High School Called: They Want Their Drama Back!

Okay, so for the past few months I have had many life altering experiences. I quit my job of three years to go back to college to start pharmacy school, moved back to my hometown, and broke up with my boyfriend of six years. Yeah, I know, six years is a long time. So anyway, this is where the love someone who doesn't love me comes in. For the past year (maybe more). I have been extremely unhappy with my boyfriend. Not to get into too much detail, because that is not what this blog is about, but we were stuck in a rut that neither of us could pull out of, and I had plans in the back of my head to break up with him once we moved back home. But, in the beginning of June I met this guy. We were at a party and I got enough of a buzz to get over my shyness, so I started flirting, and chatting it up with him. We stayed up all night long just talking about life. Through this conversation I learned things that I really didn't like to hear, but it was surprising how similar we were. He just got divorced after a 6 year relationship, he has strong feelings for a friend that lives in another state, and he is in college too! Come to find out we have Calculus together this summer. (Which I'm failing b/c he is distracting!) After talking all night, we went for a drive up to the local college to watch the sun rise from a fire escape, then went to eat breakfast. Sounds pretty romantic huh?...but no physical contact. So of course I start to crush on him. The next day I check my myspace, he has sent me a friend request, given me his phone number, and asked me to go hiking with him the next day. And, I was like, yeah sure...so I lied to the boyfriend about my plans, and the new guy (We'll call him Tim) and I went hiking. It was nice, but absolutely no physical contact again. So I was like yeah...we are totally just going to be friends. Well by the end of the week we had talked a couple more times through myspace, and for some reason this just gave me enough courage to break up with the boyfriend. So I did. I packed up everything expensive, called into work for the next day, and took my dog and went home. Before I was out of the driveway, I had sent Tim a text for us to hang out. So we went out that weekend to a movie. I was trying to get a little flirty in the movie, but it didn't work. So, as soon as the movie was over and we were back in his car, I blurted out that I broke up with my boyfriend. That night, Tim and I got drunk and had sex (or at least tried to)! It wasn't drunk sex though...it was soft, and gentle, and loving. The kind you have with someone you have feelings for. The same thing happened the following weekend, same kind of slow, sensual, passionate sex. You know the kind where you spend 4 hours just feeling eachother's fingers on the other's body (even if it's not sexual parts...you all have dirty minds...this isn't penthouse forum!) while you kiss, and you just feel this electricity go through your body. Well anyway, my mind is foggy about when all these conversations happened, but towards the beginning of us getting to know each other, he made it clear that his intentions were to move out of state after he graduates college in August (particularly to the state where the above mentioned friend lives to see if things can happen with her), and that him and I are strictly in a friends with benefits relationship. So while all this is pouring out into the open I am falling more in love with him. Why? Psychologically, because I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable because I think it is a challenge, but really he is not even close to a jerk he is a great guy. Not only does he have a steady job, a house, two cars, plenty of money, he is honest (sometimes to a fault), he has strong morals (he wouldn't have anything to do with me until he knew I was single), he's brilliant (in the computer nerd, program writing, new hardware designing, sort of way), and he's motivated. Basically everything my ex was not. He is such a catch, and you should see his resume. Man! But the problem is his actions do not match his words. He says he wants to be in this friends with benefits situation, but we are acting less and less like "just friends". You don't squeeze someone tight like you never want to let go if they are your friend, you don't kiss them on the forehead, you don't gaze into their eyes and smile, you don't cradle their head in your hands while you kiss them, you don't call them hun when they are crying because they failed their calculus test, and you don't say you are in an "open relationship" on facebook (Yeah...I was freaking out for a while because I though the open relationship was with the other girl, but then I got brave enough to ask...and it was me!). You just don't do that stuff. But then other times he can be so cold towards me. When I leave his house, we never hug...kiss...nothing...it's strictly bye...see you in class tomorrow...drive safe. Ugh! Never will he hold my hand, never will he cuddle with me while we are asleep. It is such mixed messages. But, he has put up with a lot to stay around me. My ex sent him this crazy message, pretty much blowing my cover about how much I liked him, and told him some stupid lie about how I was doing drugs, which I'm not, and how Tim should hope that he never meets him in a dark alley. I really think the ex is very emotionally unstable and probably needs some professional help, but still Tim chose to still hang with me, and I think that shows a lot. I mean we have just known each other for a little over a month, and the ex's craziness did not scare him away. That's got to mean something, right? So also I've been doing a little myspace investigating, and found out that the friend from another state, is dating some dude now, it seems like they dated before and are back together. So it seems like Tim might be out of luck for now with the other girl. Also, Tim got a job offer in the state where the girl is living and he turned it down because the "money wasn't good enough"...sure...a couple of weeks ago he was moving there because when he went to visit her a few months ago he just fell in love with the state, no matter if he had a chance with her or not, and now he's looking at a job that is about as far away as he can get. PUH-LEASE! Likely story. So anyway...fast forward to now. We see each other in class every single day. Every night I go to his house to study, and yes most of the time we just study, then we are together on the weekends for "extra-curricular activities." So, I don't know what is going on with us. The sex is still very sweet and loving, but sometimes I just think that is his personality, or his lack of experience shining through. He has never had a friend with benefits before, so maybe he doesn't know that it should be rough, hair-pulling, 20 minute long, then we study calculus sex. I mean before me the last person he had sex with was his wife. Maybe... I'm just reading too much into it. But really I don't know what I want from him either. Sometimes I daydream about a future with him, sometimes I think about how many tears I will shed when/if he moves, but other times I'm like yeah, I don't want a stinking boyfriend, they are too much trouble, and I can't mac on all the other guys who are hitting me. Sorry for that...I've just lost a bunch of weight...so my self-esteem is pretty high b/c guys are noticing me again! Yay! Back on subject, I just want to tell him how I feel, how strong my feelings are for him, but I'm so scared I will scare him off, and I want to spend every second that I possibly can with him, because I know our time is limited. I don't want him to move. I would move with him if he asked me. I want him to want me back. I want him to feel the same way that I do. I think he may have at lease a weaker version of my feeling for hime but he is so hard to read, but is that even what I really want...


Sidebar: The funny thing about this whole situation is I met a guy a couple weeks after I met Tim, and he broke up with his girlfriend of six years for me, and he is totally way more into me than I am into him. Life is ironic. Don't you think. LOL

hellome hellome
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 10, 2007

Something similar happened to me except for the whole married and divorced situation.<br />
The guy I couldn't read that i fell for found out that the girl he was crushing on was unavailable the same way your Tim found out that his girl was taken.<br />
I broke up with my long time boyfriend and i stayed with my version of 'Tim'<br />
but things didn't end up very well.<br />
For months i stayed stuck on him...<br />
And he would be cold with me... he was THE SAME type of 'great guy' that Tim was with you.<br />
But i really agree with Bellezza...<br />
You do deserve a lot better...<br />
You need to find a better guy and believe me you WILL find better especially with the losing weight thing...<br />
just don't be naive and rush through everything like you did with Tim.<br />
<br />
Learn from your mistakes... i know i did no matter how much the process of letting go of 'my Tim' took...<br />
i still think about him and I sometimes even though i try not to...<br />
I still haven't found another but that is because i have been choosing not to but you and I will get over it!<br />
<br />
pfft i look to good to be stuck on a guy that is really not THAT into me.! LMAO!<br />
<br />
good luck

you have to ask yourself "what do i really want truly?" and then go and get it. Sure this guy seems sweet but thats cause he is getting what he wants. All the benefits of a girlfriend without the commitment. but girl seriously i read a great book called "hes just not that into you' changed my life. <br />
you deserve better in my opinion