Tragic Flaw

I must suffer from some sort of mental incapability.   I don't understand how I have attracted men to my life who crave my attention and loyalty.  They enjoy the fruits of my labor and draw from my kind heart.  They are willing to give me all of themselves except for one thing, their ****!  I strongly believe in the law of attraction, therefore, no blame belongs to the man, it all belongs to me.  I lure him in, like a fisherman with good bate.  I instinctively find a man, who has no interest in me and show him the traits of a unique vessel of honor.  There are no hidden lines, just an open window of trust and communication.  I choose the man who requires attention and change his flaws through influence, in essence I become a sort of simulated savior.  In the process, they find refuge in my bosom and I find fulfillment in their companionship.  The issue then becomes my heart.  He begins to show signs of becoming a healthy human being, who wants to spread his wings like an eagle and soar.  All I can think is how far he will fly and will he return.  After years of watching him pluck his feathers and complete his evolutionary process, I want to be his female eagle.  I want to soar the sky with him and travel to distant locations.  I want to birth his little eaglets and be the wife I was created to be.  My dear eagle however, he wants to canvas the world for his beauty.  He wants to indulge in the desires of a teenage boy, except that a teenage boy, he is not.  Self-pity is another tragic flaw, it inhibits us from moving forward because we only gratify ourselves with depression and irresolution.   So  here I find myself writing at 9 in the morning, feeding the depression, as my eagle sleeps humbly.  He must preserve his energy for his female eagle, for his temporary **** sucker.  Then he will return here to the nest for his feeding of love and compassion.  As my loyalty and love unravels itself he only retreats to the cave and each time he comes back a new rule is applied.  He would like it, if I didn't touch him at all.  He would love it, if I never looked at him in a sexual light again.  Every time my womanly desires begin to manifest, I am lashed.  Even when my affection is purely derived from an innocent heart, I am beaten.  It again, is all my doing.  What a fool I am...  I've fallen in love with a man who felt he needed me, but never wanted me.   Then I am hurt by his reluctance to embrace me.  I shed tears over the late night phone calls to prepare a rendezvous.  The idea that another woman who offers him nothing of substance can move him in a way that I can not burns me.  He rises to her touch and my touch brings him affliction.  I am flawed my dear reader.  I am a product of isolation from the world.  Growing up in a functional family, in a society of dysfunction has made me a remnant.  It has caused a certain trait that forces men to place me on a pedestal that is so high, they are afraid or disgusted at the thought of my *****. Who would have thought, here I have a man, who adores me, cooks, cleans, gives me everything he can emotionally, he just won't **** me and yes, he is straight.   I am told by some that I must let him fly and others say I should hold him in my nest and not be selfish.  As a woman, how do I let go of my sexual needs to maintain friendship with a man who only needs me.  He will drop me in an instant for the eagle who captures his heart and ****, so do I wait until that moment?  I am severely flawed, dear reader.  Perhaps I am even a bit deranged, even psychopathic.  Who was I to think that sincere love, that who I was, would make him love me?  In American society, in my generation, it is the ho is gets the glory and I am the sister, the friend, the confidant.  I am blemished my dear reader and genuine love is my hamartia. 
Ezzie Ezzie
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 14, 2007

My life story also. I did this over and over again. Perhaps we think we somehow deserve no better than these broken men? They lean on us to become strong and then find someone else! Little or no regard for our feelings. I am sorry you are hurting and hope you have better experiences in the future.