (the reality proves so) You are much stronger beyond your imagination. You are the host of your joy. You have the right to choose. So what are you waiting for?

O M G!! a person should love u for who u are, weather you have a bit of weight or not.<br />
u are still beautiful in your heart, and thats wot he should see.<br />
He's the Loser not u.<br />
From Feflower

i hardly know anything about your relationship but i don't think i need to know any more than i do to say you should leave him immediately. what he did was unforgivable - & staying with someone like that is not going to help you find yourself. i know how horrible it feels not to know who you are, let alone whether you like yourself, but you won't figure any of that out with him. let go off him. maybe spend some time alone for a while, find out who you are when it is just you by yourself. that way, when you go into your next relationship you'll have a better sense of yourself. i believe healthy relationships can only occur when both involved are happy with themselves. whatever you do, though, please leave him. & if you need someone to talk to & to care, i'm always here.