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I consider myself to be fairly experienced at love and relationships…at life. I’ve been married twice and was widowed the first time (with two small children.) Since I met him (billions of years ago) and, even since his death, that man was the only man I had ever been IN LOVE with….until this past December...when my VERY FIRST unrequited love story began….
Lord, if it hasn’t been one of THE most tormenting experiences I’ve ever had! It was my first time and, truthfully, I hope it will be my last. (Most things I don’t mind trying at least once.) My story differs a little, in that, for the few short months that we knew each other, all of my feelings were actually reciprocated by him…at least, that’s what I experienced, at the time. Also, what largely brought us together was music (vs. writing being one of the catalysts that brought you two “together.” )
Right away, we had a mutual respect and appreciation for one another’s talents. There was always MORE than chemistry between us…in fact, I’d venture to call it “love at first sight.” The best description I’ve been able to come up with (to date) for the way it felt to be with him is all in one word: HOME. That’s what he felt like. He once told me that meeting me had the same effect as someone holding a mirror up to his face…that he felt like he could see himself, in me.
I (knowing SO WELL that every thing is temporary…that tomorrow never comes and yesterday is an illusion in the wind…) wasted not an OUNCE of time enjoying every tiny sensation I experienced with that man! There were complications that I haven’t mentioned but, the bottom line is that he awakened some part of me that I thought would forever be buried with my children’s’ father! For REAL! Friends tried to tell me that “You’re just desperate,” but I’m no idiot. I know myself. And, that guy touched me…the “me” that no one ever sees…ME…exactly as I am.
Being the “me” that I am, I’m always dissecting things to see how they work. I’ve asked myself the question…over and over again…what makes us attracted to this person or that? WHY did I respond to this guy differently than every other guy I’ve met in the past ten years (including my 2nd husband)????? Why was every thought or feeling I had in relationship to him spoken out of his mouth before I ever had a chance to say it myself? What does it mean? Then, later: “How could he have just woken up one day and seem to despise the very sound of my voice?” I came up with innumerable possible explanations… “He must’ve been afraid….I must’ve done something wrong….It must’ve all been a lie….Maybe I am desperate…..” And, then, things like: “Isn’t there a fine line between love and obsession? Am I CRAZY? Sitting here longing for a guy who couldn't care less whether I live or breathe??” La la la…for months, I’ve tormented myself this way. I’ve never had any real answers. All I know is (a line taken from one of the letters I wrote but never gave to him): “that, one moment we were flying around on a magic carpet, together and, the very next, you were down on the ground screaming at me: ‘The ride is over, *****! Get down from there now so I can stop worrying about you falling on my damn head!’”
I’ve only managed to achieve fragmented bits of resolve with the whole experience. The most comforting Truth I’ve revealed is that sometimes, the way things pan out is different than our expectations. This doesn’t make the experience(s), themselves any less valuable. Every moment has intention, purpose and meaning…intrinsically. But, part of the whole experience is the spin we, ourselves, put on it. Whether someone is on the “same page” with us, or not, doesn’t our personal (intimate) experience remain?
He’s never answered any of my questions. He just stopped answering my phone calls, responding to my messages. We had been planning a really exciting trip together. The weekend arrived when we were supposed to leave and…he just…faded away. He rejected me – HARSHLY – then went about the business of living his life as if he had never known me.
By and by, I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter, now, if it’s no longer “real.” It was, then. And, “then” is magically, mysteriously sealed for all of eternity. No one can go back to “then” and rewrite it. That’s why what you’ve written here is so meaningful to me. You perspective adds another vein to my own understanding. The long and short of it is, you’re right: “it takes two” for the whole experience to manifest, physically, between two people. But, “one” can keep it alive eternally…even if “it” is only for that one to experience. What I mean to say is that, just because this person suddenly no longer exists in my physicality, I got from the experience exactly what I needed. I’m sure of that. I’m not sure of exactly what “everything that I got” is or if it’s all really pleasing stuff but, I do know that, all in all, I’m grateful for the experience.
My skin is still glowing (All these months later.) My hair is gorgeous. I’m full of life and love…..okay, sure…sadness, too. But “sad” is just another color on the canvas…just like “afraid” or “insecure” or “passionate” or “in love.” Of COURSE I long (achingly, sometimes) to share that type of connection with a person…the one where all the right pieces are in place…that combination you get with a chance spin on the roulette wheel. But, damn…I hit the jackpot at least twice, now, what are the odds of that? I may keep on spinning it for the rest of my life and never hit again. But, I can never spend my winnings. Whenever I walk away from the table, it will be impossible for me to walk away with less than I brought to it!