Growing Pains

When it comes to me I might just be naive but I don't believe it started out this way. I came convinced he loved be when we started dating but along the way something changed. It wasn't one of those love at first sight things but it was pretty close. We met one even while I was just out walking the dog. We exchanged words and numbers but I never really expected him to call. But he did, every day after the first time we had seen on another. I introduced him to most of my family and they met him with rave reviews. You see I am not one to date in the first place, and when I do I never bring them around since they don't usually stay. But this man seemed to be the exception to all the rules I had laid down to keep myself safe. Some how he bypassed that this and became part of my everyday life. I craved him, took care of him, cooked, cleaned, laid with him, and saw him off in the morning when he went to work. It seemed like I was finally going to become the little wife I had always seen myself as but then something happened. I was able to get back in touch with a cousin I hadn't seen or heard from in over twenty years. When I felt to see my cousin the first time he almost came along but was unable to go because of work. i could kick myself for the second trip I made to see my dear cousin. He for what ever reason seemed jealous or even resentful of the fact I didn't stay to be with him. We talked on the phone as soon as I returned but it was obvious by his absence for the next couple of days that something was wrong. When he did come by he did stay only ate and spent a little time around the house watching tv. The second time was after about a week and he did stay all night. And when we made love it was more passionate then it had ever been, it must have been the guilt filled undertones. Then even his calls became fewer his visits no existent. Soon I felt like I had not choice, the only thing I could think to do when his phone was turned off in the middle of the day was check its messages. I don't think he knew I could do that. Since he had led me to believe he couldn't check his own messages it was a shock to see how many he had saved and an even bigger shock to hear the woman's voice behind them. At first I lied to myself and told myself she was a friend or even a concerned well wisher since I believed I had spoken to her before. But the last message was very different then all the pleasant ones before it. She began to use words like, why sugar code it she said " Hey its me sweetie, I just got home from work and I wanted to know what time you wanted me to pick you up. I am going to take my shower now so call me back. okay sexy bye". Its burned into my mind, every time I think about missing him I can hear the message again. I confronted him the next day with just the residual feeling of sickness I residual from learning his deception. I never told him exactly what I knew just that I knew something was wrong. I could kick myself for letting him come back over and not laying a hand on him. I think maybe I was just punishing myself because I knew. Just letting myself hurt a little bit for being so stupid since all along I had known. From the first time he said he loved me I know we would hurt each other. It felt like a bad match even though at that time he meant it i didn't all I could as was "Thanks". I think that hurt him, I think from that point on any time I didn't say it made him a little angrier with me. And when I started traveling away it seemed like I was becoming distant. So he got even but didn't really realize the consequences of his actions. When I came back I must have seemed more devoted then ever and he realized that I wasn't straying away from him just getting back to family exactly as I had said. Thats what made the sex so wonderful that bitter sweet guilt and indecision hanging over his head that night. I feel that he cant still love me after confiding what ever he has given to this other woman. But for what ever reason I still feel attached, missing, longing for the attention and affection of this one person who now putrefies my stomach when I think of him in a sexual way. He is haunting me in some way hanging over head. I feel that if I could make him see my pain or taste the disgust churning around in my stomach from that thoughts I have night and day, from the smells that remind me of him. So trapped in my cage I stay in contact with him because I am to alone without him. I want company but not from anyone other then my attacker. What else can I do but wait and watch but never forgive and forget. I have some strange need to see inside his head and know what he is thinking. If he sleeps without worry or if he can feel me lurking around in his head to. This all just seems so dangerous, like it had the potential to get out of hand but what can I say I. A person like me doesn't love easily and now I don't want to let go of this attacker that I still love.
SunsetMoon SunsetMoon
26-30, F
Jul 11, 2007