Inrequited Love Is the Only Thing I Have Ever Experienced

No one I have ever had a crush on has ever been attracted back. Nothing ever works out . . . not even a kiss, sometimes not even one meaningful conversation.

The one person I love, the only person I will ever love, hates me so much. I think that is partly because I betrayed her trust, partly because I won't give up, and partly because she's straight. I only wish she would at least accept my apologies, and talk to me, or give me a chance to at least get to know me! Is that too much to ask??? I would do anything for this girl! And nothing she has done or ever will do could sway me. Sometimes at night, when I let all of my feelings and emotions get the better of me, my grief of loving her overcomes me, and feels like it's strangling my heart and lungs. I roll over anbd scream and scream into my pillow because the pain is so strong I literally feel it on my skin, all over my body, like knives cutting into me, and there's absolutly nothing I can do but wait it out once I've got started.

LonelySoul LonelySoul
18-21, F
2 Responses Jul 16, 2007

Hi Rose,<br />
<br />
I have a similar experience to you but the woman I love is gay so that is not the problem, she just isn't interested apparently.<br />
We had been really good friends for months now, we met through this local lesbian egroup last year. In the early stages when I asked her for a date she said she was getting over her ex but we still hung out together a lot.<br />
<br />
In April when another woman showed interest in me I went on a couple of dates with her but she was really something of a bully and I decided I didn't like her at all so that didn't last very long.<br />
<br />
Just after this the woman I couldn't get out of my mind asked to visit on my birthday and brought me wine and presents. This was a weeknight and I wasn't planning anything until the weekend so we had possibly the happiest evening of my life alone together although there was nothing physical.<br />
<br />
Over the next few weeks we went out together many times. She lives nearby so we would catch the same bus for our lesbian group events, even though it would be more convenient for her to catch another. It wasn't like proper formal dates but she would text me and ask which bus we should catch and stuff like that so it seemed to me that it was just a prolonged courtship and only a matter of time. I was happy to take as long as she needed, we just seemed to be enjoying each other's company so much I could have gone on like that forever.<br />
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Late in June we were out with friends and had plenty to drink. When she got out of the taxi I kissed her very slightly more than than the usual kiss on the cheek and ever since then it went on the downward slide and she started to pull away. Three weeks ago she said she didn't want the relationship to go any further, that she didn't feel anything for me or have any attraction to me and only wanted to be friends, whatever that may mean.<br />
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I've bee in some kind of wierd hell since. I keep telling myself that it will wear itself out in time and I will get over it but I hardly feel any different now to how I did the first few days.<br />
<br />
I go from states of blank depression to fits of crying that tear themselves out of my chest. If I had to go out to work I would have probably got the sack by now, I can hardly get anything together and am in a constant state of emotional and physical exhaustion.<br />
<br />
I have been in unrequited love situations before and like you Rose I have never had anyone I was attracted to reciprocate. I have had relationships but only with people who came on to me first. I wouldn't mind but they all ended up turning out to be bullies who wanted to control me and then left when I tried to be myself. Well not quite all :-) The last time it happened I got out first which is why I didn't let that bully woman have me, since I had learnt to recognise it.<br />
<br />
The thing that is so totally devastating about this is that we did appear to have some kind of genuine relationship. I know there was nothing explicit but I can't believe that two lesbians can spend so much time together and give so much attention without there being something more going on.<br />
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She said she wants to be 'just friends' but I really don't know what this can mean. She can't possibly expect that I could keep on giving her the same quality of attention without it being affected in some way by her indifference. <br />
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I mean you can keep on giving attention indefinitely so long as there is some possibility that you will reach fulfillment but when the door is closed in your face and locked how can you maintain the same attitude? Only by continuing as if this was still part of the courtship pursuit and pretending that it will ultimately be consummated.<br />
<br />
Which is probably self delusion :-((<br />
<br />
But then you hear or at least read stories about lovers who somehow proved their love and the heart of the beloved melts and they all live happily ever after. I don't recall the details of the story but I think Beauty and the Beast is something like this.<br />
<br />
But in reality I have no control over any of this.<br />
<br />
I tried to divert my attention from her earlier in the year and she managed to lure me back. She knew I had seen the other woman and apparently her response was to shower me with gifts and attention on my Birthday.<br />
<br />
I was powerless to resist, and I didn't want to.<br />
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Now that I am in deep I am engulfed with this emotional tsunami that simply sweeps me away and leaves me drowned in shock and grief.<br />
<br />
Whatever she may say about remaining friends it is effectively impossible without me totally denying my feelings. So the result of her response is to end what was a really amazing friendship.<br />
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Something I have learnt over the years is that what really matters is the outcome of peoples actions and not the intentions.<br />
<br />
I suppose I have to take responsibility for tipping her over the edge when I almost kissed her but it's these little slips that betray the truth of our feelings so I'm not ashamed.<br />
<br />
On the other side I can't help feeling that she got over familiar with me. <br />
<br />
I know that some people, often the more attractive ones, like to get others to fall in love with them presumably for some sort of ego gratification but with no intention of reciprocation.<br />
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I am torn between 'she just wasn't ready' and this more cynical interpretation.<br />
<br />
I do believe that when someone feels such a strong emotion there is rarely not some involvement from the other party, though they may deny it.<br />
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I may be insane but I can't buck the feeling that she is in a state of denial, or is afraid of involvement and so is self sabotaging or maybe just played with me in a sort of naive way without any consideration for my feelings.<br />
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If past experience is anything to go by it will probably be several months before I am anywhere near getting my life back from this, and even when I do I know I will still feel this underneath so long as she is anywhere near my world. In the meantime I have to live weith this torment.

I am overcoming a similar exp.<br />
the cruel law of nature is that once she isn't attracted she never will be, no matter what you do. it is sad, I know, but it is