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         I consider myself to be fairly experienced at love and relationships…at life.  I’ve been married twice and was widowed the first time (with two small children.)  Since I met him (billions of years ago) and, even since his death, that man was the only man I had ever been IN LOVE with….until this past December...when my VERY FIRST unrequited love story began….

     Lord, if it hasn’t been one of THE most tormenting experiences I’ve ever had!  It was my first time and, truthfully, I hope it will be my last.  (Most things I don’t mind trying at least once.)  My story differs a little, in that, for the few short months that we knew each other, all of my feelings were actually reciprocated by him…at least, that’s what I experienced, at the time.  Also, what largely brought us together was music (vs. writing being one of the catalysts that brought you two “together.” )

     Right away, we had a mutual respect and appreciation for one another’s talents.  There was always MORE than chemistry between us…in fact, I’d venture to call it “love at first sight.”  The best description I’ve been able to come up with (to date) for the way it felt to be with him is all in one word:  HOME.  That’s what he felt like.  He once told me that meeting me had the same effect as someone holding a mirror up to his face…that he felt like he could see himself, in me.

     I (knowing SO WELL that every thing is temporary…that tomorrow never comes and yesterday is an illusion in the wind…) wasted not an OUNCE of time enjoying every tiny sensation I experienced with that man!  There were complications that I haven’t mentioned but, the bottom line is that he awakened some part of me that I thought would forever be buried with my children’s’ father!  For REAL!  Friends tried to tell me that “You’re just desperate,” but I’m no idiot.  I know myself.  And, that guy touched me…the “me” that no one ever sees…ME…exactly as I am.

     Being the “me” that I am, I’m always dissecting things to see how they work.  I’ve asked myself the question…over and over again…what makes us attracted to this person or that?  WHY did I respond to this guy differently than every other guy I’ve met in the past ten years (including my 2nd husband)?????  Why was every thought or feeling I had in relationship to him spoken out of his mouth before I ever had a chance to say it myself?  What does it mean?  Then, later:  “How could he have just woken up one day and seem to despise the very sound of my voice?”  I came up with innumerable possible explanations… “He must’ve been afraid….I must’ve done something wrong….It must’ve all been a lie….Maybe I am desperate…..”  And, then, things like:  “Isn’t there a fine line between love and obsession?  Am I CRAZY?  Sitting here longing for a guy who couldn't care less whether I live or breathe??”  La la la…for months, I’ve tormented myself this way.  I’ve never had any real answers.  All I know is (a line taken from one of the letters I wrote but never gave to him):  “that, one moment we were flying around on a magic carpet, together and, the very next, you were down on the ground screaming at me:  ‘The ride is over, *****!  Get down from there now so I can stop worrying about you falling on my damn head!’”

     I’ve only managed to achieve fragmented bits of resolve with the whole experience.  The most comforting Truth I’ve revealed is that sometimes, the way things pan out is different than our expectations.  This doesn’t make the experience(s), themselves any less valuable.  Every moment has intention, purpose and meaning…intrinsically.   But, part of the whole experience is the spin we, ourselves, put on it.  Whether someone is on the “same page” with us, or not, doesn’t our personal (intimate) experience remain?

He’s never answered any of my questions.  He just stopped answering my phone calls, responding to my messages.  We had been planning a really exciting trip together.  The weekend arrived when we were supposed to leave and…he just…faded away.  He rejected me – HARSHLY – then went about the business of living his life as if he had never known me.

     By and by, I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter, now, if it’s no longer “real.”  It was, then.  And, “then” is magically, mysteriously sealed for all of eternity.  No one can go back to “then” and rewrite it.  That’s why what you’ve written here is so meaningful to me.  You perspective adds another vein to my own understanding.  The long and short of it is, you’re right:  “it takes two” for the whole experience to manifest, physically, between two people.  But, “one” can keep it alive eternally…even if “it” is only for that one to experience.  What I mean to say is that, just because this person suddenly no longer exists in my physicality, I got from the experience exactly what I needed.  I’m sure of that.  I’m not sure of exactly what “everything that I got” is or if it’s all really pleasing stuff but, I do know that, all in all, I’m grateful for the experience.

     My skin is still glowing (All these months later.)  My hair is gorgeous.  I’m full of life and love…..okay, sure…sadness, too.  But “sad” is just another color on the canvas…just like “afraid” or “insecure” or “passionate” or “in love.”  Of COURSE I long (achingly, sometimes) to share that type of connection with a person…the one where all the right pieces are in place…that combination you get with a chance spin on the roulette wheel.  But, damn…I hit the jackpot at least twice, now, what are the odds of that?  I may keep on spinning it for the rest of my life and never hit again.  But, I can never spend my winnings.  Whenever I walk away from the table, it will be impossible for me to walk away with less than I brought to it!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
12 Responses Aug 6, 2006

I cannot help but wonder if it was love. I had a very similar experience, hence the site, but mine brewed slowly, for several years and then it died. Two years in the making. Two years in the destruction with maybe three months of bliss. I still hang on to those moments, but it hurts like Hell. And, I find it hard to believe that I am the one that got away. But, who knows?

I had an obsession with an actress for 13 years and its still there but much less that it was it was after one of her films I saw and then watch all her film and her play wrighting to her and then I wanted her to take me home with her and other sorts things I felt I had no meaning in my life and was having a breakdown too . It all got mixed up with my lousy childhood I want her to mother me in a funny way it help. but it can become to much as well. people you can't help who you fall in love with there are no rules ?

You told MY story. Tears are running down my face... I'd never be able to tell it sooo well. I am four mounths out of it and just survived all those emotions again.

Two possibilities come to mind: He met someone else that you don't know about or possibly, he's bipolar.

= 2. :p

what about guys. i made the huge mistake of marrying and have children with a woman who could only thinkof herself. destroyed me and poisoned the kids.

Need to print this and pin it to the fridge or wall by the bed... I wish i was as strong as you :(

Jackpoets are rarities in their magnitude of payload. nurishment cor mind body and soul. For you to have had the good fortune of twice makes you the winningest I have ever read or heard about. If this wasnt a first person post I would assume you to be of urban legend. Perhaps your HIStory will enable you to risk take again with perhaps a past endeavor or new frontiers. Very inspirational, your story.. Thanks for sharing... :)

Wow. That is about the only thing to say to this. Your strength is so inspiring. :) I've been dwelling on a past relationship for far too long and this helps me get past it. I think I've just had question that have gone so unanswered that I just couldn't cope. Sure, the pain will still be there, but I feel like I don't need those answers anymore, that what you just said is all the answer I need.<br />
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You're an amazing person. :)

My heart goes out to you..... I know you've been hurt but please allow me to give my 2cents thought:<br />
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I've realized something about life, there are "great" women and "great" men and there are also "sick" women and "sick" men. Perhaps this guy is just "sick" and testing his abilities to trap you. You sound to me like a strong and independent woman. Perhaps this guy just want to test his amazing power about being able to "get" you.<br />
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This line that you have written made me think:-<br />
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"Why was every thought or feeling I had in relationship to him spoken out of his mouth before I ever had a chance to say it myself? What does it mean? Then, later: "How could he have just woken up one day and seem to despise the very sound of my voice?"<br />
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From what I analyze he could be just a "pretender". Wanting you to believe that you're soul mates. Its just not "real"!<br />
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Don't waste your beautiful "inner" self to such people anymore MysticWriter. I'm sure one day such a wonderful insightful lady like you would find a "true" man that can appreciate and truly love you. Take care and Bless be....

That's a very interesting perspective, I've had a similar experience where "it all came out of his mouth first" wow... you should start a group about fake twin flames or poser soul mates, I bet thre are some sickos that really plan it all out &amp; us innocents get sucked in by the magic of it all!

I think this could have some creedance with many of our tales. My good friend witnessed first hand what happened between us last night and said, "He is playing game. Are you?" I thought perhaps I was. I kept my feelings cold and safe even though our passion was hot. I was the emotionally unavailable one. She asked if I ever truly told him how I felt and that I truly loved him. I replied that I was too afraid and I was waiting for him first. Guess I will never know now.

hi well that nothing i was 14 last time i see him i her hes marride has little gril and i had kids too of thim there babys im in love with man i dont even one im 24 and i dream about this man i enven get on the net see if live ohio and he live s drown steert from my sister that norfolk .......i dont even went to be marride any more....... thats bad..... i keep hopeing move back find me ......

What an inspiring ability to take the best out of even a painful situation.