Trying to Forget But Can't..

Sadly my only experiences with passionate love have only ended for the worse. I've can't really explain it, people wouldn't call me "unattractive" exactly, the same can be probably said of my personality. I just have been recently assuming that this has all been one long string of misfortune. I'm 22 years old, will be graduating college next year, never really had a girlfriend so it's pretty safe to say I don't really have any experience with these things so please bear with me.

I met a girl five months ago on campus. We never met before adding to the fact that we're different majors, and only through being members of a club on campus that I had the chance to meet her. I've gotten to know (and now became friends) with other college peers who are close people she considers family.

Both of us volunteered to be dancers for the cultural dance performances hosted by our club, coincidentally she became my dancing partner and during which I've gotten to know her more. That's when I started to fall for her, I guess I could say we were so similar in our personality and demeanor. Meanwhile, our club hosted a dance on campus, both of us had a really great time dancing together, I never really was good at social dancing but I exceeded my expectations that night. I asked her to dance with me throughout, line dancing, swing, you name it. But when the slow dance songs played I sat on the sidelines intending to sit it through since I've never really slow danced before, she walked up to me and asked if she wanted to dance with me. It was that moment and afterward that I was pretty sure that she had deeper feeling for me... or so I hoped she felt that way.

A few days later, still upbeat from that dance night before, I happened to see her at a guest speaker forum on campus, I eventually asked her out for coffee at the end of the lecture, just a random out of the blue thing (which actually took a lot of balls from my part and personal experience). We had drinks at the Starbucks on campus, and we talked for what seemed a very long time before the dance practice that day.

But something happened, she seemed to have lost interest in me as a guy she'd want to date... I've asked her a couple of times to be together, she gave me answers other than yes (too busy, I've got something going on that day, etc.) Even tried asking her if she wanted a ride home since we both found out we live only a couple of blocks apart.

I just started to feel like she didn't want to be alone with me; I really wanted to make her feel comfortable and try to show her that I was an alright kind of guy. At the same time my boss from my work was hosting a fashion show at a trendy nightclub and I could invite friends. I invited some mutual friends of ours and when I asked her if she would like to go with us. She said that she might, confused by the answer I found out from one of my friends that she met a guy in her French class and agreed to go on a date with him the same night of that fashion show.

So basically, she chose another guy over me. That's what hurts so much, I've had something similar happened to me in the past but nothing that seemed to shout out this obvious. The following day was the dance we had to perform that was hosted by our club. There was free food and dancing afterwards, and it was also the most embarrassing moment of my life just waiting to unfold. Michael Jackson's song 'Thriller' was playing and I asked her if she could dance with me in front of a lot of the club members and our closest mutual friends, she bluntly refused saying that she doesn't dance to these songs (my confusion exacerbated by the fact that she actually danced to crazier songs than 'Thriller' that other night), she told me maybe later. So I did just that, I asked her to dance again during the slow songs and it was so different... I could see it in her eyes that she didn't really want to this. She ended the dance short and that, there, and then I knew it was over...  it really hurt my self-confidence for weeks after. Especially after four days later, she officially went into a relationship with that other guy. They're still together and happy I might add. I know jealousy is considered an ultimate sin in my religion, but for a while afterwards I couldn't help it but feel it and at the same time also feeling guilty for being jealous.

My mind has been going in so many directions over the past few months, sometimes I want to forget about her, but I can't. It was one the worst things to happen to me. Thinking about it, in only a span of little over a month: I fell in love, felt really sure that she liked me, got confused, got rejected, humiliated, and ultimately been chosen over another guy. This has been one of the most heartbreaking emotional rollercoaster I've ever been on for sure, yet I'm sure I'll get over it someday, hopefully soon enough...
tokomo22 tokomo22
22-25, M
Jul 8, 2007