Angela

When I was in college I met a girl in one of my classes at Austin Community College.  I had just left Texas A&M and was trying to decide where to go to school so I went to ACC just to get credit.  I hadn't talked to this girl the whole semester but we were paired up near the end of the year to take the Myers Briggs psych test.  We both got the same result and laughed about it.  She was very attractive, enough so that I would've had a hard time talking to her otherwise.  I didn't see her again for probably a year when I had moved San Marcos to go to Texas State University. 

I had become an anthropology major and she was in one of my classes, a big one with like 150 students.  We met eyes occasionally but we were both quite shy and didn't manage to talk.  One day after a test I was sitting in the hall and she was sitting on the other side and I asked her how she did on the test.  I don't remember what she said but it was just the fact that we talked that mattered to me.  We chatted a few more times that semester remembering our class at ACC, and talking about how it's funny we both became anthropology majors.  I was just glad that a woman that beautiful was willing to talk to me.  And she was so quiet I never saw her talking to anybody really.  But I really never put much thought into it, she was out of my leauge.  

At this point in my life I was most concerned with drinking, smoking pot, music, and partying in general.  I wasn't exactly a guy that had my **** together and I didn't have women beating down my door or anything, far from it.  Being an introverted, hard-partying, drug using, depressed, intellectual, musician type put me in a weird category or so I thought.  I had finished that class I had with Angela the spring semester and didn't see her again until next fall.  We had a physical anthropology class together, a smaller class with like 30 students, and I sat next to her on the first day which was the best thing I could've done.  She seemed happy to talk to me and if I showed up first in class she would come sit by me. 

Then something happened that I thought would make Angela not like me.  There was a girl named Shelby over the summer I had a crush on and something had happened that weekend.  She had told me the whole summer she wanted me but had a boyfriend (overseas) so she couldn't be with me.  After a whole summer of this, she sleeps with a really good friend of mine and they both drive down to San Marcos feeling guilty to tell me what they did.  I freaked the hell out and kicked them out of my house, I had already been taking valium and that just threw me overboard.  I took even more valium and slept until I had to go to school the next day.  The valium had not worn off and I saw Angela before class.  I was still pretty intoxicated and Angela and I had never talked about anything even remotely serious, just campus stuff and whatever.  Well, I went off about how my best friend ****** (I stress that because I think I yelled that word when I was telling her) a girl I wanted and that I was distraught.  I don't remember much about the conversation other than that. 

Well, I was expecting to see her again and have her think I was some kind of freak for the way I behaved.  But the strangest thing happened, she was more friendly and started looking at me differently.  She was more open and started telling me more about herself.  This was so strange to me b/c my self esteem was at an all-time low.  I had been abusing myself a lot with drugs and alcohol, acting like a crazy buffoon, seemingly not had even passing interest from other women, yet the girl I would want more than any other I knew seemed to like me.  I was dumbfounded.   I felt special because she never talked to anybody, seriously she was very gorgeous but so quiet also.  She told me she was a Miller Lite girl on the weekends which I could believe from looking at her but not from how I knew her (quiet, intellectual type).

I finally gathered together enough bravery to ask her out.  She knew where I worked and said she wanted to eat there so it was an easy in for me.  I told her we should go eat there and she responded enthusiastically, which really suprised me.  We had started eating lunch together after class pretty often as well so she clearly had interest in me.  Even though she'd accepted a date with me, talked with me almost exclusively around campus, spent time with me, etc. I still couldn't see that she was interested in me.  I guess that's where the low self-esteem came into play.  I was still partying hard at this time and had no extra money, I would spend everything I made every weekend.  And then I'd come back to class hung-over on Monday.  Angela asked me a few times about going to eat seafood.  I kept saying I was "broke" but we'd do it soon.

This is where I really get upset with myself in retrospect.  How the hell could I not drop all this other crap in my life for the one good thing that was staring me right in the face?  I never before nor since have had a person that I had so much in common with, enjoyed being around so much, found so attractive, and had the feeling be mutual.  I've had a very hard time letting this go.  Well, needless to say, we never went to out on our date, I was always too broke, for 3 months.  Yet even then she was always so sweet to me she didn't seem to waver much.  She had decided to transfer to UT and told me that near the end of the semester.  I think that got me b/c I had assumed she would be around until graduation a year or two down the road.

Even though I had failed on my end to take her out on the date I had asked for, she still gave me her # and told me to call her since we weren't going to be seeing each other around anymore.  Well, long story short it took me 2 months to call her.  I think it was the don't be too eager, call in 3 days thing, taken to another level.  And I was also extremely depressed and using assorted drugs and alcohols.  I just wasn't sure of anything but then one day I finally decided to pick up the phone and call her, I was seriously nervous.  She was really wondering why the hell I hadn't called.  I don't remember how I responded but she ended up telling me her b-day was soon and gave me her address.  A lot of this is blurry to me but I'm pretty sure I sent her a b-day card but I had been using cocaine at the time and I have no idea what I would've said.  I'm sure it was not the most appropriate thing though given that I had taken 2 months to call her.  I bet I said a bunch of stuff that was really emotional, things that I thought but wouldn't have said unless intoxicated.  

Well, funny enough, I'm totally wasted soon after I sent the card, and I have an accident, breaking my heel bone, 2 bones in my arm, and puncturing my neck.  I have a story about that on this site if you care to check that out.  Well this accident had happened on her b-day.  I called her 3 days later after I'm out of the hospital.  She has a tone in her voice like I'd never heard.  She'd always been so kind and friendly but she was not at all this time.  Which was not cool for me b/c I was trying to reach out to her, laying on my bed with my broken bones.  But I didn't deserve it.  Whatever I had written on that card and I guess the culmination of how I'd treated her had been too much.  She told me never to call her again and hung up.  I was devastated but I deserved it.  I've never regretted anything more in my life than the way I treated Angela.

 

ReformedAutomaton ReformedAutomaton
41-45, M
2 Responses Jul 20, 2007

Thanks, I've very largely moved on in much the same way that I moved on after my brothers death. But it takes time and I will always regret it. It's just something I wanted to share on here and put into words again.

Here's the great part... the part you forgot to mention... YOU'VE CHANGED! You now have control and you know what you want and you will get it! Move on sweetie and leave the past behind. You can't change it so don't harp on it. YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON!!! KEEP SMILING AND KEEP MOVING ON!