Being Bi Doesn't Give You More Chances For Love-- Just More Chances of Not Being Loved Back

She's a friend of a friend. Met at a birthday party at a club and got to talking. Super smart, great smile, same interests. So here I am getting all sorts of hopeful. Nope. No reason to. She's not wanting anything at all at the moment. Except maybe a random cuddle and a few kisses. They mean nothing though. That's how she is with all her friends.
She talks to me about her crushes, how she will never find someone who will love her for her. She tells me about this crush of hers that doesn't know she exists. Just makes my heart ache. Being her friend is like a slow torture. She'll never see me as anything more and I live from one scrap of attention to the next. Makes me feel quite pathetic- lemme tell ya.
I don't understand myself. I always end up falling for unavailable people. I've never quite loved anyone I've been in a relationship with. I'm always with people because -they- liked me, not the other way around. And if I ever got close to liking them things just sort of stopped. Is it just a curse or am I ruining my chances by reaching too high? My self esteem suffers every time I feel so much for someone who barely knows I'm there. Why don't they see me picking them up after they fall? Am I just too ugly for them to even think about me as more than a friend? Is it my breath? Is it something stupid like my clothes? Am I too nice? So nice that they just take me for granted and know I'll always be at least that one person who will be able to hug them when they're down? Do I just have a sign on me that says "I'll love you forever without you ever having to lift a finger!"?
I know that if anyone ever ever ever felt so much for me and let me know that I'd never let them go. As far as I know nobody has ever wondered what I was doing- tried to be witty or silly just so I'd smile- agonized over whether or not to share their feelings-
 I'd love to be the object of someone's affections...
Feeling like this just makes me feel so alone.
Why do I keep checking my e-mail? I know she hasn't sent me anything. Why do I check my phone for missed calls even though I would have heard the ring? She's not going to call.
Does anyone know how to amputate a feeling?
Baka1216 Baka1216
22-25, F
4 Responses Jul 15, 2007

It seems the fastest way to make someone want u is to stop wanting them. It's all like a game all the time. It works over and over..I'm in two relationships right now. One with my husband, the other with a woman...If you and Sayyadina both back off a be alittle more cool...a little distant and not so "please love me I"ll do anything" you'd be amazed at how people respond. Good luck to you both. Remember that confidence and aloofness is sexy...when something is just out of reach, you want it more...

Hi Baka,<br />
<br />
There's hardly anything more I can add, this is almost my own story except I'm lesbian not bi.<br />
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I think there is a big difference between falling in love with someone who you know well in your circle and falling for someone you never have any real contact with. <br />
<br />
The latter of these two is something I would try never to let happen but the first is something that you probably cannot prevent.<br />
<br />
I think there is subliminal stuff going on if you come into contact a lot. In my own case if she had not wanted to hang out with me and had been indifferent from the start it would have been different. It would have been hard but I wouldn't have developed these feelings which are now causing me physical symptoms.<br />
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But she was so 'I really really want to be friends' that I would have had to have been positively cold towards her in response to put her off being so friendly.<br />
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Now she says I shouldn't have let myself feel this way. She would say that she didn't encourage me as any more than friends but we are both single lesbians, have a lot of interests and values in common, live only a few streets from each other and were hanging out together a lot. She made a real big fuss of me on my birthday like I have never had from any friend, lover or family ever before.<br />
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I think she is naive to have let me get so far in. Any time two lesbians start hanging around together this much I should have thought it was obvious and virtually inevitable.<br />
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Now it is like she just wants social companionship when she goes out but there really did seem to be more. Perhaps it is because she is a little shy (although I don't think about it that much, but I think she is) and English is her second language so perhaps I was a reliable and safe person to hang around with.<br />
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Whatever the case I feel like I have lost a limb and there is some ghastly demon or disease eating up my insides.<br />
<br />
I can easily see how unrequited love can turn into something horrible, it's doing horrible things to me. I have to get through it but I have absolutely no idea how.

"Being her friend is like a slow torture."<br />
Yeah I know what it means<br />
<br />
I suspect changing our behavior we can influence the behavior of other ppl

I don't know any good ways to ammputate a feeling, but I know exactly how you feel. I really wish someone who genuinely loved me would magically come into my life and take me out of misery. In my humble words of advice, maybe you should let people know that they can't take you for granted, you want more, and you're not going to just let them have what they want. Good luck! I feel for ya!